New rules:
1. Starting Sept. 8, DO NOT under any circumstances attempt to reach me on Thursdays, Sundays, or Mondays. Starting early December, add Saturdays to this list. Tuesdays are usually bad, too since I’m recovering from the previous week. Wednesdays and Fridays are iffy also because I’m carefully watching line movements. If you do try to phone me on one of these days, I WILL NOT answer.
2. Should you absolutely need to communicate with me, send ANY and ALL correspondence to me by e-mail. Expect at least 72 hours for me to reply, that is, *if* I chose to answer. You may take a shot by sending me a text, but SETI probably has a better chance of getting a response.
3. I have NO money to lend out. Zero. Zippo. Nada. My cash flow will be tied up for at least five months. Understood? Comprende? Think of it this way–you wouldn’t ask a plumber to borrow his tools, so don’t ask me for money. This goes for friends, family, ex-friends, ex-family, and especially creditors. Let’s reconnect after the next Super Bowl, shall we? [oh wait–come to think of it, after the Super Bowl is bad timing too since it’s the middle of basketball and hockey season].
4. I have ZERO interest in Fantasy Sports. Don’t ask me which wide receiver on the Falcons to pick in your fantasy draft. I don’t know. I don’t care.
5. Don’t ask me about my favorite team or who I think will win the Super Bowl. Here’s my stock answer 100 percent of the time: My “favorite team” is whatever team I’m betting on that week. More than likely, I’m betting a total, so I’m cheering for both teams. And, I don’t give a rat’s ass who wins the Super Bowl unless I’m betting that team on the moneyline. Oh, I do hate the Dallas Cowboys. If I’m wagering on the Cowboys, it probably means it’s a smart bet because it takes extra juice for me to cheer for Dallas.
6. I refuse to watch any NFL game out in public. Sportsbooks on any given Sunday are a living hell. Cesspools of misery. Keep $20 bettors and hot dog eaters and Bud Light sloggers as-far-away-from-me-as-possible. The only exception to my watching NFL in public ban is for Monday Night Football, because what remaining friends I still have will gather someplace here in Las Vegas, but then I usually leave at halftime.
7. Speaking of halftime, that’s precious real estate to me. That might be the very worst time to try and contact me. Consider Sundays from 11:30-noon and 2:30-3:00 pm PST to be total blackouts. I have only a tiny window to get down on my halftime bets. Don’t distract me! Scram!
8. The ONLY valid reasons to EVER interrupt me include the following in order of importance: (a) lunch or dinner is served. (b) a fresh bottle of wine is uncorked. (c) one of the pets is sick. (d) death in the family. Nothing else. No exceptions.
9. If you hear screaming from inside my house, and there are weeks when I do lots of screaming, do not call the cops. No one is injured. We’re safe. I promise. It just means a really bad day in football betting.
10. Thank you for following my rules for football season. Talk to you next February (maybe).
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