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Posted by on Nov 29, 2013 in Blog, Personal, Rants and Raves | 3 comments

Boycott Black Friday!

 

black-friday-shopping

 

Today is “Black Friday,” or what I call, “the Great American Stampede.”

Think of millions of buffalo storming off a cliff.

Seriously, have you seen what goes on at malls and stores?  People line up at midnight.  Why?  To go shopping!

That’s right, SHOPPING.

 

What are these people thinking?  Or smoking?  Or snorting?  Instead, couldn’t they have gone out and bought all that shit no one needs yesterday, or last week, or last month, you know — when most of the stores were empty and you could easily find a sales associate with a smile eager to help?  What idiot wants to stand out in the cold, fight crowds, wait in long lines, and get horrible service?  Well, it appears the answer is — just about anyone with a credit card and a pulse.

Today is the worst day ever invented by humankind.  It’s a capitalist conspiracy designed to stir the masses into a buying frenzy.  It’s an outlandish marketing campaign intended to drive more Americans further into debt.  It’s the third-world slave labor employment act.

Worse, it’s a day marred by needless stress and even violence on occasion.  In recent years, fights have broken out inside many stores.  People have been trampled and then left on the floor while shoppers make a mad dash for the sales bin.  Then, there are the innumerable acts of road rage and parking lot wars.  I’ll admit, nothing quite rings in the holiday spirit quite like zooming around the aisle full of cars just so you can grab the lone empty parking spot, forcing the loser — probably a 78-year-old woman with a cane — to walk an extra quarter mile to the entrance to Macy’s.

Indeed, Black Friday is the unscrupulous grand design of the evil axis that exists between bankers, retailers, and the mainstream media to guarantee the working class stays in hock up to their eyeballs. The most blatant example of this comes every year at this time when Lexus runs a series of grotesque fantasy commercials on television.  The ads typically show some upscale suburban twentysomething giving the husband or wife a brand new $75,000 Lexus for Christmas.  Meanwhile, the rest of us who bought our loved ones the spice rack on sale at J.C. Penney are made to feel like total shit.

Years ago, I fell under this evil spell, lured into the spider web by a newspaper advertisement.  The store was selling diamond-studded tennis bracelets for only $99.  The bracelets allegedly contained 1.5 carats worth of diamonds.  That seemed like one helluva’ good deal.  So, we lined up at 4 am for a store that opened up at 6 am.  Incredibly, a few hundred fellow suckers were already waiting in line in the darkness.  Sure enough, the doors finally swung open and before we could get to the jewelry counter, the tennis bracelets were already sold out.  Frustrated, I still managed to see the actual bracelet bought by someone else.  That’s when I realized what a scam this all is.  The tennis bracelets were plugged with badly discolored industrial-grade diamonds that wouldn’t fetch more than a few bucks on an exchange.  Worse, the “gold” was 10k plated.  It was absolute junk.

Of course, the store’s mission was accomplished.  They had successfully lured one additional idiot into their store at 6 am.  Of course, with nothing else to do with my time at that ungodly hour, I went ahead and spent the morning shopping and left the cashier with a full basket.

If Black Friday has an eye of the hurricane, it’s places like Walmart and Target.  I even saw an ad that K-Mart was opening up its stores at 8 pm the night before.  The store claimed they’d remain open all night long.  That really shocked me, especially since I didn’t know any K-Marts were still in business.  Isn’t K-Mart basically a giant Dollar Store, except that everything inside costs about five times as much?

Let me announce something, here in now.  If anyone ever sees me lining up outside a K-Mart store on a Thanksgiving night to go shopping, you have my permission to shoot me and put me out of my misery.  Please make it quick.  Should that happen, I will most certainly have lost my sanity.

There’s lots of weird stuff going on sale today, which only adds to the madness.  Consider what’s advertised at PetsMart.  Stores catering solely to the needs of our pets are scheduled to open up at 5 am.  Doggie beds are on special for $10.  I think anyone who lines up at 5 am to go buy a pet bed is probably walking on the wrong side of the leash.  Or else, they need to be tested for rabies.

Speaking of dog collars, Victoria’s Secret is opening up extra early, too.  What I want to know is — wouldn’t most of the people inclined to shop at Victoria’s Secret either be getting home from nightclubs or already be passed out in bed at that hour?  Who wakes up at 4 am to go shopping at a Victoria’s Secret?  Wait, don’t tell me — I don’t want to know.

But the very worst of the bad are car dealers.  Yes, even car lots have reduced themselves to the lowest common denominator.  Sort of like putting a basement in a coal mine.  Using a coupon to purchase a new washer and dryer might be forgiven.  But anyone who thinks that a car dealer is giving you a better deal just because it’s Black Friday deserves to be ripped off.

If you really want to shop for the holiday season and save money, as well as avoid the swarms of crowds, here’s some free advice.  Start your shopping (for next year) during the first week of January.  Or, just about the entire month of January.  Everything is on sale, just about as low as anything you’ll find on Black Friday.  You’ll get good service.  And, you’ll even be able to find an empty parking place without using the F-bomb.

Then again, I just ran across a 30 percent off one-day-only coupon for Macy’s.  So, get the hell out of my way.  I’ve got some serious shopping to do.

READ: My rant against shopping malls

3 Comments

  1. Speaking of dog collars.. (Priceless)

    LOL, yeah – I keep saying I’m switching to Greek Christmas – just to double the haul.. January tip is golden. 100% True.

  2. I totally agree that this whole Black Friday thing is a very successful marketing ploy. I don’t even like to shop on an ordinary day. In recent years I have turned to gift cards. Easy for me, financially good for the recipient (sales after Christmas, a nice meal, a movie) and I save a bundle on wrapping paper, bows and mailing costs. I keep telling my family to make a donation to their local animal shelter in lieu of a gift for me. I already have TOO MUCH STUFF.

  3. If you go into the car business I’ve got a great slogan for you to use –
    “Honest Nolan’s used cars – we screw the other guy and pass the savings on to you”

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