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Posted by on May 25, 2014 in Blog, Personal, Restaurant Reviews | 5 comments

My Dinner Table Seating Requirements (With Seating Charts)

 

dining-table

 

Terrified of being stuck in a bad dinner with boring guests? 

Take a lesson from me.

 

Pay attention, people.  Otherwise, you’ll be left out.  You won’t get invited to dinner.

Over the next few months, I shall frequently be dining in mixed company.

What’s “mixed company,” you ask?

This means company which varies widely, from A-Listers (the most ideal dinner companions) down to lowly D-listers (who should both be muzzled and minimized).  Note that certain classes of people are banned outright.  The banned class shalt not enjoy the luxury of joining me under any circumstances.

To ensure harmony and fluidity throughout the dining room as well as in spirit a congenial atmosphere at my dinner table, the following seating arrangements shall strictly be enforced.  You are hereby advised as follows:

 

IMAG0359 (315x600)

 

TABLE FOR 2 (see figure 1):   If you are lucky, “A” is you.  This comes as a rare treat and a unique privilege for anyone.  An intimate dinner with yours truly.  Note that I do have certain demands.  First, you must be sitting ACROSS from me (not next to me).  This is to protect you while I use my hands when telling interesting stories or I flail my arms desperately trying to get the waiter’s attention.  Second, I must be seated FACING the front door at all times.  This way, I can observe who comes and who goes.  Moreover, if your presence begins to bore me and someone enters and commands my attention, I can bolt from my seat to scout for a more ideal dinner companion.  A-Listers are the only privileged group permitted to dine with me one-on-one.  That is, unless one of the following conditions is met:  (1)  a B-Lister is paying, or (2) a C-lister is paying and orders fine wine ($100/bottle+).  A-Listers include the following people —

  • published writers and authors
  • successful artists
  • working musicians (except metalheads)
  • prospective employers
  • casino executives (ranked higher than me)
  • International travelers (three continents within the last year — minimum)
  • former prisoners of war
  • college professors (of liberal arts and social sciences)
  • magicians/illusionists
  • rock n’ roll groupies (with decadent stories)
  • close friends/some family (must be screened first)
  • Gavin Smith (0-4 drinks)
  • Van Morrison enthusiasts
  • gossipers (with juicy new material)
  • nymphomaniacs (7-10 on a 10 scale)

 

IMAG0360 (325x600)

 

TABLE FOR 3 (see figure 2):  See rules above which apply.  Once again, I should be assigned to the prime seat at the table.  This means NOT seating me in the middle where I have to turn my head back and forth to parse my guests like I’m eating a tennis match.  No, I must have a seat on one of the ends so as not to tax my neck muscles.  Acceptable guests in my party of three include both A and B-Listers, with no minimum nor maximum requirements.  B-Listers include the following people —

  • unpublished writers
  • struggling artists
  • non-working musicians
  • casino executives (ranked the same as me)
  • winning sports gamblers (verification required)
  • college professors (of science)
  • teachers (high school, or higher — no coaches)
  • Gavin Smith (5-8 drinks)
  • gossipers (with moderately-interesting material)
  • nymphomaniacs (4-7 on a 10 scale)

 

IMAG0361 (345x600)

 

TABLE FOR 4 (see figure 3):  Note that the A and B Listers play an important function as the size of the party grows in size, which is the role of “blocker.”  For instance, at dinner parties, “blockers” become absolutely essential.  This is not to be confused with “buffers,” who keep the conversation flowing at least until something better comes along.  Acceptable guests in my party of four include A and B Listers, plus a C-Lister (one maximum!).  However, A and B Listers should dominate virtually all of the table conversation.  The C-Lister should realize the privileged state he is in, and then keep quiet.  Keep dialogue to a minimum with the C-Listers.  Should a C-lister exceed his verbal quota, first ignore, then issue a warning, and finally remove from the table if necessary.  C-Listers include the following people —

