Nolan Dalla

My Dinner Table Seating Requirements (With Seating Charts)

Nolan Dalla

 

 

Terrified of being stuck in a bad dinner with boring guests? 

Take a lesson from me.

 

Pay attention, people.  Otherwise, you’ll be left out.  You won’t get invited to dinner.

Over the next few months, I shall frequently be dining in mixed company.

What’s “mixed company,” you ask?

This means company which varies widely, from A-Listers (the most ideal dinner companions) down to lowly D-listers (who should both be muzzled and minimized).  Note that certain classes of people are banned outright.  The banned class shalt not enjoy the luxury of joining me under any circumstances.

To ensure harmony and fluidity throughout the dining room as well as in spirit a congenial atmosphere at my dinner table, the following seating arrangements shall strictly be enforced.  You are hereby advised as follows:

 

 

TABLE FOR 2 (see figure 1):   If you are lucky, “A” is you.  This comes as a rare treat and a unique privilege for anyone.  An intimate dinner with yours truly.  Note that I do have certain demands.  First, you must be sitting ACROSS from me (not next to me).  This is to protect you while I use my hands when telling interesting stories or I flail my arms desperately trying to get the waiter’s attention.  Second, I must be seated FACING the front door at all times.  This way, I can observe who comes and who goes.  Moreover, if your presence begins to bore me and someone enters and commands my attention, I can bolt from my seat to scout for a more ideal dinner companion.  A-Listers are the only privileged group permitted to dine with me one-on-one.  That is, unless one of the following conditions is met:  (1)  a B-Lister is paying, or (2) a C-lister is paying and orders fine wine ($100/bottle+).  A-Listers include the following people —

 

 

TABLE FOR 3 (see figure 2):  See rules above which apply.  Once again, I should be assigned to the prime seat at the table.  This means NOT seating me in the middle where I have to turn my head back and forth to parse my guests like I’m eating a tennis match.  No, I must have a seat on one of the ends so as not to tax my neck muscles.  Acceptable guests in my party of three include both A and B-Listers, with no minimum nor maximum requirements.  B-Listers include the following people —

 

 

TABLE FOR 4 (see figure 3):  Note that the A and B Listers play an important function as the size of the party grows in size, which is the role of “blocker.”  For instance, at dinner parties, “blockers” become absolutely essential.  This is not to be confused with “buffers,” who keep the conversation flowing at least until something better comes along.  Acceptable guests in my party of four include A and B Listers, plus a C-Lister (one maximum!).  However, A and B Listers should dominate virtually all of the table conversation.  The C-Lister should realize the privileged state he is in, and then keep quiet.  Keep dialogue to a minimum with the C-Listers.  Should a C-lister exceed his verbal quota, first ignore, then issue a warning, and finally remove from the table if necessary.  C-Listers include the following people —

 

 

TABLE FOR 5-6 (see figure 4):  With larger parties come a potential danger zone.  Since it’s rare to find 5+ A-Listers within a single dinner party (the demands for our presence are excruciating), this almost guarantees a mix of lower quality.  Sort of like making wine and using a few spoiled grapes.  The bigger the batch, the greater chance a few slip in.  Hence, the dreaded D-listers must be handled with extreme caution.  First, it’s essential I be seated only beside A and B Listers, with those of a lower rank at least one seat away — otherwise I will fabricate some excuse to leave.  D-Listers are to be blocked and should rarely have access to engaging me in direct conversation, that is unless they are laughing at my jokes and/or are otherwise amusing me in the least possible annoying fashion.  Acceptable guests in my party of five or six include A and B Listers, plus C-listers (maximum two), plus a D-lister (maximum one!).  D-Listers include the following people —

 

 

TABLE FOR 7 or more (see figure 5):  See rules above which apply.  D-Listers are to be kept at the greatest possible distance.  Moreover, I must be seated next to the host or within audio-visual proximity to the most interesting person in the party (other than myself, of course).

 

 

BANNED! (see figure 6):  The following classes of people are banned from my dinner table.  However these classes may approach me, stand, and attempt to shake my hand, but no further contact is permitted.  This includes —

 

Send all dinner requests to nolandalla@aol.com.

Note that requests must be forwarded at least 48 hours in advance.  List number in party and headcount of A-D listers who will be present.  All the above is subject to being waived for an appearance fee, which is negotiable.

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