Valet parking attendants piss me off. They jerk around with my car. Sometimes, they turn my vehicle into their own private joyride for what amounts to about 30 to 40 seconds of personal amusement, which is about the length of time it should take to move a car from the valet entrance into a VIP parking area.
How difficult is it to park a car?
First, take the keys. Then, drive the car into a garage. Next, park and lock it. Finally, bring back the keys and hang them up inside a small kiosk.
Picking up the car is exactly the same, only in reverse. Multiply this procedure hundreds of times daily — $2 to $3 at a time — and pretty soon a Las Vegas valet attendant is making more money per year than a schoolteacher with a Master’s Degree.
Simple, right? How tough can this job be?
Here in Las Vegas, valet parking is an absolute necessity. It’s a way of life for us. Exercising the valet parking option is mandatory unless you want the hike from the parking garage to the casino to end up being a modern-day reenactment of the Bataan Death March.
It’s well worth a few bucks to avoid going to war over empty parking spaces, followed by a half-hour hike to locate the front door of an air-conditioned building.
Trouble is, valet parking attendants burn my fuse and very often piss me off. They jerk around with my car. Sometimes, they turn my vehicle into their own private joyride for what amounts to about 30 to 40 seconds of personal amusement, which is about the length of time it should take to move a car from the valet entrance into a VIP parking area. I’ve seen valet drivers squeal the tires, hot rod the engine, mess with all the knobs and dials on the dashboard, and leave pawprints all over the inside of the vehicle.
For no reason at all. Too bad I can’t inspect my car first, or else they wouldn’t get a $2 tip.
Accordingly, here are some worthy tips for valet parking attendants:
— Don’t mess with my radio — Why do so many valet parkers have to ass jam the radio? What reason do they have to touch the CD-player and change my playlist? Why? For what? It should take all of about 40 seconds to drive my car into a parking space and then get out. So, what makes them fumble with my music and put on their own shit, usually garbage I can’t stand? In the past, I’ve picked up my car only to discover later that all of my preferred stations are no longer on pre-set. Instead, there’s some rap station locked into the memory. How much music can they listen to in 40 seconds? I think some of this might be intentional.
— Don’t change my air conditioning and heater settings — When I pull my car into the valet, the settings are usually just right for me. So, why make any adjustments? Of course, I never use the heater or air conditioner in the car, because it’s bad for the engine. So, if I pull into the driveway with no AC going, then that’s the way I want my car returned to me a few hours later. I don’t want the air blowing on me like I’m in the middle of an arctic storm. Don’t touch my temperature knobs!
— Don’t adjust my seats — I realize drivers come in different shapes and sizes. But I’m exactly six-feet tall, which is within the comfort zone for anyone of normal height. When then do valet parkers act like they’re driving my car cross-country? They change the seat position, move the steering wheel, they recline the chair to suit them. For what — so they can ride in comfort for 40 fucking seconds? Here’s my plea directed straight at valet people — It took me six months to get that front seat adjusted just right. Now, you’ve destroyed that in 15 seconds.
— Don’t adjust my mirrors — My mirrors are set for my safety. I shouldn’t have to spend the next hour or so re-adjusting all the mirror angles because some 5-foot-tall valet parking munchkin contorted all my mirrors out of place. The same rules which apply to my seats also apply to the mirrors. Leave the mirrors the fuck alone!
— Have the appropriate change handy — I want to tip you properly. I really do. But sometimes I don’t have the proper change. So, don’t give me that line of bullshit about not carrying any cash on you. If all I have in my pocket is a $5 or $10 dollar bill, the least you can do is carry some shank singles. That way, I win. You win. Everyone leaves happy. If you think that “no change” technique works on me, that is, pretending you don’t have two bucks back in change for a $5 bill, you’re not going to like which of the two options I chose.
— Don’t treat my vehicle as a race car — I’ve picked up my car before and you can actually smell the oil burning. That usually means one of two things — either the oil is very low (no chance) or the driver was gunning the engine like he behind with a lap to go at Talladega. And, if he was gunning the engine, that also means he was probably burning the rubber off the tires cutting corners too fast. Hey, prick — do your Le Mans impression with your own vehicle, okay — not mine. Besides, you look pretty stupid sitting revving up the engine of a Volvo.
There you have it.
What did I miss? What other sage advice do we have for valet parking attendants?
TAG: Valet parking secrets
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