Our national leaders are elected by morons. They are called “the undecideds.”
Since the dawn of the television age, every election has been decided by idiots.
No matter what year, no matter which election, no matter who the candidates are — the voter breakdown always follows the same pattern. About 45 percent of voters vote for the Republican candidates. About 45 percent of voters vote for the Democratic candidates. That leaves 10 percent of voters in the middle who call themselves — “undecided.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the most powerful voting block in America — the 10 percent of voters who don’t know and don’t care. These are the rubes deciding the future of our nation.
Let’s meet them, shall we?
Undecideds are everywhere.
Inside bowling alleys. Blathering on barstools. Playing on softball fields. Ordering hamburgers. Driving in the far right-hand lane and not making the right turn at busy intersections. Delaying the TSA checkpoint. Shopping at Walmart. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors and ages.
Undecideds are usually easy to identify. The lack any guiding political philosophy. They don’t read books. They don’t read newspapers. They don’t watch news shows. They can’t be bothered with complex details about any issue, because “it’s boring.”
Occasionally, news does manage to penetrate their skulls, so long as it airs on Entertainment Tonight or SportsCenter or there’s some scandal attached to it. Then, they’re certain to have an opinion. They know more about the life of a moviestar or the starting quarterback of their favorite football team than anyone who holds elected office. They don’t spend a second thinking about issues, but they have an opinion on just about everything. Just ask them.
They’re the first to start chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” whenever an American athlete competes against someone from another country. They’re the first to gloat, “America is the greatest country in the world,” even though they’ve never actually traveled overseas. They’re the first to attack anyone who dares to question the conventional view of America’s role in the world, equivocating dissent with treason. They think of themselves as the true patriots, even though they probably can’t name their local congressman.
In reality, they’re phonies and frauds. And, they’re dangerous.
I have a message for all those undecideds who lack political conviction and who are void of anything that could possibly be construed as a personal philosophy. Listen carefully. My message is this:
DON’T VOTE!
I swear. I will have more respect for you for sitting out another election than pretending that you really care for 5 minutes. If you can’t spend as much time thinking about the future of your country as deciding what you’re going to order off Olive Garden lunch menu, we don’t need you cluttering up the lines on election day and diluting the end results with your indifference.
I hate voter registration drives. No wait, that’s not strong enough. I despise them. I want them STOPPED.
This time of year, registration drives are everywhere to try and motivate people to get out and vote. My question is — WHY?
Why should we encourage people with absolutely no knowledge of issues and an utter lack of interest in civic affairs to suddenly enter a voting booth and starting checking boxes of candidates they know nothing about? It’s like begging a 5-year old to show up on November 9th and be an air traffic controller for a day.
Please, someone, explain this to me.
Why are volunteers out there parading around in parking lots with clipboards begging disinterested people to register and vote when these people obviously lack any desire to exercise their civic responsibilities? These people haven’t bothered to vote in recent years (otherwise, their registration would automatically be renewed). Moreover, all prospective new voters (such as those who turn 18, or move in-state for the first time) are given the option to register to vote when they obtain a driver’s license.
It all comes down to this: The vast majority of unregistered voters haven’t been motivated enough to get involved politically in the past. So, why do we now want them to barge into the current election cycle and cast ballots based on no knowledge whatsoever about the issues or the candidates?
Do we really want these blathering undecideds stepping into the voting booth and canceling out the INFORMED votes of people who are already registered and take elections seriously? What kinds of decisions are these kinds of people going to make? I’ll tell you. They would likely make some very bad decisions and for all the wrong reasons. They’re more likely to vote for or against a candidate based on they way they look, the ethnicity of their heritage, or who had the best TV commercial.
This isn’t about partisanship. Even those I disagree with politically are, at least, engaged in the process and can articulate why they support their candidate. I respect that. But do you honestly think some buffoon who’s been coaxed into registering in a grocery store parking lot and who don’t follow current affairs, is going to make an informed decision?
Hell no!
He’s likely to vote based on which television commercial he enjoyed most, which candidate amused him, or something his buddy said in a bar after gulping down his seventh beer.
He’s going to make a presidential pick based on the candidate he’d “most like to have a beer with.”
The powers that be know how the game is played. They know the secret to winning elections. They know that, in order to win, they must reduce themselves, the political process, and the entire nation to the lowest common denominator.
What does this mean — the lowest common denominator?
Let’s say there’s a stadium full of people. Someone gets on the loudspeaker and announces that everyone has just won a free dinner. The only stipulation is — everyone in the stadium must agree on what’s to be served.
A vote is taken. Thousands vote for steak. Thousands vote for salmon. Thousands vote for lobster. The bottom line is, no one can agree on anything. So, the meal comes down to a vote where finally, there are no objections, and the lowest common denominator prevails. The verdict? Everyone ends up eating beans and hot dogs.
That’s what political campaigns have come down to — beans and hot dogs in a voting booth — trying to appeal to and appease that last sliver of the indifferent, who might actually be motivated enough to get off their lazy asses and go out and pull the lever for their candidate.
These are the people who will decide our future. The undecideds.
If after all the shit we’ve been through the last two years, you’re still “undecided”…..then please:
DON’T VOTE. STAY HOME.