Here are my top five reasons to skip the brazenly atrocious “Top Five,” the new movie written and directed by Chris Rock.
Number one — The movie isn’t funny. That’s a problem when you’re supposedly watching a comedy. Unless the audience around me was laughing into stuffed pillows muffling a collective hysteria, I wasn’t alone sitting amongst a hushed gathering of about 30 disappointed viewers at a Saturday night showing in Las Vegas (Red Rock Theatres, 7:20 pm). Sporadic giggles punctuated a mostly silent crowd that was seemingly bored out of their skulls for 1 hour and 38 minutes of the movie’s 1 hour and 41-minute duration.
Number two — Long stretches of the movie became tedious. From the moment we first meet every farfetched character in the cast, the story becomes utterly predictable. Other characters are mostly props for the star. Rock’s raunchy material plucked from his stand-up act occasionally breaks the monotony. Unfortunately, the funny scenes are way too few and far in-between. Many routines are merely set-ups for Rock, an excuse to deliver a hit and miss monologue about everything from President Obama to Planet of the Apes. Rock is far funnier when ranting onstage.
Number three — The misused talents of several actors and comedians are completely wasted. “Top Five” brings together a brilliant ensemble of amusing character actors who have shined in other film comedies. Some A-List comedians even make cameos. Aside from Cedric the Entertainer playing a pimped-up limo driver, who’s onscreen no more than about ten minutes, everyone else bombs due to a weak script and some obvious improvisation that misfires. The star cameos are even cringe-worthy, obviously performed as a personal favor to Rock. Let’s just say these scenes which are mercifully brief, weren’t exactly career enhancing — save for Adam Sandler who is onscreen for perhaps five minutes. and who’s entertainment value can’t possibly dredge any lower.
Number four — Plot twists are contrived and implausible. Aside from an occasional flashback, the film takes place all within a single day. Within this narrow time frame, Rock supposedly confronts his life-changing epiphany. The story goes something like this. Boy has girl. Boy meets a different girl. Boy decides first girl isn’t right for him. Trouble is, the new girl already has boy. Fortunately, new girl discovers her boy is wrong for her. So, new girl welcomes the advances of the new boy. This contrived “romance” plays out along a parallel storyline where Rock spends the day trying to promote his new (serious) film amongst a parade of media outlets.
Number five — The story tries to be both funny and serious, yet is neither. Too bad instead, Rock didn’t make a serious film about the real misgivings and misconceptions of being a celebrity. That might have yielded some truly unique insights and certainly more wit. There are some occasional flashes of what Rock’s real-life must actually be like, where he can’t even walk down a city street without being accosted with constant catcalls from narcissistic fans and selfie-shooting psychopaths who have all but destroyed humanity. Had Rock pursued this tangent more deeply, he might have created a smart, fresh, unpredictable movie. Instead, the celebrity game plays out as a distraction.
Wait. There’s more. More complaints.
Shot on location, New York City and its streets, cafes, and comedy clubs are the backdrop to just about every scene. Call me overly cynical, but how does Rock and his entourage never seem to run into heavy traffic? Why is the ideal parking spot always available in front of Rock’s favorite hangouts? The breezy manner in which Rock’s shiny new Mercedes and Range Rover maneuver through Manhattan’s nearly empty streets, the set looks and feels more like Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood than a bustling metropolis.
Then, there’s the raunchy humor that is so characteristic of everything Rock performs. While most familiar with Rock’s lewd brand of comedy won’t be shocked by the overtly sexual situations peppered throughout the film, the barrage of obscenities does seem way too excessive at some point. After the 280th “motherfucker” gets uttered somewhere in the script, we’re all way past the point where the expletive carries any shock value. Fucks and various body parts are used constantly as adjectives and adverbs. And Rock’s ceaseless use of “nigga” to describe just about every male figure and “ho” to describe females does seem to get a bit tiring after a while. Sure, there’s a proper place for this kind of vile language, and it can be sporadically hysterical when seasoned delicately into a flavorful mixture of comedic gumbo. But when garlic and cayenne powder become the entire stew, it’s just too much. Every character in the movie spews fuck-bombs like Martin Scorsese on steroids.
“Top Five” doesn’t sell out to the mainstream. The film is heavy with hip-hop references and cultural humor slanted towards urban audiences. Although I’m hardly the target for much of the insider lingo, there’s a certain authenticity here that’s downright chivalrous. Nothing in the film is dumbed down to appeal to the bland tastes of Peoria. In fact, the film’s title stems from the key characters reciting their top five rappers of all time. Naturally, Kanye West, one of the film’s producers gets some love. Unfortunately, that’s not nearly enough to rescue a confused mess of a script with far too many stretches of nothingness.
Apparently, I’m in the minority. For reasons I can’t contemplate, many critics are fawning over “Top Five.” They must have seen a different movie or are on the payroll of Paramount. The film has been called “Chris Rock’s greatest accomplishment yet.” It’s been described as “pulsating of the rhythm of his best stand-up routine.” It’s even been compared to Woody Allen’s masterpiece, “Stardust Memories,” which is utter blasphemy. “Top Five” has about as much in common with “Stardust Memories” as “Gigli” does with “The Wizard of Oz.”
Other than laughing out loud for a few seconds in the two or three rare scenes that actually worked, “Top Five” is a total mess. It’s one of the bottom five most disappointing films of the year.
Chris Rock is way better than this. He’s capable of being far funnier. And inside him, there’s a probably real movie with actual depth waiting to get out. Unfortunately, this isn’t it.
RATING: 1 STAR OUT OF 5 STARS