I hate small talk.
What’s the most annoying string of words that stream from the human mouth, other than “Can I borrow money?” Consider these three words: How are you? Other variations of this persistent irritation include the following — How’s it going? What’s going on? You doing okay?
Quit it. Just stop. I’m begging you.
What’s the point of all this worthless time-wasting drivel? Do you really want to know my current state of affairs — about how furious I am right now with Nevada State Bank for hitting me with those overdraft charges, the car leaking oil, my plantar fasciitis killing me, the bookies wanting their money, and currently the state of affairs in Syria?
How am I, you dare to ask? Look at me. I’m working from noon until 3 am every day inside a building that’s so cold it could refrigerate meat. I’ve got bronchitis and it’s 109 degrees outside. Oh, and one of the companies I work for is $22 billion in debt and in bankruptcy. How the fuck do you think I am?
The fact is, you don’t really care. So, don’t ask. Clam up and snap it shut. Unless you have something really important to say to me, stand clear and keep quiet. Got it?
When you do approach me, there are certain rules and procedures to follow.
RULE ONE: I DO NOT ENGAGE IN SMALL TALK. Period. Exclamation point. End of discussion. Tell me about your personal problems another time. On second thought — don’t.
Small talk includes topics like the weather, family, and pets (yours), and health problems. Sorry, but I don’t want to hear any of it. I’ve got enough issues to deal with. My plate isn’t full. It’s a fucking Matterhorn right now, got it?
Unfortunately, here at the World Series of Poker, where I am dutifully engaged in nearly seven consecutive weeks of work activity, everyone seems to think their 5-minute story is worth my valuable time. That might be okay if I had two friends. But I’ve got two thousand and if just 1 percent of them jam me up and want to foam at the mouth about running bad at the tables, that’s 20 times 5 minutes, which is like two hours of talking about bullshit.
Yeah, I understand that everyone wants to talk to me because I’m fascinating. It’s true, the sweetest fruit draws the most flies.
But I really don’t care to engage in the triviality of dialogue that both of us (especially me) are likely to forget about 5 seconds from now. Once you walk away, I’m scrubbing my mind bank clean preparing for the nest pest.
Here are the ACCEPTABLE versus UNACCEPTABLE topics of discussion with me between May 27 and July 15, when the World Series of Poker is taking place:
TEN ACCEPTABLE TOPICS
1. Money (if you owe me)
2. Restaurant discussion and recommendations
3. Wine
4. A hot pick in sports betting (it better win, or you’re blackballed)
5. Books, writing, literature
6. Progressive politics
7. Praise for me, the World Series of Poker, “Poker Night in America” or anything else with which I’m associated (always better and taken as sincere if accompanied by a cash gift)
8. Critically-acclaimed movies, documentaries, etc.
9. My pets, problems, financial issues, and health concerns
10. Dinner plans
TEN UNACCEPTABLE TOPICS
1. Money (If I owe you)
2. Bad beat stories of any kind (I don’t care how much or how bad)
3. Criticism of me, my employers, or my sports picks
4. Your health problems
5. Your relationship problems
6. Your financial problems
7. The weather
8. Punctuation
9. Allen Kessler
10. Complaints on the tournament structure of any kind (go talk to Matt Savage)