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Posted by on Jan 30, 2014 in Blog, Travel | 6 comments

The Pyramids Were Built by Idiots

 

Pyramids

 

Let me level with you, okay.  I’m going to teach you something.

I don’t care what all those fancy scientists and sandmen say.  The pyramids were built by fools.  Total idoits.

I mean, look at this gigantic thing in the photograph.  These things weren’t built by “Monument’s Men.”  Rather, what a monumental waste of space and time.

They spent like sixty years and forced more than 150,000 men and women to slave away seven days a week….and that’s the best structure they could come up with?  Holy shit.  Hell, it wasn’t even a union job.

And another thing.  Who would be stupid enough to build a huge pyramid like that way out in the dessert?  On sand dunes, no less.  In the middle of nowhere.

Here’s a few construction sites that actually do make sense:  The French Riviera?  I get it.  Bavaria?  I get it.  Bali, or Bora Bora?  I’m there with ya.  I could even see hauling and stacking limestone blocks somewhere in the middle of Alabama.  On second thought, nevermind.  Alabama is waaaaay worse that Egypt.  I mean, have you ever stayed at the Motel 6 in Tuscaloosa?  Bottom line — whoever the architect was that decided on a barren wasteland as a building site was either stoned off his ass, or should have been stoned (as in, to death).

The shortcomings are plenty.  For one thing, it’s hotter than holy hell in Egypt.  I’m told there wasn’t even air conditioning available way back in 3,500 B.C.  So, how did they keep the beer cold?

Then there’s the problem that it’s in the Middle fucking East.  You want plenty of tourists to come see it later, don’t you?  Be nice to have some Jewish guests, as well.  So, you put it in wacko-land?  Hey, why not just stick it in Iran under the Ayatollah’s ballsack?

I don’t know what the landscape was like back then when Moses was alive, but I sure don’t see a lot of fresh food growing out there in the dessert.  You build a structure a whoppping 60 stories high, and there’s not even a Subway shop or a Starbucks next door?  How sick is that?

I’m reminded of the late comedian Sam Kinison’s famous diatribe against world hunger here where he insists he’s got the solution to global starvation.  The solution isn’t to send them food, Kinison says, but rather luggage and U-Hauls.  “You all want to eat?  Then, move where the food is!  You wanna’ know what your problem is….you live in the middle of the fucking dessert!  Nothing grows out here!  So, move!  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Sometimes at nighttime, I channel surf and I come across these weird television shows.  On science and shit.  They always talk about what a big deal the pyramids were to the history of mankind and how advanced those societies were way back then.  Yeah, right.  Give me a break.  They don’t look very smart to me.  For one thing, if they’re so damned smart how come they’re all dead now and the whole place looks like a boarded up Oldmobile plant in Detroit?

One smart guy on TV even came up with a theory.  Don’t laugh, okay?  He thinks the pyramids were built by ancient people with the help of — sorry, I have to stop for a moment — I might not make it thorugh this — he thinks the pyramids were built by people who were helped by….aliens.

Like E.T.

Hey, blame the guy with the wierd hair.  He talked that shit, not me.

Anyway, the theory goes the pyramids are actually giant beacons, you might even say lighthouses, for exraterrestrial spacecraft when they eventually decide to come back to earth.  In other words, the spaceships fly 100 light years through the galaxies and somewhow avoid meteorites, space dust, asteroid belts, comic flares, and somehow manuever their way through billions of stars and potentially even more planets and moons and matter and black holes, and finally, finally, finally locate planet earth, and now all the sudden they get lost without the so-called GPS of a pyramid built by slaves wearing loinclothes?

Sorry, I’m bursting open here like a pupfish.

I’ll admit, I get lost driving myself sometimes.  But somehow I think aliens might be able to make it to Egypt without the pyramid made of the same sand color flagging the way to the landing strip.  I mean, if you want it to stand out, paint it purple, not fucking brown.  I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.

Come to find out, there are plenty of pyramids in other places, too.  Like Mexico, for instance.  Another guy on TV claims the grand architect at Teotihaucan who lived around 100 A.D. copied the design of the pyramids in Egypt, which really spells out some wierd shit if you’re gullible enough to believe all this.  It either means those aliens were cheating two-timers double-banging the slaves on two continents, or else that Mexican architect acquired a shitload of frequent flier miles back then going back and forth between Egypt and Mexico.  Or, the other explanation is they were a few generations removed from the stone age, had nothing to do with their free time, and decided to just build some weird structures for shits and giggles.

See, I told you these pyramids are a total crock.  Another show said they’re supposed to be tombs.  Yeah, whatever.  What kind of deranged egomanic would demand a giant grave like that?  “Trump” sure doesn’t sound Egyptian to me.

In reality, I think those pyramid builders in ancient Egypt and Mexico were pranksters.  Like kids throwing eggs.  They said to themselves….how can we be remembered many thousands of years from now by people of a future age?  Bingo!  Let’s build some really big shit, carve a bunch of pictures with strange-looking people wearing all kinds of unusual costumes into the walls, and then just run off and disappear.  That will sure blow their minds.  They’ll be fumbling all over themselves for centuries.

Indeed, they’ll be talking about us for the rest of time.  Hell, we might even get our own television show, or a whole discovery network.  Hmmm.  Maybe those pyramid building freaks weren’t so stupid, after all.

At least one thing is for sure.  We always learn from history.  There’s no way anyone would be dumb enough to do that again, right?  I mean seriously, who would build a giant pyramid out in the middle of the dessert, nowadays?

What idiots those people back then were.  Stupid them.

 

luxor-las-vegas

 

6 Comments

  1. BTW, despite the appearances from countless photos and calendars, etc, the pyramids are not in the middle of nowhere. In fact, they are in a pretty good-sized city, Giza. And it’s not like they are “in the city” like, say, some airports, where you have to drive 25 miles out of the city to get there. In Apparently there are laws forbidding building anything on one side of them, so that all those pictures which make it look like they are these crazy structures rising out of a vast plain of sand dunes can be preserved. fact, there are roads right next to the pyramids and sphinx, and like a KFC right across the street. I have a photo of the fast food joints, taken from in front of the Sphinx. 🙂

  2. Then again, they probably did know how to spell desert.

    • NOLAN REPLIES: I wondered if anyone would catch that. Also “Idoit” in the intro paragraph.

      Nice catch, Hawkeye.

      — ND

  3. Built by Aliens? Sheesh those Mexicans sure get around dont they? 🙂

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