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Posted by on Aug 20, 2015 in Blog, Essays, Personal, Rants and Raves, Travel | 4 comments

This Painting is a Hideous Piece of Shit

 

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Look at this hideous piece of shit.  Not me.  I mean, look at the painting.

After leaving a bar in downtown Fort Lauderdale last night at around 2 am, I stumbled by an art gallery with my poker pals Jason Neuman, Charlie Ciresi, and Kurt Dau.  That’s when we spotted this horrendous painting hanging near the front door.

Take a look at this crap.  Look closer.  It shows a butterfly flapping it’s wings above an ugly little red-headed girl.  How fucking sick is that?  And check out the size of the butterfly.  Have you ever seen a butterfly that big?  I haven’t.  I’ve never seen a butterfly that big.  The butterfly is much bigger than the girl’s head.  What kind of painter makes a butterfly bigger than a human’s bead?  A sick painter, that’s who.  Doesn’t the painter understand anything about scale?

What a piece of shit.

My bewilderment turned to outrage when I caught sight of the price tag.  I thought my vision was impaired for a second.  The gallery owners must be on dope.  At first, I thought it was “$26.”  Frankly, I don’t think it could fetch that.  So imagine my complete disorientation when I realized the price tag actually read — $26,000.”  Twenty-six thousand dollars!  Are they insane!  No wonder that shitty painting isn’t selling.  They’ve got it priced, oh I’d say, about $25,995 too high.

I have something to say to the owners of this art gallery.  Some advice, actually.  Don’t worry about security.  Don’t bother turning on the alarms at night.  Hell, you can leave the front door unlocked.  Leave it open, even.  That’s because no one is gonna’ break in and steal this shit.  No one.  I’d be willing to bet that if you hauled this shitty painting out to the street and tossed it next to the garbage bags on trash day, no one would bother to stop and take it away.  Not even for free.  That thing couldn’t get $10 on Craig’s List.  Tell me, would you pay $10 for that piece of shit?  I sure wouldn’t.  And that would be the last thing I’d hang on my wall.  People would think I’m batshit crazy if I hung up a painting of a butterfly twice the size of a little girl’s head.

That painting is hideous.  It’s a piece of shit.  I strongly suggest against buying it.

 

4 Comments

  1. I come for the political commentary, but I stay for the art criticism. I wonder what Nolan would do if he learned the painting’s title was “Inception”.

  2. I’ve gotta agree, Nolan. That is one shitty painting.

  3. Ahhhh. Where you high or high n cranky when you wrote this piece???

  4. I think there’s a typo in that.
    It should read:

    “Look at this hideous piece of shit. Not the painting. I mean, look at me.”

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