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Posted by on Jan 27, 2014 in Blog, Personal | 5 comments

Sticky Fingers: My Trouble with Super Glue

 

super-glue

 

Why is it that each time I use Super Glue, the only thing that gets permanently stuck together is my fingers?

 

Ever used Super Glue?

Why is it that each time I use Super Glue, the only thing that gets permanently stuck together is my fingers?  Next time I shake hands with someone, they’re going to look down at my palms and think I’ve either got a contagious skin disease or I’m the Alligator Man.

I just spent half an hour attempting to glue a broken wooden rocking chair back together.  Go ahead, insert your punch line.  The rocking chair isn’t for me, okay.  It’s for my mother-in-law.

So, I did as instructed.  I cut open a fresh tube of Super Glue and then without warning a clear sticky liquid starts popping out of the tube faster than Ron Jeremy in his prime.  I mean, four fingers get totally slathered in glue.  About the only thing I can now do with my right hand over the next five days will be snapping to a perfect military salute.  That should come in handy.

I’m no handyman.  About the only physical labor I want to do is uncork a bottle.  That said, how fucking difficult is it to use Super Glue?

Well, apparently this is rocket science.  Before using Super Glue, you might as well accept the following:

(1)  Body parts are going to get stuck together.

(2)  The Super Glue is going to spill somewhere and ruin the carpet, floor, or whatever.

(3)  The shit’s not going to work and even if you try to hold the broken item together for an hour, it’s going to snap apart as soon as you let go.

(4)  You’ll drop at least a dozen F-bombs.

(5)  You’ll waste a half roll of paper towels trying to clean up the mess and dispose of the broken tube.

What’s most ironic are the television commercials you used to see for Super Glue.  Some paid pitchman wearing a construction hard hat would place a tiny drop of the goo on the tip of his hat and then affix it to a steel beam.  Then, he’d hold onto the hat while being suspended in mid-air.  Ah yes, the miracle of Super Glue.

Fucking liars!

Perhaps it does work on special occasions.  Consider the very true story of a neighbor where she got so pissed off at her cheating boyfriend that she once Super Glued his right hand to his penis while he was sleeping.  Yes, this really happened, which tells you everything you need to know about what it’s like to live in Las Vegas.  Imagine waking up the next morning, and then walking into the Emergency Room later with that embarrassing little medical problem.  Try to explain that one to the ER nurse on duty.

Err, uhh, I’m not really sure how my hand got stuck there, nurse.

So, the bottom line is — Super Glue works wonders in unintended places.

Hands.  Fingers.  Penises.

But not rocking chairs.

5 Comments

  1. Try Gorilla Glue next time for something like a rocking chair. Seriously, it’s awesome and so far I have not stuck any parts of myself together (unintentionally).

  2. Nolan,
    I know you for almost twenty years now. But you never struck me as a craftsman. I just can’t imagine you sitting at a table or kneeling next to that chair applying glue with any precision with your tongue sticking out for support.

    Of course accidents will occur if you don’t have the patience to go through the glue tube opening ritual. Just like I can’t see you sitting through a Japanese tea ceremony.

    Stick to your guns, hire a carpenter next time. Marieta probably knew already what was about to happen and secretly hoped you’d become smarter. 🙂

  3. Ted just informed me that super glue was invented to close wounds during the Viet Nam war. And you can use it at home for that purpose unless the blood is spurting in which case you had better get your ass to an ER.

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