How to Tell If You’re Owned by Your Cat
“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”
― Christopher Hitchens (The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever)
How many of you own a cat?
Well, I do. In fact, I own two of them.
But wait. Do we really own these finicky felines? It’s goes more like this…our cats actually own us. If you’re a cat person or have ever taken care of one for any length of time, you know this to be true.
Here are 25 ways to tell that you’re owned by your cat:
1. You don’t bother setting the alarm clock since your cat wakes you up at 6:30 am every morning, crying to be fed.
2. Your daily schedule revolves around the cat’s sleeping and eating habits.
3. You have cat toys scattered all over the house — almost none of which get played with.
4. Your cat ignores the noisy toy mouse rattler until 3:45 am, when he suddenly decides he’s ready to play and springs into action, waking up everyone in the house.
5. Your cat has more than three pet beds, but that doesn’t stop you from buying one more.
6. Your cat’s pet beds are strategically placed according to how and when the sun shines through the window during the day.
7. When you pick out furniture or buy a new rug, decisions about color are based entirely on matching the cat’s fur.
8. You spend longer than five seconds pondering your cat’s next meal, deciding what he’ll like best — liver and egg, mariner’s catch, or chicken pate.
9. You buy the most expensive cat food in the store, then have to get on your hands and knees begging him to try it.
10. You praise your cat whenever he vomits on the tile floor, instead of the carpeting.
11. You willingly become the cat’s drug dealer (supplying his daily catnip fix).
12. You scoop out the litter box five times a day and then brag about how much cleaner cats are than dogs.
13. You have multiple scratches all over your hands and arms, and when asked about how they got there, you lie about falling into a rose bush.
14. You decide to live with the stench, rather than attempting to give your cat another bath, risking more scratches and scars.
15. You spend more money on your cat’s groomer than on your own haircut.
16. You openly display one of those ugly giant cat towers covered with carpet which sits in the most important room in the house.
17. Your cat attacks you without provocation and draws blood, and you think it’s cute.
18. You find yourself addicted to watching cute cat videos on YouTube for more than two hours at a time.
19. You’re one of the 116,294,921 people in the world who clicked and watched the famous piano-playing cat (at least once).
20. You still don’t realize that your home has a funky smell all the time and that’s why no one wants to come visit.
21. When you discover your boyfriend/girlfriend is allergic to cats, you instantly decide to break up because the relationship has no future.
22. Someone calls you a “crazy cat lady” and you think it’s meant as a compliment.
23. Your cat brushes against you marking you as its territory and you mistaken this for affection.
24. You buy the most expensive cat litter, the one with pine crystals, because you think the cat will appreciate your act of supreme generosity (he won’t — it’s still just a cat going to the bathroom).
25. You ask if ObamaCare applies to your cat’s vet bill.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
― George Carlin