Today, I’ll be cheering my ass off for 16 boring, low-scoring football games.
Give me a shitload of sacks. Give me a bunch of fumbles and interceptions. Give me a slew of incomplete passes. Give me plenty holding penalties. Give me missed field goals. Give me down after down of one-yard-gains and a pile of dust. Give me a heaping pile of gridiron garbage that falls UNDER the betting total. Give me games where the stars are the punters. I don’t want scoring. I want grotesque ugliness on a grand scale. For UNDER bettors, boredom is beautiful, baby.
On Sunday, I’m betting every NFL game to go UNDER the total.
Allow me to brag a little.
Heading into NFL Week 16, I’ve probably got the worst handicapping record in the whole country. I’m hitting 38 percent winners. Thirty-eight percent! I challenge anyone to try and hit a percentage that low on straight bets — I promise, you couldn’t do that if you tried! Yet incredibly, I’m ahead for the season — profiting by about 11 percent on a total of 133 side wagers (I’ve also paid about $6,500 in vig). I’m making money. How are you cutting it? Probably in the hole again. Poor things. I’ll try and help.
Global warming and man-made climate change is real.
Just look at temperatures around the NFL for today’s games. For the second straight week, not a single game will be played in freezing temperatures — despite cold-weather cities Minneapolis, Baltimore, Foxborough, New York, Philadelphia, Washington, and Pittsburgh all hosting games this Sunday.
Last weekend, the coldest temperature at any NFL stadium was in Green Bay. That’s certainly no surprise. What was a shock was the game time temperature — a bone-chilling 52 degrees. Hardly the “Ice Bowl.”
Would someone please check the calendar? Is it really December 20th?
I went 0-28 last week in the NFL.
That has to be some kind of record. Hey, I promised extraordinary things would happen at the beginning of the season. Well, I didn’t lie. I certainly delivered!
Zero winners. Twenty-eight losers. My losses totaled $3,300. That’s talent!
I made a friendly side wager some time ago, about where the 1963 NFL Championship Game was played.
As we sat around the bar, the rules were that none of us could access our smart phones, so it required some serious knowledge of NFL history. I recall watching some television documentary many years ago about this game that was played when I was just a year old, contemplating the mechanics of what would become teaser wheels with my baby rattle. I have no notes in front of me now, but I believe the Chicago Bears defeated the New York Giants 17-10. The game was memorable because it was the last great victory in the career of NFL patriarch George Halas, who coached the Bears since the Chicago Fire of 1878.