Nolan Dalla

Scattershooting About Nothing and Everything




[1] Bread and circuses, Exhibit A: Democracy is in peril! The world is falling apart! So, what’s the top-selling book on Amazon, right now? ……it’s Britney Spears’ new memoir.

[2] Something interesting I learned today: There are roughly 2.7 million immigrants in the greater Toronto region, accounting for nearly half (46 percent) of the city’s entire population. That’s why a few years ago the BBC named Toronto as “the most multicultural city in the world.” (Note: I’ve never been to Toronto.)

[3] The stupidest penalty in football: No defensive lineman should EVER jump offsides. EVER! The ball is right there! It’s so simple. Just WATCH THE DAMN BALL. When the ball *moves* (the ball gets hiked), then…..GO!

[4] The entire city of Las Vegas as become a maze and quilt of makeshift amateur racetracks. And, I’m not talking about F1. Noise pollution to the max. Day and night, night and day, we constantly hear the roar of engines, burning up and down boulevards. 2 pm. 2 am. It doesn’t matter. Which brings me to my question: WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE POLICE? Can’t they hear?

[5] Speaking of police, I’ve seen maybe four patrol cars on my street in the entire last 19 years. They practically NEVER patrol. On holidays (and even non-holidays), fireworks make the neighborhood sound like Baghdad. No cops ever show up. But last week, a patrol car sure as hell rolled up behind me at an intersection, turned on his rollers, pulled me over, and wrote me out a fat fucking $200 ticket for having expired license tags (the sticker was for 10-23). Gee, thanks a lot for protecting and serving the public. (I guess I should start street racing, and tossing lit fireworks out the window, so I can avoid a ticket.)

[6] Why is it there used to be just four main TV channels (CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS) when I was growing up and there was always something good to watch and now that I have a satellite dish, two subscription services, and a pirate stick, I spend MORE time with the remote in my hand channel surfing?

[7] Club Crackers (by Kellogg’s) have turned to shit. They changed the recipe. Bastards! They clearly reduced the butter flavor and turned up the salt. The taste is dry. Hey Kellogg’s–if I wanted SALTY crackers, I’d buy SALTINES! Hello???? After 50 years of loyalty, you’ve lost me, Club. I’m done!

[8] Every third-party candidate that announces a run for president increases the likelihood Trump will be elected in 2024. I can’t think of any candidate, declared or undeclared, who would hurt Trump in the general election given his unshakeable (“I could shoot somebody in the middle of Fifth Avenue…”) cult base. The presidential campaign might not have started “officially” yet, but we are already at the point of a national crisis.

[9] Another football rant: No player what scores a touchdown should be dancing around and preening for the cameras so long as his team is LOSING. I hate it when a player does that. Look at the scoreboard, hot shot. YOU’RE LOSING. Be a professional.

[10] We had some tile work done in the two showers, which meant nobody in the house could take a shower since Saturday morning. I can’t recall the last time I went 48 hours without showering, but this morning my skin feels like it going to break out in hives and my body smells like a trucker’s ass. Yuck. How did humanity survive before daily showing became a thing? Did everyone just smell like farm animals and scratch themselves all the time?

[11] There’s an annoying TV commercial showing constantly where a young American girl gets into the back of a Parisian taxicab. She doesn’t speak a word of French. The driver doesn’t speak English. I know. What a clusterfuck of confusion. The girl pulls out an app with a translation guide, then rattles off….“s’il te plaît, emmène-moi à l’Hôtel Pierre.” The driver smiles, and responds….“ohhhhhhhhh, l’Hôtel Pierre!” Disaster averted! I don’t want to kill the app’s business, but couldn’t the girl just bark out……”HOTEL PIERRE” and not worry about the whole translation of a full sentence? I’m guessing the scruffy Parisian taxi driver will be stoked with enough comprehension to understand what the passenger means and know where the HOTEL PIERRE is located. Not that I know many Paris taxi drivers, but I’m optimistic she’ll reach the HOTEL PIERRE. Presumably though, this TV taxi driver has never picked up a foreigner.

[12] Last week, I received a letter from my HOA. It’s a violation. The letter says the outside stucco needs repair. Huh? Who does the HOA think they are bossing me around when my house is one of the nicest on the block? Screw them! Oh wait, I’m the president of the HOA. Ooops. Nevermind.

[13] My Home Repair Guideline:

— if it costs no money, fix it now.
— if it costs less than $50, I’ll try to get to it this week.
— if it costs $50-499, I might get to it next week.
— if it costs $500-$1999, I’ll try to get to it in the next six months.
— if it costs $2,000, fuck it. Patch it. Duct tape over it. Paint over it. Kick it. Do whatever it takes to squeeze out another year (unless its plumbing or the TV doesn’t work–then it’s an emergency)

[14] ‘Tis the Season: We’re coming upon the glorious time of year for gift-giving. A warning: Be careful about re-gifting. You know, that worthless item no one will ever use that gets passed around like stale leftovers. Remember–make sure your re-gift isn’t given to the *original* sender. How embarrassing. Those sets of scented soaps and red Christmas dinner napkins have been re-gifted so many times and passed around between multiple families over the past decade that they’ve got their own frequent flier MasterCard.

[15] A Final Thought: C.W. McCall has more #1 hits than…..The Who, Sam Cooke, James Brown, ELO, Steely Dan, Bruce Springsteen, AC/DC, Don Henley, Pat Benatar, Pearl Jam, The Moody Blues, Nirvana, Sting, Creedence Clearwater Revival, the Grateful Dead, Van Morrison, the Kinks, Led Zeppelin, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Tom Petty, The Ramones, Rush, Talking Heads, Jimi Hendrix, or Bob Dylan. None of them ever released a song (they performed) that made the top of the charts. Fact: The wretched gimmicky mid-’70s hit titled, “Convoy” was the #1 song in the United States. It stayed on the charts for 16 weeks.

….’til next time.

Oh, and yes — he outsold Led Zeppelin and Bob Dylan:


Exit mobile version