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Posted by on May 9, 2014 in Blog, Rants and Raves, Restaurant Reviews | 1 comment

Why Do Restaurants Jerk Around with Good Old-Fashioned Cornbread?

 

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Furious!

 

How difficult is it to make cornbread?

Here’s the basic recipe.  Take corn meal mix.  Add in a few eggs.  Pour in some milk.  Mix and then fold into a buttered pan.  Bake for about a half an hour.  And serve.

Done!

Well, yesterday, I was served an absolute abomination.  Something the restaurant labeled “cornbread.”

Here!  Take a look at it!  That isn’t cornbread!  It’s a tasteless crumbling fritter of artificial ingredients, yellow food coloring, and sugar.

SUGAR!  In cornbread!  So sweet, it’s like poundcake.  You could serve this with strawberries it’s so sweet.  What in the hell is SUGAR doing in corn bread?  Doesn’t adding SUGAR to a bread mix basically make it — umm, err, ahh — FUCKING CAKE?

Look at this travesty.  Are you kidding me?  It’s made so poorly, it won’t even hold together on a plate!  It falls apart worse than Sheldon Adelson’s talking points in a political debate.

 

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Shit!

 

Let me tell you people something, right now.

The monstrosity I’m staring at isn’t “cornbread.”  It’s an amalgamation of bleached wheat flour, de-germinated yellow corn meal, sugar, water, and a test tube of unpronounceable chemicals, including something called “aluminum phosphate.”  This slop should be ground up and dumped into a trough for farm animals — poor them.

And another thing.  This isn’t an isolated incident.  Virtually everywhere I dine where the southern delicacy of “cornbread” is served, the kitchen gutters it.  Worse, they obviously have no conscious about what they’re doing.  They’re completely oblivious to the horror they reap upon the world.  Outside the South, no one seems to be able to make what is essentially one of cooking’s easiest recipes.

The photo above — taken at a local Las Vegas restaurant — shows a lifeless, crumbling, undercooked, tasteless accompaniment that belongs inside a bird feeder.

Based on the color and texture, you can practically see the food coloring.  Authentically cooked bread isn’t supposed to look ike that.  It shouldn’t have a uniform color and look like it came out off an assembly line.  And besides, where’s the crusty burn marks?  You know, the brown (sometimes black) rings from where the bread becomes slightly burned?  Where are they!  Find them!  They aren’t there!!! (are three exclamation points enough here?)

People, those burn marks or black rings are what gives the cornbread its taste.  They must be there, or it’s not real.  Simple as that.

I can’t prove this, but trust me.  I cannot let you taste this chalky, Styrofoam-textured, chemically-infused filler.  Not that you would ever want to.  It wouldn’t matter anyway, because the cornbread HAS NO FUCKING TASTE.

 

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Worse shit!

 

Look!

Who made this?

How difficult is it to cook a decent cornbread?

Notice to all restaurants:  QUIT MAKING POUND CAKE!  STOP IT!  STOP IT NOW!

You are degrading one of the great traditions of Southern-style cooking and I’m not going to stand for it!

Learn to do your job, or get out of the kitchen!  Go dig a ditch, or something.  But stop calling your junk cornbread.  It’s not.

Here — this is was REAL cornbread looks like and how it’s prepared:

 

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Cornbread — the right way

 

This concludes my cooking lesson for the day.  Must I have to teach the world about everything?

Add to personal boycott list — MARIE CALLANDER’S.

 

Added Note:  I was going to yank this post, until Doyle Brunson added a comment and gave us his own cornbread recipe.  Now, that’s something to try!

 

Writer’s Note:  This (sub-par) article was written about a year ago, but wasn’t published until now.  I have about 150 (actually 182) unpublished articles stored away at WordPress which I’ll be cleaning out over the next few months.  I’m not sure what to do with them.  Most will probably be trashed.  But some will appear here on my busier days.

 

1 Comment

  1. Try adding a little cheddar cheese, some cut up jalepenos, and a little canned corn and see how u like it!!

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