“Great game.
So-so commercials.
Lousy half-time.
Horrible final PI call.”
— Mike Exinger
That pretty much sums it up. Nice job, Mike.
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Now, for my “notes” from the front (of a TV screen):
(1) OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE — Terrific National Anthem performance by Chris Stapleton (note to youngsters who think record-spinning DJs create music — that weird thing in his hands was was called a “guitar,” and the vocals you heard was a real human voice, not a pre-recorded Autotune farce).
(2) CRYPTO CRAPS OUT — In four hours, and more than 50 ads, we didn’t see ONE crypto commercial. Not one. Good riddance, magic money! That dogshit Ponzitrash was the hottest thing in advertising just a Super Bowl ago, and now it’s as toxic as Bernie Madoff’s financial statement. All those 2022 crypto ads — crashed and burned. So fucking delightful. Sweet justice. Larry David was right, after all!
(3) WHO WERE THOSE GUYS? — Announcers. Who were those guys? It seemed like a high school broadcast team was assigned to the Super Bowl. I was glad to see the Buck-Aikman lock on FOX NFL anchors broken by new blood. But hearing these strange voices calling the biggest football game of the year took some getting used to. So far as I recall, neither one brought any sense of drama or insight to the game. Might as well hire Siri to call the game.
(4) HALFTIME SHIT SHOW — Holy shit, what an awful halftime show! Maybe the worst since Andy Williams (1973) and Up with People (1982). Rihanna. Horrid. Hell, dig up Al Hirt. Fact: The NFL has the biggest stage in entertainment. Any act should want this gig. So, try this: Force a collaboration. Make performers of different genres work together and fill 29 minutes with something spontaneous and interesting. These canned jackass technopop shows with dance acts are instantly forgettable, and frankly — an embarrassment. They suck ass.
(5) AMAZON WINS BEST COMMERCIAL — Best Commerical? Easy. Amazon, with the dog, by a mile. Didn’t see it? Here’s the script: A brindle mutt is the beloved family pet, but suffers from severe separation anxiety. The family doesn’t know what to do about the dog destroying the house when it’s left alone. So, they log onto Amazon and order a big dog crate. It seems the crate will be used to cage the dog. Then, the commercial teases us a bit — that the family might be taking the dog along with them when they are away traveling. Finally, we see the real dog crate arrive — which gets opened up and, viola! Another cute puppy dog jumps out of the crate to keep the brindle dog company. No more loneliness. Happy dogs. Happy family.
(6) WASTED MILLIONS — Meanwhile, every other commercial was forgotten instantly (with the “Breaking Bad” redux being a distant second). How these ad agencies and PR firms command the fees they do to generate all this plop is staggering to me. But Amazon and the dog commercial — that’s the winner.
(7) THERE SHOULD BE RIOTS AT THE NFL OFFICE — Holy shit, the NFL is an inferior disgraceful product. The rules are absurd. We want to blame the refs, but this stupid junk league can’t even figure out what a CATCH is 101 years after the league was founded. A KC player runs a clear fumble into the end zone for a score, after the receiver clearly catches the call, takes a step, and then gets hit. TOUCHDOWN REVERSED. Same drive: An Eagles’ receiver bobbles a ball, steps out of bounds, and gets one foot in, but the other foot is out, and IT’S A CATCH. These preposterous rules are a fucking joke. Oh, and then some flag-happy shitbrained ref decided to decide the outcome of the game with a ticky-tack marginal call that was, at best, questionable in a pre-season game. TO MAKE THIS CALL INSIDE 2:00 IN A TIE GAME SUPER BOWL IS A FUCKING DISGRACE. The NFL’s rules suck shit. And, I am convinced the controversies are deliberate to jack us all off and make everyone argue and continue watching. If this was a European soccer match, there would riots! I can’t even express how much I loathe the NFL, the front office, and the owners for letting these absurd rules continue, unaddressed and unfixed.
(8) JALEN HURTS DESERVED THE MVP — Jalen Hurts should have been the game MVP. Nothing against Patrick Mahomes. But when a QB is the GAME LEADER in rushing, THROWS for 300+ yards, CONVERTS 4 fourth downs with his legs, and SCORES THREE TOUCHDOWNS, he’s the MVP. This should not even be a discussion. Oh, and I bet the Chiefs and touted Mahomes as MVP. But Hurts was the real game standout, by a fucking mile on every stat category.
(9) TWO GREAT OFFENSES/TWO BAD DEFENSES — These were two very good teams. Especially on offense. But the defenses played horrible games, especially the Eagles. Don’t forget that fact in Philadelphia. Credit Kansas City for an astonishing second-half and ballsy comeback win. But Philadelphia’s defense played like trash and deserved to lose.
(10) ANDY THE GREAT — It’s time to include Andy Reid among the great coaches. He’s been beaten up for two decades for his often questionable clock management, and some aspects of his on-the-field coaching. But man alive, Reid sure knows how to build a winning football team. This was a recalibration of the best ever. We must place Reid in the top ten along with Halas, Shula, Landry, Belichick, Walsh, Brown, Gibbs, Knoll, and Lombardi.
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Footnote (More About the Halftime Show):
A pre-recorded lip-synched artificial shit show, with 200 gyrating clowns in hazmat coveralls, bopping to a bunch of shit techno-pop. Not a single musical instrument in the act, not a note of talent, fronted by a warbling autotuned fraud. A 29-minute act where every god-damned canned “song” sounds the same.
Sure, I want to be open-minded and inclusive, but hey, how about this — try showcasing SOME ACTUAL FUCKING SINGING AND INSTRUMENTATION? Singing (look it up). Instruments (Google it). Instead, what we were forced to endure was mindless, soulless, incomprehensible computer-generated pop. Can anyone recite one fucking lyric from this Super Bowl sewer of sound? Shame!
For the Xth time in a row, the Super Bowl halftime show is a fucking blazing dumpster fire — except that it wasn’t nearly that interesting.
