Free Bad Food! Oh, Joy!

 

 

MY ANTI-VALENTINE’S DAY ANTI-FEAST RANT:
FREE BAD FOOD…OH JOY!

Some time ago, I wrote and posted up a scathing restaurant review. The sad spot of my fury ended up being impossible for me to grade because, while the food was terrible, at least the portions were huge. I mean, ever had amazing service, but the food sucked? Or, vice versa? I feel kinda’ the same way anticipating today’s lunch destination for the partridge and matriarch of the Dalla family — Bucca di Peppo.

Give me my respect. I spent 25 minutes writing this.

To be fair, I wouldn’t label Bucca di Peppo’s food as terrible, so much as bland. Basic. Boring. Blah. Barely bearable. But, at least it’s a bargain. Oh, and I just broke the “B” button on my thesarus link.

Bucca di Peppo bills itself as a “family-style” restaurant destination, a go-to middle-class life raft for birthday parties, cheap company lunches, first-dates, and unsophisticated people with the food taste of a three-legged farm goat. Red checkered tablecloths. Big round bowls with heaping amounts of pasta. Papal paraphernalia plastered on the walls. All the standard Italia-American bastardizations of traditional old-world recipes drowned in buckets of canned tomato sauce that marinated for 18 months inside a distribution warehouse outside of Oklahoma City and then shipped to a kitchen managed by a guy named Jose. This is Italian food for people convinced Dominos is a good pizza. Over-under on how many times the waiters hear “That’s Amore!” by Dean Martin each shift that repeats on the in-house music loop…..7.5 (-130 to the OVER).

Bucca di Peppo is about as authentic Italian as believing 110-pound Giada De Laurentiis cooks her own recipees. I mean, the whole Bucca chain was founded by a Lutheran guy named Phil Roberts, and he’s from Minneapolis. Phil!

Yeah, this is where we’re both headed today. And, oh by the way — it’s Valentine’s Day.

I know what you’re thinking.

The backstory is — we dined at the local Bucca di Peppo a few months ago. That was our first visit there in more than a decade. We didn’t care much for the food, but at the very end of the meal the waiter came over and gave us a “$25 off $50” gift card to use on our next visit. My first reaction was honestly — “oh fuck, now we have to come back again?” I know, I’m a terrible person. I was confused. More like flabbergasted. What did we do to deserve this (an above-average tip perhaps)? Well, the gift card expires Feb. 14, 2025. The clock is ticking and just struck Cinderella time. I want my $25 in free grub!

So, we’re headed there shortly. Free fucking bad food….oh, joy!

This all made me think. At what price or discount would you sacrifice your tastes and principles, and dine at a place you typically would not visit? I guess most of us have our price, because sick capitalism makes us all consumers and we all have our price, though I would not eat most fast food if it was free and I got compensated/constipated. As I said, we all have our biases and food preferences can be as incendiary as religion.

Let me close by being respectful, which is impossible now given how I’ve trashed Bucca di Peppo. For what they do, they do it magnificently. And, the generosity of the waiter (actually management) on the last visit to gift us 50 percent off is enough to make us return. Just because I lost the last time out doesn’t mean I won’t win on this occasion. You never know when the dice heat up at the culinary craps table. I’m overdue for a big win.

Finally, I love Marieta not just because this is remarkably our 35th Valentine’s Day anniversary together and she’s a descendant of the great ancient Romans, but because she’s as sick and as practical and as pragmatic as I am. We ALWAYS celebrate special occasions the day before or the day after. Why pay obscene jack-up prices for bad service and fight crowds? Go the day before, or the day afterward — and “goditi la festa!” That’s the line from the guy in the white suit from Godfather II. Enjoy the festa!

Tomorrow, we’re headed to a real Italian restaurant to celebrate our Valentine’s Day — Maggiano’s Little Italy.