Want to avoid long lines? Want to circumvent clamoring for a favorable spot in the pecking order? Want to ward off the disheartening possibility of getting turned away at the 2015 World Series of Poker? Well, here’s some helpful advice on the best way to avoid rejection and heartache: PRE-REGISTER.
If your aspiration is to dine with me on some early evening between the dates of May 25th and July 16th, it’s highly recommended that you forward your request to me now, because my social and entertainment calendar will most certainly fill up to full capacity. Imagine the despair of boarding an airline and traveling all the way from your home to Las Vegas, only to have your last-minute invitation denied because I’ve already made a commitment to someone else on that night. Don’t let this humiliation happen to you!
PRE-REGISTER EARLY!
Planning well in advance will significantly improve odds that you might share a wine dinner with me, and if your company is sufficiently engaging enough — drinks afterward. There are no guarantees, mind you. Many well-screened suitors with stellar resumes in the past have grossly disappointed me by not living up to expectation and were summarily blackballed from any future dining engagements (my blacklist is a closely guarded secret). However, I do have a few openings for fresh talent still remaining on my busy 2015 WSOP schedule for those who meet certain criteria which is as follows:
1. Priority will be given to writers, artists, musicians, and other creative people. I want to dine with others like me who have something interesting to say.
2. Dinner invitations are always non-partisan. I grant no extra points to Progressives and Socialists, especially since most are broke and seriously in debt. I’m perfectly willing to dine out with generous Republicans and Conservatives. Priority will be given to people of all political persuasions (except religious fanatics) who support a boycott of The Venetian and anything else associated with Sheldon Adelson.
3. Under no circumstances will I dine together with anyone who tells bad beat poker stories. No exceptions. If Phil Ivey invites me out to dinner, orders a $3,000 bottle of wine, and then launches into a bad beat story, I’m bolting for the door. Okay, I might sample the wine first, but then I’m hitting the bricks. Bon appetit, Phil!
4. I reserve the right to call in supporting cast and/or hero reinforcements in order to bolster any conversation that starts to lag. If I fear you’re not engaging enough, I may very well call up a stimulant in the form of another dining guest to spice up the evening, provided your company lacks proper invigoration. This may include pilfering a guest from another table in the restaurant. Yes, I’ve done this in the past. Many times!
5. Top priority will be given to those who agree in advance to pick up the check.
Note: My preferred on-site restaurant at the Rio is Buzio’s (seafood) where management assures me they will stock plenty of rainbow trouts for my full six-week engagement. Buzio’s ran out of trouts at one point last year, disappointing several of my guests and humiliating me in front of colleagues. However, I am told this travesty will not happen again. Be advised that NO ONE is to order my private stock of trouts unless I am present or have phoned in permission in advance to Diane.