NFL Picks: Who Wants Free Money?
I told you so.
But hey, you wouldn’t listen. Now, I’m siting here guzzling down a $65 bottle of wine. And I must say — it’s delicious.
What’s that sitting next to your desk? A lite beer? You poor little thing. Here, have a sip of my Gevrey Chambertin. It’s on me. I’ve got a case sitting in my garage.
Let me refresh your memory. Go back and read the comments section here last week and over on Facebook. Last week, every clown in the universe was on the Chicago Bears, which made me put my money square on the Detroit Lions. All I heard from you was chump talk. Yap. Yap. Yap. Now, do me a favor. Take a look at the scoreboard. Let me refresh your memory:
Final Score: Detroit 21 Chicago 19
That’s the sound of your money flushing down the toilet for not listening to me. And the game really wasn’t even that close. The Bears got lucky to score in the final minute. While the rest of you were swallowing your lungs and spewing profanities at the television, I was busy stacking my money.
Here’s the oddest thing. People think I’m having a lousy year. Maybe so. But I’m still NINE FREAKING GAMES over .500. Nine games! Most football bettors would bust off a nut to to be where I’m sitting right now. Then again, my standards of excellence are considerably higher than everyone else’s. Mediocrity is the ceiling for the rest of the world. It’s the floor for me. Mediocrity is where I wipe my shoes.
Honestly, if it weren’t for the vig, I’d be driving a new Cadillac right now — and I’d be filling it up with premium rather than the shit gas. Speaking of cars, don’t ask me to make your car payment. I dished out a lock for you last week. But apparently no one in the universe listened.
Sigh. People. People. People.
Tell you what. I’m going to give you all another shot. Why you ask?
Because I’m a nice guy. I believe in charity. If you’re struggling to make ends meet, you might want to sit down, grab a pencil, and pay attention. I’m here to help.
The week, I’m all over the New York Football Jets. They are laying -1 at Buffalo.
Usually, laying points in divisional road games is poison. But here’s a situation where one team is getting much healthier and playing with confidence, versus an opponent that is now starting to slide and looks like they’ve mailed the season in. Moreover, Buffalo is burdened with injuries. Jets also step down in class for this game, after playing a ball busting string of games versus New England, Cincinnati, and New Orleans (they went 2-1). Buffalo has lost three straight and 5 of their last 6 games. Now in the playoff hunt, I don’t see Jets taking this game lightly. I also like the Jets picking up Ed Reed on defense this week (Reed played for Ryan when he was DC in Baltimore). Jets also get back two receivers this week, Holmes and Winslow. By contrast, two Buffalo wideouts will not play, including the team’s leading receiver, Stevie Johnson. Laying -1 seems a reasonable number. Pound it and thank me later.
WAGER: NEW YORK JETS -1 (-110) — LAYING $2,200 TO WIN $2,000 <<<BEST BET>>>
As for my plans on Sunday, I expect to be sunning myself out in the back yard by the middle of the third quarter. Pretty nice spot to be in when you can shut off the ball game with an hour still to go and instead be fantasizing about how to spend free money that week. Meanwhile, the rest of you go ahead and ignore my advice and scream at the TV. Enjoy that lite beer! I’ll expect to be cracking open my fourth bottle of Gevrey Chambertin this week.
Oh, and if by chance any of you haters out there are fading these picks, you may want to quit standing on the railtracks and jump on the train. This cho-cho doesn’t make stops of take detours. My express train is headed straight for the bank. And I’ve got a first-class reservation.
Oh, and one more thing. Everyone’s been busting my balls all season long for betting Jacksonville and St. Louis. Am I right? Here, let me grab a spatula to get the egg off your faces. You poor things. I ended up betting both of those pigs last week, and by noon, I was fanning myself in the sun with $100 bills. Of course, I didn’t post the picks here, but I did pick up a nice little bonus last week fading the whole world. I could say more about this subject. But hey, I don’t want to brag.
Stop ordering cheap lite domestic beer that’s on sale. You’re embarrassing yourself, and frankly I don’t want to be seen in that company. I’m here pouring fine wine that only gets better with age. Back up the truck, because it’s load up time! Next stop, the bank to make a big fat deposit!
Disclaimer: If the Jets lose, don’t blame me.
NOLAN DALLA: 2013 NFL SEASON RECORD
58 WINS — 49 LOSSES — 3 PUSHES
LAST WEEK – 1 WINS — 0 LOSSES
STARTING BANKROLL: $10,000.
CURRENT BANKROLL: $8,885.
NET GAIN/LOSS: minus $1,115.
BEST BETS: 8–13–1
THIS WEEK’S PLAYS:
NEW YORK JETS -1 (-110) — LAYING $2,200 TO WIN $2,000
LAST WEEK’S RESULTS:
Detroit (Even Money) vs. Chicago (-110) — $2,200 to win $2,000 <BEST BET> WON
PENDING NFL FUTURES WAGERS
DALLAS COWBOYS UNDER 8.5 WINS (-125) —– Wagering $750 to win $600
NEW YORK GIANTS OVER 9 WINS (-105) —– Wagering $1,050 to win $1,000
GREEN BAY PACKERS UNDER 10.5 WINS (-115) —– Wagering $575 to win $500
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS UNDER 7.5 WINS (+105) *BEST BET* —– Wagering $1,500 to win $1,575
NEW ORLEANS OVER 9 WINS (-165) —– Wagering $1,650 to win $1,000
ST. LOUIS RAMS OVER 7.5 WINS (-110) —– Wagering $440 to win $400
BALTIMORE RAVENS OVER 8.5 WINS (-110) —– Wagering $1,100 to win $1,000
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS OVER 8.5 WINS (-110) —– Wagering $880 to win $800
OAKLAND RAIDERS UNDER 5.5 (-180) — Wagering $1,800 to win $1,000
NOLAN DALLA: 2012 FINAL NFL SEASON RECORD
98 WINS – 87 LOSSES – 6 PUSHES —– (+ 34.6 units / 1 unit = $100)
STARTING BANKROLL: $10,000.
ENDING BANKROLL: $13,460.
NET GAIN: +$3,460
BEST BETS OF THE WEEK: 14-7-0