My NFL “Fuck It” Specials
WARNING: FOR ADULTS ONLY
Here I am working my ass off giving the public free gold, and then these bullshit games don’t turn out as they’re supposed to.
Total horseshit! It’s so wrong.
Consider two games played last week. Chalk up a $4,200 swing and losing my lunch to the inexplicable forces of the universe.
Recall that I touted the “UNDER 45” in the Philadelphia-Oakland game. That should have been an absolute cakewalk. Like minting fucking money. Hell, I already went out and spent what I was supposed to win from that game.
So instead of winning and cashing, what really happened? Those two piss ant offenses ended up combing to score 69 points! There is no fucking way Philadelphia and Oakland were supposed to score anything like that. I mean, you show me some kind of evidence where you could see Philadelphia showing up for a road game and putting up SEVEN FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS.
SHOW ME! I WANT TO SEE THE EVIDENCE! SHOW ME!
Some cretin I’ve never even heard of who went to junior college or something dragged his injured ass off the Eagles bench and tossed SEVEN TOUCHDOWN PASSES. Seven touchdowns! That tied an NFL record that goes back to like when William Fucking Taft was President!
Seven touchdown passes in a single game! Johnny Unitas never did that. Never even came close to tossing seven cores. Joe Montana never did that. Not once. That’s three more touchdown passes than Roger Staubach ever threw in a football game. What next? Nick Foles in the Pro Football Hall of Fame?
What was his name again? That’s right — Nick Foles. There’s a future fucking trivia question.
My spinning head fucking aches. The exact same team, the same offense, the same coach that couldn’t score a single point the previous week against the miserable Giants, and who got skunked by twenty points (their only score came on defense) seven days earlier, and when I bet on the little bitches to continue NOT SCORING, they suddenly turn into the 1952 Los Angeles Rams and turn the fucking Oakland Colosseum into a track meet.
And of course, I have the UNDER for my biggest bet of the season. Fucking ass hats.
But hey, what comes around goes around, right? If Nick Foles can trot off the bench and ram-rod seven touchdowns up my ass to bust my UNDER in the middle of the third quarter, then I’d surely get a payback break in the Green Bay Packers game, right?
The Packers. My bailout game. All they’ve done is jaggernaut over the NFL the last month. Recall that even with the horrible ass fucking I took on the Eagles game, I could still salvage a winning week (5-3) and turn about $1,200 in profit had the Packers simply decided to show up and play, you know, like A PRO FOOTBALL TEAM. The opposing Bears came into the came limping out of a hospital ward. It looked so easy. Of course, the Bears second-stringers threw the fucking Packers around the field like rag dolls.
Of course, I took a horrible break with my wager on the very first series when Aaron Rodgers turned into an anteater with his face in the grass and busted his shoulder bone. Great. I lose my MVP quarterback for the rest of the game.
No problem, right?
To the rescue! The backup surely must have done his homework. He’s started a few NFL games in the past. All the little bitch does with himself all season is stand there on the field with clipboard in his hand. You’d think that stepping into one of the NFL’s best offenses should be a piece of cake. Hell, I could step in there on that field and at least produce a few fucking scores.
The Packers churn out the second-stringer, something called “Seneca Wallace.” Think arena football league, here. Imagine if Jamarcus Russell and Cleo Lemon had a lovechild. That’s Seneca Wallace.
Wouldn’t you think if Nicky Foles could step into the Eagles offense on basically no practice with the first unit, an offense that has produced like two touchdowns in its last three games, and then pump out SEVEN TOUCHDOWN PASSES, I should at least get some kind of production from Mr. Wallace, right?
Of course, Wallace comes into the game and can’t find the fucking field. You’d think he was the quarterback for Army. Funny me. I thought quarterbacks were supposed to be able to throw a FORWARD PASS.
Wallace, in a miserable effort at home, posted 114 passing yards. That’s sort of like walking into a strip club with a stack of $20 bills and only getting two lap dances.
So in the end, I get porked for four fucking dimes because one quarterback (the one I bet against) lights up the scoreboard like a Christmas tree, and the other (the one I bet on) can’t even make a first down.
All this bullshit last week not only put me on total tilt. It now calls for a bold decision. It’s time to just say “fuck it” and throw up a Hail Mary.
Here it goes.
This week, I’m betting $2,200 to win $2,000 on the DETROIT LIONS as a “pick em” versus the CHICAGO BEARS. I’m not going to spend all night writing this one up for you and listing all my reasons. You know you can take my pick the bank, if only the players do their fucking jobs and things go as the way I expect.
So, that’s it. One play. Detroit. That’s my “fuck it” special and BEST BET for the week.
Thank me later, people. And don’t blame me if it doesn’t turn out that way it should. I can’t control what happens on the fucking field!
NOLAN DALLA: 2013 NFL SEASON RECORD
57 WINS — 49 LOSSES — 3 PUSHES
LAST WEEK – 4 WINS — 4 LOSSES
STARTING BANKROLL: $10,000.
CURRENT BANKROLL: $6,885.
NET GAIN/LOSS: minus $3,115.
BEST BETS: 7–13–1
THIS WEEK’S PLAYS:
Detroit (Even Money) vs. Chicago (-110) — $2,200 to win $2,000 <BEST BET>
LAST WEEK’S RESULTS:
FIRST HALF TEAM TOTAL: Atlanta Falcons OVER 9 (-130) — $650 to win $500 WON
FIRST HALF LINE: Atlanta +5.5 (-110) — $440 to win $400 WON
FIRST HALF TEAM TOTAL: Minnesota Vikings OVER 9 (-115) — $690 to win $600 WON
GAME TOTAL: Philadelphia / Oakland UNDER 45 (-110) — $1100 to win $1000 <BEST BET> LOST
MONEYLINE BET: New England to Win Game (-295) — $1485 to win $500 WON
TEASER: New England -.5 / Green Bay -5 (-110) — $1100 to win $1000 <BEST BET> LOST
FIRST QUARTER TOTAL: Minnesota / Dallas OVER 9.5 (-125) — $500 to win $400 LOST
FIRST QUARTER TOTAL: San Diego / Washington OVER 9.5 (-130) — $650 to win $500 LOST
PENDING NFL FUTURES WAGERS
DALLAS COWBOYS UNDER 8.5 WINS (-125) —– Wagering $750 to win $600
NEW YORK GIANTS OVER 9 WINS (-105) —– Wagering $1,050 to win $1,000
GREEN BAY PACKERS UNDER 10.5 WINS (-115) —– Wagering $575 to win $500
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS UNDER 7.5 WINS (+105) *BEST BET* —– Wagering $1,500 to win $1,575
NEW ORLEANS OVER 9 WINS (-165) —– Wagering $1,650 to win $1,000
ST. LOUIS RAMS OVER 7.5 WINS (-110) —– Wagering $440 to win $400
BALTIMORE RAVENS OVER 8.5 WINS (-110) —– Wagering $1,100 to win $1,000
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS OVER 8.5 WINS (-110) —– Wagering $880 to win $800
OAKLAND RAIDERS UNDER 5.5 (-180) — Wagering $1,800 to win $1,000
NOLAN DALLA: 2012 FINAL NFL SEASON RECORD
98 WINS – 87 LOSSES – 6 PUSHES —– (+ 34.6 units / 1 unit = $100)
STARTING BANKROLL: $10,000.
ENDING BANKROLL: $13,460.
NET GAIN: +$3,460
BEST BETS OF THE WEEK: 14-7-0