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Posted by on Nov 27, 2014 in Blog, Personal | 0 comments

How to Survive Your Family Thanksgiving Dinner

 

thanksgiving-turkey

 

Here’s a list of the hot topics most likely to come at Thanksgiving Dinner this year, along with my recommendations on what to say versus what not to say.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

For many families, what begins as a blissful reunion and a genuine celebration of kinship deteriorates into heated arguments, wounded feelings, and solitary post-dinner rants targeted at all the people who said rude things or pissed you off during the previous six hours.  Add in those simmering decades-old anxieties, excessive alcohol consumption, and a few losing football bets, and the recipe becomes complete for resentment and misery.

Such affairs require a solid game plan.  Here’s a list of the hot topics most likely to come at Thanksgiving Dinner this year, along with my recommendations on what to say versus what not to say:

YOUR APPEARANCE

Sure as Aunt Beatrice’s dreaded cranberry sauce that everyone pretends to enjoy, this sensitive topic is sure to make an appearance every single year.  No matter what desperate measures you take to try and look more attractive — someone in your family is going to make a snide comment that you somehow look “different.”  If you changed your hairstyle over the past 12 months, expect it to be critiqued like it’s the opening night of a Broadway musical.

What to Say:     “I’m trying to look more like you.  You’re such a wonderful inspiration.”

What Not to Say:     “Yeah, I’ve changed.  But you certainly haven’t.”

YOUR AGE/WEIGHT

You can’t win this battle.  You’re drawing completely dead.  Every Thanksgiving, we look a year older.  There’s no turning back the clock.  Many of us also begin to pack on a few extra pounds, especially after that dreaded birthday ending in a zero.  Be prepared to hear all about it.  Get ready to have your lifestyle dissected like a frog in a science project.

What to Say:     “I’m starting a new diet after the holidays.  But not until I’ve tried that delicious casserole you made.”

What Not to Say:     “Please don’t sit in that chair, Uncle Al.  The springs can’t take the abuse.”

EMBARRASSING THINGS YOU DID MANY YEARS AGO

Be certain that some would-be comedian of an aunt or uncle is going to embarrass the living shit out of you in front of a room full of people by awkwardly reminiscing about that time you did something really stupid when you were a kid.

What to Say:     “Oh, I had forgotten that story.  Thanks for bringing it up.”

What Not to Say:     “That’s hilarious.  I haven’t heard that story since you told it last year.

POLITICS

Regardless of what political opinions you have, someone in your family is going to have opposite views and make sure they are heard, loud and clear.  This is especially true during presidential campaign years and mid-term elections.  This Thanksgiving should be particularly painful for Democrats.

What to Say:     “You’re totally right.  President Obama is a Muslim Socialist who is destroying America.” 

What Not to Say:      “So, what’s Cliven Bundy really like in person? 

RELIGION

Modern families tend to be increasingly diverse.  This applies particularly to religious beliefs and matters of faith.  Today’s Thanksgiving dinner is likely to include Catholics and Protestants, and even a few atheists and Jews (which aren’t always one and the same).

What to Say:     “In Jesus’ name we pray.  Amen.”

What Not to Say:     “I’m passing on the pre-dinner prayer for now, since I might have to use my phone-a-God voucher in the fourth quarter of the Dallas-Philadelphia game.”

FERGUSON

The Ferguson legal matter and aftermath which included riots is a hot topic of discussion, right now.  Expect some racially-insensitive comments to be voiced at the dinner table, in the middle of ball games, and even out in the back yard while you’re desperately trying to maintain your sanity and escape the madness for a few minutes.

What to Say:     “I’m not prejudiced.  I don’t judge people by the color of their skin.  I judge the person and their actions — that is, right after I’ve tuned-in to Fox News.”

What Not to Say:     “So, did you hear the joke about the farmer’s daughter who got lost at midnight in Ferguson….”

BILL COSBY

“America’s Dad” is the target of some very troubling allegations.  Numerous women now claim that he drugged and raped them.  There have also been allegations some of the women were paid off to keep quiet.  Even though no one in your house knows jack shit about this, other than a few headlines they read on the Internet, look for everyone gathered to have a comprehensive opinion on Cosby, his accusers, and the allegations.

What to Say:     “Perhaps it’s time to stop worshipping celebrities and making assumptions that they’re like the characters they play on television.”

What Not to Say:     “Craig’s List is selling a shitload of tickets to Bill Cosby’s show this weekend for $5 apiece.  Who wants to go?”

ISIS/ISLAM

Every adult in the room is going to be an expert on the Middle East and know exactly what to do to solve the problem of Islamic fundamentalism and global terrorism.  Prepare yourself as follows.

What to Say:     “Why don’t we just drop the big one on all of them, grab their oil, and be done with it?”

What Not to Say:     “Did you say something?  Were you talking to me?  Sorry, but I was distracted by the new Direct TV commercial with Rob Lowe.”

YOUR WIFE/HUSBAND

It doesn’t matter who you marry, the in-laws and other blood relatives are never going to fully accept the intruder into the family clan.  Your wife or husband will be reminded they’re essentially 2/3rds of a person at all family get-togethers.

What to Say:     “Please respect my decision in a life’s partner.  I know you’re more informed than me about what makes me happy, but I’m determined to make a go of this in spite of your repeated annual objections.”

What Not to Say:     “You’re right.  I blew it.  Oh, and since we’re on the subject — another baby is on the way.”

DINNER WINE/ALCOHOL

No holiday dinner is complete without alcohol and just the right table wine.  However, be cautious that some of your relatives might not necessarily agree on certain wines and vintages.

What to Say:     “I’m really glad you picked up this bottle of Woodbridge Merlot on sale at the supermarket.  Thanks for buying the supersize.  I was really wanting to try it.”

What Not to Say:     “For fuck’s sake, you’ve been stashing those expensive bottles in your wine collection for the last 20 years.  What will ever qualify as a special occasion?”

THE GENERATION GAP

You can’t win this one.  If you’re older, the younger generation is lazy, stupid, culturally bankrupt, immoral, and doesn’t respect their elders one bit.  If you’re younger, the old people just don’t get it and never will.

What to Say:     “Please tell me that story of how you saved the whole platoon in the Korean War again, Grandpa.”

What Not to Say:     “I was surprised to see you this year.  I didn’t know you were still alive.”

By following each of these recommendations won’t necessarily ensure you’ll enjoy a pleasant afternoon.  It will still mostly suck.  But these guidelines will keep the peace — at least until the next family get-together at Christmas.

So, have a great Turkey Day!

TAG: Topics to avoid at family get-togethers

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