Nolan Dalla Rant: Maid to Drive Me Crazy
I sympathize. I really do.
Working as a hotel maid must be a brutal job. It doesn’t pay shit. You’re forced to clean up other people’s filth. I can’t even begin to imagine the nasty things you see every day.
That said, I do have one simple request.
QUIT WAKING ME UP EVERY FUCKING MORNING AT 7:20 AM!
Really, is that too much to ask?
I know. Such an asshole. I fork over $235 per night and expect a good night’s sleep. How dare I.
Well, I’ve had it.
I’m fed up with reckless maids stomping down hallways like wild mares, banging into walls, ignoring DO NOT DISTURB signs, hollering through closed doors, and making it impossible to get any rest. When you’re slumbering in that restful comfort zone early in the morning, a maid’s cart rolling down the hallway shouldn’t sound like a battalion of U.S. Marines landing on Iwo Jima.
I’m currently staying in New Orleans for 18 days and more important — 18 nights. That’s eighteen unwanted wake up disturbances, usually at about a quarter past seven. Seriously. They can’t even wait until noon when people like me get up. I mean, who lays out two bills and change for half a night’s stay in a first-class hotel in order to wake up at 7 am and dart out the door? Isn’t everyone in the hotel still hibernating at 7 am? Why disturb them? Why torture innocent people?
Every morning like clockwork, my maid crash lands at my floor about three hours after my head has hit the pillow, usually in the middle of my blissful REM sleep. The invasion approaches.
She belts out her announcement at least three times before finally busting in the door like a battering ram making a drug bust. Since most hotels are designed with several doors grouped together, I hear the maid screaming “HOUSEKEEPING” a dozen times. Worse, if you count the rooms down the hall on each side, and the maid has a really powerful set of lungs.
But what drives me bat shit crazy is hearing the maid bang every fucking thing in the room around like she’s a junkie searching for a bag of coke. Here’s a typical audio re-creation:
7:15 am — Shouts of HOUSEKEEPING!….HOUSEKEEPING!
7:16 am — HOUSEKEEPING! shouted as she bursts in the door. Door slams against a metal hook. Door fails to connect. Maid slams it four times before the hook finally engages and the door remains open.
7:17 am — Maid opens the cart doors, removes cleaning material, then slams the doors shut again. This obnoxious procedure will be repeated at least five more times.
7:18 am — Maid flushes the toilet, an unpleasant sound amplified against a tile floor. Sounds blasts out into the hallway with the door wide open. Everyone on the entire hotel floor is serenaded by a flushing toilet. Tank has to refill with a stream of water, which takes like two minutes.
7:20 am — Maid turns on shower head and lets water run full-blast for 90 seconds.
7:22 am — Maid changes the bed linens. This is three minutes of quiet time. But the peaceful moment is fleeting. It’s the eye of the hurricane. The worst is yet to come.
This sets up the most obnoxious stage of the hotel room cleaning experience. I’m talking about the dreaded vacuum cleaner. Any sleeper who has somehow managed to successfully tune out the previous seven minutes is about get a rude wake up call. It’s impossible to ignore.
The machine of doom is turned on. The vacuuming begins.
What the fuck is going on? Is she now doing carpentry work? What’s with all the banging?
It turns out the maid keeps slamming into the baseboards! That’s it. Do you know what a vacuum cleaner slamming into a wooden baseboard sounds like at 7:23 in the morning? It sounds like you’re sitting in front row seats at a Philadelphia Flyers game.
Finally, the vacuuming is done. It’s quiet for about 30 seconds.
Then, off to the next hotel room. The cycle continues.
Here and now, I’m making a list of demands for maids. Here are my TEN COMMANDMENTS:
(1) Try opening and closing doors like normal people. Quit slamming all the doors!
(2) If you see stains in my room, do your job and clean it up. And don’t ask any questions. If you see my face do not associate me with those stains. They were probably left there by the previous guest.
(3) Quite disturbing my pillows. When I yank four pillows off the other bed and pile them up on mine, that means I want eight pillows on my bed. So, don’t separate my pillows. I’ve probably cradled the best one for my head. Change the linens and then leave them where they are. I usually make a sleeping nest that might take me 4 or 5 nights to get it just right. Don’t fuck with it.
(4) If I re-arrange the furniture, leave it alone. Don’t move it back. I move furniture around because I prefer it that way. I wouldn’t go to your house and start pushing around your furniture. Why must you do that to my room?
(5) Leave the drapes alone! If I pull them tightly shut, that means I prefer total darkness. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THE SUN. Why do you insist on opening the drapes every time? If I closed them previously, it’s for a reason.
(6) Don’t touch the thermostat! Hands off! I have it set on 68 for a reason. I want it cool. I want it cold enough to hang meat. Like a refrigerator if I can get it that way. It frosts my ass to return to my hotel room at 4 am and see the thermostat set at 76 degrees and the place feels like a fucking oven. I’m the guest. Not you. I get to select the temperature. Not you. If you don’t like it, then put on a sweater when you clean my room.
(7) When I leave a note for you requesting extra towels, it means I want MORE TOWELS. Why is this always so difficult to understand? And if you only speak Spanish, then the first word in the English language you need to learn is “T-O-W-E-L-S.”
(8) If I have wild animals inside my room — like birds mostly — leave them alone! Work around my animals when you are cleaning.
(9) If you see my wet clothes hanging up in the bathtub and left out to dry, don’t touch them. I’m not paying your overpriced dry cleaners $6.50 for one shirt when I can stomp it clean while taking a shower and then air dry it for free.
(10) If you do your job property and allow me to get a full night’s rest, you will get tipped a couple of bucks. If you ever ignore the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door — and this happens all the time — you will get stiffed.
With this, I bid you all goodnight. At least until 7:15 am tomorrow morning.