  • wives of A and B-Listers
  • children of A and B Listers (ages 9-13 only)
  • casino personnel (ranked beneath me)
  • high-tech nerds who talk about high-tech stuff
  • Gavin Smith (9-11 drinks)
  • Bob Dylan fanatics
  • gossipers (with stale material)
  • nymphomaniacs (1-3 on a 10 scale)

 

IMAG0362 (340x600)

 

TABLE FOR 5-6 (see figure 4):  With larger parties come a potential danger zone.  Since it’s rare to find 5+ A-Listers within a single dinner party (the demands for our presence are excruciating), this almost guarantees a mix of lower quality.  Sort of like making wine and using a few spoiled grapes.  The bigger the batch, the greater chance a few slip in.  Hence, the dreaded D-listers must be handled with extreme caution.  First, it’s essential I be seated only beside A and B Listers, with those of a lower rank at least one seat away — otherwise I will fabricate some excuse to leave.  D-Listers are to be blocked and should rarely have access to engaging me in direct conversation, that is unless they are laughing at my jokes and/or are otherwise amusing me in the least possible annoying fashion.  Acceptable guests in my party of five or six include A and B Listers, plus C-listers (maximum two), plus a D-lister (maximum one!).  D-Listers include the following people —

  • wives of C listers
  • children of A and B-Listers (ages 6-8 and 14-18)
  • people with hearing problems
  • argumentative bullies
  • people who don’t speak English
  • people who text while at the table (2 texts permitted per hour)
  • college professors (of business and math)
  • people who watch Tony Kornheiser
  • people who talk baseball (unless it’s gambling-related)
  • Gavin Smith (12+ drinks)
  • anyone who has attended the Electric Daisy Carnival Festival (and liked it)
  • Titter and Facebook terrorists who post 10+ times a day
  • Note that children of C-Listers are prohibited (don’t rank high enough)

 

IMAG0363 (369x600)

 

TABLE FOR 7 or more (see figure 5):  See rules above which apply.  D-Listers are to be kept at the greatest possible distance.  Moreover, I must be seated next to the host or within audio-visual proximity to the most interesting person in the party (other than myself, of course).

 

IMAG0364 (345x600)

 

BANNED! (see figure 6):  The following classes of people are banned from my dinner table.  However these classes may approach me, stand, and attempt to shake my hand, but no further contact is permitted.  This includes —

  • dope addicts (unless stocked and generous)
  • religious fanatics
  • freeloaders
  • lousy tippers
  • ass jokers
  • hunters and fisherman who talk about hunting and fishing
  • people who watch auto racing
  • Adam Sandler movie fans
  • Mountain Dew drinkers
  • smokers
  • Washington Post columnist Charles Krauthammer
  • slobs who practice poor personal hygiene
  • bad-beat story bores
  • infants (no exceptions!)
  • salespeople (unless paying, then I can fake like I’m interested)
  • deadbeats who want to borrow money
  • poker players looking for financial backing
  • Craig Di Salvo
  • people who talk on cell phones while at the table
  • narcissists (unless ridiculously interesting)

 

Send all dinner requests to nolandalla@aol.com.

Note that requests must be forwarded at least 48 hours in advance.  List number in party and headcount of A-D listers who will be present.  All the above is subject to being waived for an appearance fee, which is negotiable.

5 Comments

  1. Um. “Wives of…” So I guess does that mean you don’t think straight women A/B listers exist or you don’t want to dine with their husbands if they are married?

  2. Brilliant. I’ve had the pleasure of being an A-lister. Highly recommend it for all the lesser people.

  3. Why not sort the dinner seating according to blood type? I’m an A+ in that area.

  4. Mathematics and the natural sciences are liberal arts. We’ll try not to bore you with too many theorems.

  5. I just realized I was a D-lister at your dinner and took the wrong seat. I’m so ashamed. And still full.

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