TEN THINGS THAT DRIVE ME CRAZY ABOUT THE NFL
(1) RUN THE DAMN BALL!
Why do pro offenses so often call pass plays in short-yardage situations? This makes no sense whatsoever. Last week, the Chargers had the ball 1st and Goal at the 4-yard line. What happened? They called four straight pass plays! How is that possible! Four plays and out. Dumb! Today, Buffalo had the ball 3rd and goal on the New England 1. They called a pass play, which fell incomplete (it should have been intercepted). Then, on fourth down, another pass play — incomplete. That’s basically a turnover. When passing, bad things can happen. A sack means a 10-15 yard loss. An interception is the worst possible scenario. On 4th down and 1, we see passes thrown all the time. Occasionally, they don’t even put running backs in the backfield as decoys. Lesson: In short-yardage situations, don’t pass. Run the damn ball!
(2) WANTED: HUMAN BOWLING BALL.
This point relates to #1. Remember Refridgerator Perry, from the 1985 Chicago Bears? Sure, he was an overrated oaf of a player but he did have one year of well-deserved celebrity status. In short-yardage situations, Chicago lined “the Fridge” up as a running back. Sometimes on the goal line, he carried the ball. More often than not, he got the needed yardage, and then some. The reason was based on simple physics. The player was 350 pounds and it was impossible to stop a human bowling ball pounding across the line of scrimmage. Would he gain 5 or 10 yards? Never. Would he get 2 yards? Almost always. So, after this successful tactic, for some reason, the Bears never ran “the Fridge” play again. In fact, no team has adopted what was clearly a winning goal line or 4th and 1 strategy? Why not? If nothing else, the huge fullback is a distraction and a decoy, or a great lead blocker! This makes no sense why it’s disappeared from NFL playbooks.
(3) JUST WATCH THE BALL!
I saw this multiple times this past week. Defensive linemen are in a four-point stance. They are literally hunched down RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BALL. And then, they jump offsides. W.T.F.? How difficult is it to line up, watch the center’s hands, and the instant the ball moves, GO! Basic football 101. A defensive lineman (or anyone on defense for that matter) should NEVER encroach or jump offsides. Look at the ball. When it moves, go! It’s as simple as that. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, we see nose guards (the nose guard, right in front of the ball!) jump offsides. This should be an automatic “bench the player” moment for any defensive player who can’t follow the simple basics of focusing on the ball right before the snap.
(4) INCONSISTENT PASS INTERFERENCE ENFORCEMENT.
PI has gotten ridiculous. It’s totally out of hand. Since officials lack any ability to enforce a subjective rule with any consistency whatsoever, instead — let’s change things and make their jobs easier. In fact, LET’S CHANGE THE RULE. Allow contact. And, also allow receivers to push off defenders, or gang up and knock down defenders with blocking schemes. No illegal contact. No pass interference. Let them play! This rule change would basically eliminate most judgment calls, and in my opinion, would make the games far more enjoyable to watch. Right now, officials and flags are ruining games and determining winners and losers. Way too often, they’re getting it wrong.
(5) LET OFFENSIVE LINEMEN HOLD.
Why not. Want to protect quarterbacks? Let the linemen hold the pass rushers. Since pass interference is eliminated, let’s compensate by giving the offense a tremendous advantage. Holding is yet another subjective rule that’s enforced inconsistently. Many NFL players admit that holding could be called on almost *every* play. So, it’s only a matter of degree and circumstantial enforcement. The NFL should be trying to keep things simple and let the players determine the outcome — not referees. Offensive linemen holding would also give quarterbacks much more protection, which is critical given how many starters go down to injury.
(6) CHANGE THE FUMBLE-TOUCHBACK RULE.
This has to be the worst rule in football. Everyone should agree it makes no sense. When a team fumbles the ball into the endzone, the other gets the call at……one would expect the 1-yard line? Nope. The 20. The team gets a FREE 20 YARDS. Losing possession is sufficient a penalty to the team that fumbles the ball into the end zone. Giving the other team 20 yards upfield is absurd. Change this rule which never should have been implemented in the first place. How this rule is still a thing is baffling.
(7) NO “AIR” TOUCHDOWNS.
I’ve written about this ’til my eyes turned blue. A ball carrier on the 2-yard line should not be awarded a touchdown just because he sticks the ball out and breaks some “imaginary” plane. Why do we need lasers to determine if a TD was scored? Even worse, a ball carrier out of bounds and nowhere near the goal line should never be awarded a touchdown. The keyword here is “TOUCH.” The ball or the player should be REQUIRED to physically touch some part of the end zone. Change the rule. Require players to cross the goal line with the ball, not be given credit for holding out the ball while standing in what might as well be a different zip code.
(8 ) THE FROZEN TUNDRA.
Domes and that shit rubber grass should NEVER be allowed in pro football. It’s a bore. Real football is played outdoors in the elements. Grass. Mud. Wind. Rain. Snow. End of discussion. I’m right about this and there is no counterargument. Period. Done. Over.
(9) MAKE ALL THE REFEREES WOMEN:
Fire these old fossils. Why is every NFL referee a 70-year-old part-time insurance salesman with a glaring blind spot? Wanna’ solve the problem of terrible officiating? Hire WOMEN! They see everything! They notice everything! They nitpick! They love to tell men what to do! And, they never lose an argument! Okay, so that’s probably a sexist remark, but guys — you know I’m right. Oh, and if someone from Bill Maher’s staff is still reading this (you guys stole one of my ideas a few years ago–I noticed), you have my permission to use this on “New Rules.”
(10) WHY DON’T NFL CAREER STATS INCLUDE THE PLAYOFFS?
This is preposterous. As of right now, Tom Brady “officially” has 617 TD passes, the most ever. Wait, that’s not true! Brady actually has 40 MORE than that! Including the NFL playoffs, he has FORTY MORE. The REAL career total is 657. So, why aren’t Brady’s playoff stats included with his career record? Same question for all NFL players. Omitting playoff results from any NFL player’s overall stats is insulting, and wrong! Fix this stupidity!
* Oh, and it really drives me crazy to lose all my winnings for the season and basically be even for the season betting on the NFL. Now, THAT’s real pain!
*Don’t miss tonight’s NFL Sunday night game, the Redskins at the Dallas Football Team. Okay, I just wanted to say that. Out!