Two Las Vegas News Stories You Won’t Believe Are Real (But Are)
Las Vegas can sometimes be a strange place to live.
Consider two recent local stories from our hometown newspaper, the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Both features are 100 percent accurate. Reportedly, these events really happened.
First, about a week or so ago, a 24-year-old Las Vegas woman crawled into some kind of weird contraption made for whack jobs. Apparently, there’s yet another crackpot theory of so-called alternative medicine floating around out there which alleges freezing human tissue to dangerously low temperatures somehow produces health and beauty benefits. I’m not kidding. I’m not making this shit up.
The report goes something like this. A young woman who worked in a field known as “cryotherapy” decided to stay late one night after work and use the “treatment” on herself. After everyone was done for the day, she crawled into the device (which isn’t licensed nor approved by any government agency or oversight — because that would be “socialism”). The chamber’s inner temperature was cranked down to minus 300 degrees fahrenheit. That’s no misprint. Minus 300 fucking degrees. In other words, that’s about 150 degrees lower than the coldest temperature ever recorded on planet earth, which was about -140 degrees somewhere in the middle of Antarctica. Who would have thought immersing bare human flesh to such frigid conditions could in any way prove dangerous? What the fuck could possibly go wrong?
Well, when the staff came into work the next morning, they basically found the woman’s icy body, which was frozen stiffer than a Thanksgiving turkey. Slice of Butterball anyone? Please pass the dressing. And the cranberries. Given her organs had essentially turned into solid blocks of frozen ice, she won’t be thawing out anytime before Christmas.
Yet, the craziest thing of all about this story are telephones which are now ringing off the hook at cryotherapy centers, requesting appointments. Seriously. Apparently, lots of people now want to try the “treatment.” It all goes to show, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
The second story is even more bizarre, if you can possibly imagine.
A local Las Vegas woman filed a legal complaint. She claims her co-worker is mixing way too much pleasure with business. The male co-worker reportedly sat inside his office on multiple occasions and masterbated while the woman was easily within distance of listening and possibly observing “the act.” Sometimes the suspected male co-worker even left his office door “wide open” for others to hear the scrumptious moans and groans of inner ecstasy.
The newspaper account read as follows: “Sometimes, he even gratified himself from his open office as (she) sat in her own desk just a few feet away.” Wait, there’s more.
“He just got louder and louder,” was the way she described it. “I was beginning to feel unsafe.”
Well, I must honestly say something about this, here and now. So, listen up.
I am deeply sorry. Next time, I’ll try and remember to shut the door.
No, seriously. It wasn’t me. I usually confine my vigorous masterbation sessions to occasions of convenience — such as while driving. Some might consider this dangerous behavior. I consider it multi-tasking.
The kicker to this news story is precisely where these sick acts of perversion actually took place. Would you believe this: The Nevada System of Higher Education. For real, folks. The local headquarters of the Nevada System of Higher Education sure sounds like a fun place to work. Hey, any chance I can get a job application?