Damn the bill collectors.
I hate it when they call.
They always badger me at the worst possible time of day — like when I’m trying to watch a ballgame on TV. Or worse — while I’m trying to make another bet. Don’t they have any sense of human decency?
Sometimes, there are so many bells ringing at home that my living room sounds like a fire station. Starting daily at 8 am, the phone calls begin. Anonymous blocked caller IDs leave “800” numbers, demanding that I return their calls IMMEDIATELY. Yeah, right. Who do they think they’re fooling? If someone using a fake name I’ve never heard of calling from an “800” number leaves me a voice message (often mispronouncing my name), I can probably assume they’re not calling me on a mission of mercy. Oh answering machine, do your job as my faithful gauntlet against invasion and interruption.
Well, screw you! I’m busy! I need peace and quiet in order to concentrate. After all, it sure is hard to decide on which Zinfandel to crack open at noon, or pick which steakhouse I’m dining at tonight when the phone keeps on ringing off the hook. It’s enough to make a man start mixing up his sense of priorities. You’ll get paid when I have a winning week in football, okay?
The ritual is always the same. I ignore the call. So, some jerk with a monotone voice leaves me a voice mail message which demands I must call back “Operator 7393” (or some other code) pertaining to “an urgent business matter.” My guess is, this isn’t a call informing me that I’ve won the lottery.
Two bill collectors have been twin bugs up my ass for nearly a decade. Seriously, this is no joke.
Ten years ago, I was working at Binion’s Horseshoe, which has since closed down. As full-time employees, we all thought we had health insurance. Surprise! Turns out, the company wasn’t paying the premiums. So, anyone who went to a doctor and uses their insurance during the last few months got slapped with a chargeback. I went to a doctor during that time, who eventually charged me $300. When the insurance didn’t cover my visit, they kept on sending me the bill. They expected me to pay! My account must have gotten passed back and forth between collection agencies more than the last joint in a Cheech and Chong movie. My position is as follows: I paid the premiums. So, send the bill to the old Horseshoe. They docked my paycheck. Not my problem, people.
Another call comes in regularly from a collection agency trying to vulture me for an old Sprint cell phone bill from 2005. My service with Sprint was so bad that with a couple of months left on my two-year contract, I basically said “fuck it.” I dropped them like a hot potato and sure enough, they clobbered me with late fees, cancellation fees, and made up bullshit that swelled my final bill to something like $1,200.
Well, let me just say that if I was willing to drop Sprint in midstream because of their lousy service, no collection agency is going to be able to shake me down me into paying. They ended up placing a black mark on my credit rating as if they think that’s going to make me fork over what they say I owe them. I’ve got a house that’s paid for and I paid cash for my two cars. So, fuck you and your threats to stain my credit report!
So, what can you do to screw the bill collectors? The possibilities are endless. Here are a few of my favorite counter-tactics:
(1) When the phone rings, answer it and then say you’ll be right back. Set the phone down, and then walk away. Go back to whatever you were doing. Leave them hanging.
(2) When the phone rings, answer it and when you discover it’s a bill collector, start speaking in a foreign language. Interrupt them as much as possible. Just ramble off whatever you can remember. If you don’t speak a foreign language, then make something up.
(3) When the phone rings, act bat shit crazy. Listen very attentively to the pitch from the collection agency. Then, just go off the deep end in your reply. Example: Mr. Dalla, when can you settle this outstanding debt? Me: The yellow school bus floated in the sky and then my dog started barking. Then, wait for a reply. After about three or four nonsensical comments, the bill collector will hang up. Time is money in their business.
(4) When the phone rings, pick up the phone. Don’t say a word. Leave the phone on the counter and walk away. You will hear “hello?….hello?….hello? for about 40 seconds and then they’ll give up.
(5) If you get a bill along with a threat in the mail, take a huge black marker and write “I’M BROKE” in huge letters across the invoice. Then, mail it back to the collection agency.
(6) If you get a bill along with a threat in the mail, stick the envelope full of losing sportsbook tickets. If you live near a racetrack, losing horse racing tickets will also work.
(7) If the bill collector is especially rude and aggressive, tell them you’ll send them partial payment the first thing in the morning. Then, tape a penny onto the bill and be sure and write SPECIAL ATTENTION: OPERATOR 7393 on the outside of the envelope. You did what you promised.
(8) When the bill collector calls, ask for them to hold on just a moment. Announce that you need to “finish something.” Then, find the audio to some porn movie and pipe the moans and groans into the receiver.
(9) When the phone rings, have a Holy Bible with you. Start randomly quoting scripture. Just keep on reading until they hang up. The over-under here is usually about 20 seconds.
(10) Of course, the other way to make the bill collectors go away is to actually pay the bill. Fat chance.
Ooops, the phone is ringing again. I gotta’ go have some fun.