I watched a television show last week. It was about outer space. They showed a bunch of planets and stars. Boring stuff like that.
The show was confusing. Even worse, it made me depressed.
They talked about how gigantic the universe is compared to earth. Like that’s big news or something. Everybody knows that. They talked about the beginning of time up to the present day. It all made me realize that human life is like a milli-second on the galactic timeline. We’re nothing a blip. It kinda’ made me feel like shit. Like I’m nothing.
Well, I refuse to believe I’m nothing but a tiny speck of stardust, and an eyeblink in time. Fuck that. That just doesn’t seem right to me. It’s not fair.
But when they started talking about Saturn, that’s when I completely lost it. I mean the planet, not the car. Come to think of it, I don’t like the car either.
Let me make it clear. I don’t like Saturn. I’ve never liked Saturn. I don’t know what the big deal is about it. I never liked that planet. It’s my second least-favorite planet. The worst? Easy. Uranus.
Seeing this show was about Saturn, I should have flipped the channel watched something more thought-provoking, like American Idol. But instead, I stuck it out, hoping the show would get more positive and make me feel better. It didn’t. They spent like a third of the whole program talking about one of Saturn’s moons. That’s right — a moon!
Who cares about a freaking moon?
Let me tell you something. We already got a moon, okay? And we’ve already been there, and back. Many times. So, why do we need to go messing around with the moon of another planet? Here’s a question: Would you want a strange man landing and feeling his way around inside your moon? Hell no! I’m surprised some angry guy didn’t pull out a shotgun and start blasting away, especially in South Saturn.
Anyway, they said this particular moon is colder than anyone can possibly imagine. The temperature there dipped down to minus 235 degrees. Big deal. That’s nothing. Have you ever been to a Green Bay Packers home game in January?
In some ways, the local scene on that Saturn moon isn’t much different from some parts of the earth. There are lakes on the Saturn moon filled with liquid the color of brown. They’re like acid. Breathing the air would fry your lungs, and make you pass out from noxious fumes. Do you call that a scientific discovery? Sounds to me a lot like East Orange, New Jersey.
So, the guy on TV says there could actually be life on that moon. Most likely, snails, or bacteria, or whatever. Like that’s going to change the fucking universe. Snails! WHO FUCKING CARES!
Let me ask you a serious question — why do we need that? Don’t we have enough snails and bacteria right here on earth? Do we really want to go mess with the snails and bacteria somewhere else and bring it here? Sounds pretty risky to me.
But here’s the part that I just don’t get. We already know Saturn’s up there. We’re aware it’s a shitty place. We even took some pictures of it, and it looks kinda’ interesting from a distance. So, can’t we just admit it was good to visit there once just to say we’ve been, but we sure as hell don’t want to go back there again? You know, just like visiting Disney World.
I hereby declare that I’m totally against making any more trips to Saturn. Not even if Southwest advertises a Super Saver fare and gives me the exit row. I say, if there’s no rain forests to mow down, why bother? If there’s no oil to plunder so we can pump cheap gas, what’s the point? If there’s no Marriott with a complimentary happy hour, why should I care?
But I won’t presume to speak for the rest of you. If you want to waste your time studying Saturn or Uranus, then have at it. Study Saturn until you’re seeing colored rings in your sleep. Oh, wait. Nevermind.
I don’t like Saturn. I don’t like it one bit. I think it’s a very bad planet.