The War on Christmas Cups
The conservative movement has perfected the dark art of victimhood to detestable new lows, even for them.
Once again, they’ve torn out the most incendiary pages of the far right’s twisted Machiavellian playbook, butchered most of the facts, and ignited the tinder box brimming over with anger and paranoia. Once again, they’ve manipulated a seemingly trivial event for their own selfish political (and financial) gain. Once again, they’ve frightened the living daylights out of their most gullible followers. And once again, their dubious tactics seem to be working. Like I said, it’s a dark art.
Whether it’s guns, or Bibles, or banks, or big oil they’re credulously protecting with the incessant screams of shrill voices and enraged sense of false patriotism, these susceptible pawns shifting around on the American political chessboard have sardined themselves with the rest of the can of crazies in what’s increasing become a vicious collective mass hysteria of guppies with unmistakable aims to obfuscate any attempt at rational discourse. Their favored tactic? Sling enough shit around, and something is bound to stick somewhere.
About 20 years ago, the National Rifle Association made a surprising discovery. They learned that when bad things happened and the situation worsened for them — whether they were under widespread attack in the court of public opinion or there were any threats to impose responsible gun restrictions — something completely unforeseen happened. When things worsened for them, the NRA’s membership ranks actually began to swell. Contributions increased and continued to flow in. In essence, when put on the defensive, the NRA became even powerful, and thus politically influential.
Sometime around 1999, when NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre went from being a rationally sane proponent of gun rights who was openly willing to compromise, into a intractable demagogue with blood on his hands, this most powerful of all Capitol Hill lobbies learned that self-victimization could be a most potent force. Accordingly, the NRA began sending out scare letters which stirred up the base, frightened the membership, called gun nuts to action, and (oh, by the way since we’ve got your attention) kindled tens of millions in financial contributions. They discovered that a rational presentation of facts and considerate accommodation of alternative points of view was feeble. NRA hard-liners wanted total war, and LaPierre as its leader was entrusted to pick up the banner, lead the posse, and give them what they wanted.
Many Christians apparently have been doing some serious studying of their own. Not content with feeding and clothing the poor and saving lost souls, Christians have mobilized into a powerful group known broadly as social conservatives. They’ve banded together and formed alliances. Organizations boasting millions of members have sprung into action, most notably Focus on the Family, the Family Research Council, and the Traditional Values Coalition. These groups are vociferously opposed to equal rights for all citizens, They seek to ban virtually all forms of gambling. They fight against decriminalization of drug laws. The defame women’s reproductive rights and want to criminalize abortion. They seek to have the myth of “creation” taught in classrooms along with the other alternative — science. They essentially want to impose a sort of Christian theocracy on America, you know, sort of like the way the country was between 1787 and 1865, what the far right considers the glory years of hallelujah.
Getting to the Christian promise land requires a devious political strategy. Most Christians aren’t all that interested in listening to lots of preaching and picking up pitchforks. They’re too busy getting ready to all the sales on Black Friday, and the frenzy of mass consumerism known as the Christmas Season. Hence, the puppet masters pulling the strings must resort to more inventive tactics.
Astonishingly, they’ve come up with the most contorted alchemy of all catch phrases: “The War on Christmas.”
The aphorism is similarly known as “The War on Christians.” Take your pick and grab me a Snickers bar.
Somehow, a country which continues to have a national religious holiday (which would seem unconstitutional) includes a significant percentage of the general population which oddly believes the most coveted of all annual celebrations is under attack. But the last time I checked the store shelves, Christmas ornaments were being put out in September. Americans will spend more money on presents this year and any other occasion in history. There’s even a shopping day marked on the annual calendar which has become a national holiday, which is called “Black Friday.” Indeed, if we secular humanists are launching a “War on Christmas,” we seem to be getting our Atheistic asses kicked.
But you’d never know it from the firebrand of fanatics who are convinced we want to burn Christmas trees and soak crucifixes in jars of urine. The very latest scare tactic is the utterly baffling and bat shit reaction to the new Starbucks seasonal coffee cups, which somehow aren’t viewed as “Christmasy” enough. From following all the Christian outrage being spewed, you’d think Starbucks replaced the portrait of Santa Claus with an image of Karl Marx. Come to think of it, Santa and Karl do look kinda’ the same. They should try that. I wonder if anyone would notice the difference.
“From each according to his ability to each according to his needs….Fa la la la la, la la la la.” Unless, of course, there’s a 60-inch television going on sale at Best Buy. Then, get the fuck out of the way! My needs trump all of yours. And don’t bump into me and make me spill my Starbucks! This cup of coffee cost me $6.49! Not including the tip!