A very long time ago, something called “the big bang” happened.
A galaxy formed.
Planet earth was born.
At first, planet earth was a smoldering ball of fire and smoke. Then, it gradually cooled off — except for Arizona.
Temperatures stabilized. Microcosmic cells were born and began evolving. Cells began bonding. Tiny living creatures gradually turned into giant dinosaurs. Then for some reason, all the dinosaurs died out. No one knows how or why.
After that, other animals evolved. Early primates were born. They eventually became monkeys. Next, these hairy beasts started walking upright and turned into what we know today as “human beings.” Except for the slimeballs who work for collection agencies.
The early humans hunted. They fished. They eventually learned how to grow food. Then, they got fatter because they started eating fast food. The first fast food was called “MacRabbit.”
Some humans became greedy. They saw other humans hunting and fishing. They saw other humans growing food. The greedy humans decided, “why the hell should we waste our time hunting and fishing and growing food, when we can just steal their shit and eat for free?”
So, the strongest humans conquered the weakest humans. The strongest humans made weapons. This made them even stronger.
Eventually, the weakest humans were reduced to slaves. Everything they produced was turned over to the stronger humans.
The humans started forming alliances. Villages were created. These villages eventually became cities, which then grew even bigger. The cities began to form alliances too, which were called nations.
Then, something peculiar happened. The same cycle repeated itself, this time on a larger scale.
Some nations became greedy. They saw other nations hunting and fishing. They saw other nations growing food. The greedy nations decided, “why the hell should we waste our time hunting and fishing and growing food when we can invade their lands, steal their shit, and make all their people work for us?”
So, the strongest nations conquered the weakest nations. The strongest nations made weapons. Powerful weapons. This made them even stronger.
Eventually, the weakest nations were turned into colonies. Everything they produced was turned over to the stronger nations. Colonialism was born.
Some nations started forming alliances. They made treaties. They agreed to go to fight and kill and go to war if the other tribes invaded. No big deal, it seemed. The slaves from colonies would fight it out among themselves. Those with the gold who made all the rules remained in control. Somehow, they even managed to make money off the wars.
Eventually, the slaves and the weaker nations woke up and realized what was going on. They got pissed off. They got tired of seeing all their goods and the fruits of their labor sent to the stronger people and nations. So, they revolted. They started revolutions. For this, they were labeled revolutionaries and terrorists. The elite in the powerful nations pointed at them and said, “look, those are bad people!”
This ungrateful behavior caught many humans off guard. This ticked off the stronger people in the most powerful nations. So the kings and queens and presidents and prime ministers and capitalists and totalitarians all started building even bigger armies and navies. They made even more powerful weapons to maintain their control. Finally, they created such a powerful weapon that the entire world could be destroyed all because of one powerful human pushing a single button if he really got mad.
While the people and nations were arguing and fighting, some really bad things started happening. The humans multiplied too quickly. The ruling elite wanted more soldiers for the armies and navies, and more workers for the factories. Religious leaders wanted more followers. So they outlawed birth control and made abortion illegal. Populations exploded, especially in the poorest nations. Pretty soon, there wasn’t enough food to go around and people started starving. Many suffered. Millions died.
And yet, the powerful nations and the religious leaders did nothing about it. They demanded more workers and more followers. So, they ignored the problems they were creating.
Year by year, all the stuff on planet earth started running out. Food became more and more scarce. Next, clean water became a major concern. They even started bottling drinking water and selling it. And I’m not talking about Perrier.
It was the same with oil. And coal. Then minerals. Finally, medicine became harder to get. Diseases that were cured in previous generations began reappearing.
The earth got dirtier. The air became darker. The seas got warmer because there were too many factories blowing toxins into the air and too many people like drive cars and won’t take mass transit. Nobody liked to ride the bus.
All these people started creating a huge problem. No one knew what to do with the trash. As the land became increasingly overpopulated and polluted, more and more garbage was dumped into the oceans. Fish began dying out. Pretty soon, some parts of the ocean were caked in filth.
Incredibly, while all this was going on, some people refused to believe what was happening. They denied the earth was steadily growing warmer. They ignored the air and water getting dirtier. They refused to do anything about all the fish dying. This deception was made worse by the richest and most powerful humans. For they knew the truth. They had access to science. But instead, they lied to the people. They told everyone the movement to clean up the earth was a huge conspiracy. They called the scientists radicals and leftists. Instead, they told everyone to trust the bankers and oil companies. After all, they knew what was best for the people.
So, the world got dirtier and dirtier. Pretty soon, the oceans began rising. Temperatures increased. The planet which had survived in perfect balance and relative harmony for millions of years was rocked from its axis. The quintillion billion molecules which allowed life to thrive on earth became frantic.
Finally, the earth couldn’t take the abuse anymore. Plundered beyond the ability to repair itself, the planet said “fuck it.” Nature began exacting its revenge on the human invaders and began wiping out everyone. The earth responded mightily with fires, floods, hurricanes, typhoons, earthquakes, and other devastating forces of nature which took a massive toll on humanity and caused unspeakable misery.
The food started running out. Riots began. Chaos ensued. Nations fell. The elite was no more. Pretty soon, people were reduced back to a primitive state once again where they began fighting over the most basic human necessities — like food and water. But by then, it was too late. The planet had become poisoned and couldn’t be saved. Humanity perished forever.
And with that, the human race living on a tiny and insignificant planet called the earth was no more