Pages Menu
TwitterFacebooklogin
Categories Menu

Posted by on Dec 31, 2013 in Blog | 4 comments

What Happens When the Giant Asteroid Hits?

 

asteroid-strikes-earth

 

I don’t know shit about science.

I took astronomy in college.  Three times.  You might think that would make me three times as smart.  But dropped the course twice before taking a third swing.  I finally passed the course with a grade of C.  That professor sucked.

 

Don’t misunderstand me.  I know how important science is to the world — you know, inventing my cell phone and making pure grain alcohol safe to drink, and stuff like that.  I think scientists are really cool, even the ones who whore themselves out for big oil and tobacco companies.

That said, I’m convinced science has it all wrong.

According to scientists, if an asteroid were to strike the earth it would wipe out all of humanity.  That’s what a guy with “Ph.D.” stamped after his name said on television.  I’m not talking about a giant hunk of rock the size of Africa here.  Something much smaller than that.  They say an asteroid about the size of a typical city block could basically turn out the lights on the whole planet if it were to slam into the earth.  The theory goes that once the asteroid hits, a bunch of dirt flies up into the air after the impact, and everyone ends up trying to breathe in what amounts to a house fire.

Well, I’m not buying it.  I call bullshit.

Let’s do some basic research.  But you have to use your imagination.

Let’s say a chunk of rock the size of a football stadium hurls through space and plows into the earth.  Bam!  First of all, if that happens please let Jerry Jones be trapped inside.  If the asteroid lands somewhere in the ocean, I guess it would create a tidal wave.  In other words, some really great surfing.  Okay, it would sure suck if you own a timeshare on a beach somewhere.  Well, it sucks to own a timeshare anyway, so that’s basically a push.  If you live anywhere around Los Angeles, you might want to drive up to the San Gabriel Mountains that afternoon, unless you want the swim of your life.  But after a giant wave power sprays everything in its path for about a mile inland, it’s basically clean-up time and life back to normal, right?  Sort of like getting a free car wash, and you don’t even have to tip the guy who hands you back your car keys.

What am I missing?

Now instead, let’s say the asteroid crashes onto land somewhere.  There’s going to be one hell of a hole and a giant dust storm the size of Kansas for the next day or so.  But after the wind blows and it rains a few times, what the big fucking deal?  A crater is there for sure, but all that dust settles back to earth.

Sure, that asteroid would create a huge explosion.  And there would be lots of damage, especially to any populated areas nearby — except for Detroit where it might actually improve things.  But after the fire and smoke, what’s left to burn?  Nothing!  After the rock hits the earth, the much bigger rock (called planet earth) stops the foreign object cold in its tracks.  Presto!  Problem solved!  Game over!  Winner earth!

Think of it this way.  In much simpler terms.  If a small marble slams into a bowling ball, you think the bowling ball is afraid?  Fuck no!  You think a housefly resting on the other side of the bowling ball feels even a tiny tremor when the marble blasts onto the other side?  Let me tell you something.  It doesn’t feel a thing.  It’s still dreaming of flying onto the dog feces and starting a family.  It’s not worried about the marble creating havoc.

Now, let’s make things a little more realistic.  Let’s coat the bowling ball in wax and now slam a marble into the side.  What happens?  The wax takes a hit, there’s an indention, more like a bruise.  But the rest of the bowling ball is perfectly fine.

Sucks to be the asteroid or meteor or comet, or whatever that thing is called.  See, I’ve got it all figured out.  So, why don’t scientists conduct my experiment?  Why don’t they follow my logic?

Some of the things these scientists come up with amaze me.  What balls.  Supposedly, these scientists have identified hundreds of asteroids soaring throughout the galaxy.  They know exactly how big these asteroids are and precisely how fast they’re going.  And they know all this by peering through a telescope positioned here on the earth, ten-million light-years away.  Huh?  Run that by me again?  They can’t even tell where a bullet came from that killed the President of the United States from a camera shot 50 feet away on a clear day, and you’re now telling me they know how big and fast an asteroid is that’s 10,000,000,000,000,000 miles from here?

Nonsense!

Scientists are even trying to re-write history, which is blasphemy.  They don’t even bother to read The Bible, which already has researched the whole story.  Everyone knows the earth is 9,000 years old.

But they’re convinced it’s happened before.  According to scientists, about 100,000 years ago when Howard “Tahoe” Andrew was born, an asteroid slammed into the earth.  It hit somewhere around the area where Yucatan in Mexico now rests, which explains why you still can’t drink the water down there.  Once the asteroid hit, a bunch of dust flew up into the air, the dinosaurs choked on it and couldn’t breathe, and they all died.  Even the plants died, except for crabgrass.  You can never get rid of crabgrass.

So after that, the monkeys became cavemen which became mankind, which created Ancient Greece and the Roman Empire, and built the Great Wall of China, and eventually made Happy Gilmore.  We’ve been waiting for “Asteroid II” ever since.

Well, my opinion is that it’s all bullshit.  It’s just an excuse to fill television programming on National Geographic and the Discovery Channel.  Flip the remote and all you see are shows about UFOs, the end of the world, and Hitler.  With scrambled eggs on their faces after December 21, 2012 scare came and went without a hitch, they’re now trying to scare us with asteroids.

Well, fuck asteroids.  I think asteroids are bullshit.

READ: More of my thoughts on astronomy

4 Comments

  1. Perhaps needless to say, I was skeptical, but was admittedly on the fence until I got to the part about the Bible. Well played. Now the world will never see the response I was formulating. That’s probably for the best.

  2. Nolan

    Check out the somewhat dated but still excellent science fiction novel ‘Lucifer’s Hammer’ for an imagining of what it might be like.

    • Nolan

      First, congratulations on your 500th post. I think this is one of the best blogs on the net.

      That said, if you think reading a classic sci fi novel is a waste of time then stop going to movies. I guarantee that the his you spend reading that book will be more enjoyable than most movies. The screenplay in your head is almost always better than the one the director envisioned.

      Hell, read it at stoplights instead of texting. Should take you a week

      Give it a shot. I will donate $100 to the blog if you read that book. Regardless of if you like it. Free roll baby!

      Happy New year and thanks for the great posts in 2013!

  3. Dr. Neill deGrasse Tyson talked about this asteroid that might hit earth in the Pacific SW of LA. I won’t bore you with all the details, but he said exactly 2 people would die…….the crazy surfer and the crazy weatherman. LOL

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Animals R Us | Nolan Dalla - […] READ: What happens when a giant asteroid hits us? […]

Post a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

css.php