THE THINGS WE MISS
#1 : Slamming down the phone.
Remember those old black rotary phones? When you needed a phone, there was only one company. Bell Telephone. You called the installer (from someone else’s phone). They arrived and they gave you a phone. A black phone. Always a black phone. Later, they had white phones. That was it. Options? Would you like the neck brace attached to the receiver? Remember those? Those curved neck braces were about as repellant to the rest of humanity as pocket protectors and a warm can of Schlitz Beer.
Those old Bell telephones were built like Sherman Tanks. Shrapnel just bounced off. Those were the phones deep inside the nuclear bomb bunkers, though I wonder–who do you call after the big boom? And those black Bell phones weighed a ton. But they always worked. And, we could abuse the hell out of them.
Which brings me to the question, if you are of a certain age and generation: Who didn’t love slamming down the receiver?
Freudian ejaculation.
Bill collectors calling? I’m broke! BAMMMM!
You’re breaking up with me? Screw you! Have a nice life! BAMMMM!
You want me to help you move furniture from your upstairs apartment this coming Saturday? Hello? Hello? I’m losing you. Are you still there? Shit. must be a bad connection.
The kicker of satisfaction and glorious ecstasy was when you slammed down the phone so hard that the little bell inside gave off a ring, with the echo. Ding………..ing…..ing…ing…ing. Like when the bell rings in a prizefight. The knockout punch.
Damn, that bell sounded so beautiful when you were doing the slamming. So satisfying. I never did figure out if the schlub on the other side of the call had his eardrums blown out. I mean, what did they hear? No matter. This was our telephone party. We’re doing the slamming. The ultimate power trip.
Of course, you can’t slam down our phones anymore, not unless you want to crack the glass and end up buying a new $700 iPhone. And when the next clown or bill collector calls, you might just end up breaking that one, too. So sad. And they say technology is making our lives better. Well, fuck that. I demand we return to the Black beast! The Bell war horse. I want my SLAM phone!
One thing I’ll say about those old phone relics that *rings* true —– it never dropped a call. And there was never a battery issue. It was like the hot phone to the Kremlin. The thing ALWAYS worked.
Can you hear me now?