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Posted by on Nov 2, 2015 in Blog | 3 comments

Tonight’s Pigeon Shit Football Pick (Guaranteed Winner)

 

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Note:  5 Minute Video Rant Below

 

After the Atlanta Falcons shit all over my teaser wheel yesterday, costing me a swing of about $6,400, the time has come to adopt a totally new football betting methodology.

That’s right.  I’m past the point of being on tilt.  What comes after tilt and bridge jumping?  You’re about to find out.

Since good old-fashioned handicapping via research, hard work, and sharp analysis doesn’t mean dog shit anymore, let’s try something new and different.  I mean, Atlanta dominated the fucking game, out-gained a miserable opponent coming off a heartbreaking road loss by 2 to 1, doesn’t punt the entire game, doesn’t allow a 3rd-down conversion on defense until the middle of the 4th quarter, while Matt Ryan throws for 400 fucking yards — one would certainly figure the 6-1 Falcons (now 6-2) could just win the goddamned game against the lowly Buccaneers, since it was teased from -7 down to -1 and wheel with the entire fucking universe.  And they almost did win.  It took overtime to drill my money up the ass and inside out.  Of course, Atlanta commits four fucking pointless turnovers to none for Tampa Bay, which is quarterbacked by a rookie and has one of the weakest pass offenses in the NFL.  Four turnovers!  What the fuck!

Then, some dip shit defensive tackle lines up off sides twice and gives the Bucs free first downs at two critical stages of the game.  Then, there were the needless other penalties, including two bogus pass interference calls, one in overtime which basically cost Atlanta the win.  The game was bullshit.  Total bullshit!  I cap the game perfectly, and the bastard players, referees, and the league conspire against me to bust my bankroll.  Well, fuck them!

I’m not done yet!

It’s time for something new in the manner of how I pick the games.  I’m sick and tired of racking my brain, thinking so far outside the box they should be naming planets after me, and teaching the world how to win betting on football.  I can’t pick a winner right now if you gave me the final score in advance.  So tonight on Monday Night Football, I’m playing $1,000 on a single play.  This WILL be posted as part of my betting record.  This is FOR REAL, folks.

Since I can’t pick a winner worth fuck, I’m turning tonight’s analysis over to the help of a few friends.  Watch the video for yourselves:

 

Note about what happened in the video:  The geese, ducks, and pigeons would not touch my pick card, even with plenty of seeds scattered.  So, I had to regroup and give a single pigeon a chance to make her play.  Let’s hope she knows what she’s doing.  Note that she dances around a bit and isn’t quite sure at first.  But then, she finally settles on the underdog Indianapolis Colts, which is tonight’s official pick.  If she wins, I’m going to use her the rest of the season.  She can probably pick winners better than I can.  If the pigeon shits on a pick, then that’s going to be a “go against” situation and a BEST BET.  It means she REALLY doesn’t like the play.  Let’s see what happens.

TONIGHT’S PIGEON SHIT FOOTBALL PICK IS — Risking $1,100 to Win $1,000 in Indianapolis Colts +6.5

3 Comments

  1. I think you have the right side, at least.

  2. Not since drop kicking the baby have I been so entertained. Sorry it was due to your bad beat!

  3. My guess is that by ignoring your board at the park, the ducks were trying to tell you to lay off the game. Only the one pigeon seemed interested, and he was clearly a degenerate.

    How do you know that degenerate pigeon isn’t dead-nuts fade material who just happened to get one right?

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