Who’s Been Pilfering My Rainbow Trouts at Buzios?
I demand an immediate investigation.
Someone’s been pilfering my rainbow trouts. I intend to find out who’s the thief. Make that — thieves.
At Buzio’s, which is the seafood restaurant at the Rio in Las Vegas, the general manager is a sweet lady named Diane. Right before the start of this year’s series, Diane assured me she’d order a private stock of 50 fresh-water rainbow trouts. Just for me. They were to be put aside and offered as a special option for me and my privileged guests. The quantity “50” seemed adequate enough. Since I’d be expected to consume 27.5 of them (that’s my O/U based on dining at Buzio’s every other night during the World Series of Poker), that would leave 20 or so stray trouts for those V.I.P.s who I thought were deserving enough to enjoy the delicacy. The rest of the people can be left to fight over the frozen catfish, or whatever.
Well, tonight I just found out that all my rainbow trouts are gone! Every single one of them. I demand to know — who in the hell ate them all? Who’s been stealing my trouts?
Here are the numbers. I’ve consumed 9 of them, by my count. Here’s what I also know to be true:
— Mark Napolitano found out about the trouts and cracked into my stash. He’s consumed two trouts. But I don’t really trust him. I suspect he’s had more trouts, and lied about it. I’ve never trusted him.
— Dr. Artur Reber had one. Ditto for him what I wrote about Napolitano above. Reber’s from New York, so then I think I trust him even less than Napolitano.
— A co-worker of mine ate one after I told him what to order.
— Rich Korbin has consumed two. I trust this number as accurate.
— Tonight, Becca Hoeksema Kerl, Sabyl Cohen Landrum, and Kevin Un admitted on Facebook (which is proof) that they each consumed one trout — making three trouts in all.
So, according to my count, that’s nine for me, nine for my guests, making a grand total only 18 rainbow trouts ordered. Yet, all 50 are now gone! Thieves!
Whoever is eating my trouts better start ordering something else off the menu. Mahi Mahi. Swordfish. Catfish. Whatever. I hear those other fishes go down really good with an icy cold glass of Merlot. You poor things. Unless you are an A- or a B-lister, you’re not welcome to my stash. Privilege isn’t given. It’s earned.
Fortunately, Diane assures me that more fresh-water rainbow trouts are on the way. They’ve already been ordered. So, leave them alone! Those rainbow trouts are NOT for you. To order, you must be with my party and I must approve.
Now that the trout pilfering has been settled, next, I want to talk about the missing fresh strawberries.