How difficult is it to park a car?
First, you take the keys. Then, you drive the car into a garage. Next, you park and lock it. Finally, you bring back the keys and hang them up on inside a small kiosk.
Picking up the car is exactly the same, only in reverse. Multiply this procedure hundreds of times daily — $2 to $3 at a time — and pretty soon a Las Vegas valet attendant is making more money per year than a schoolteacher with a Masters Degree.
Simple, right? How tough can this job be?
Some fucking maniac cut me off in traffic today and dammit, I didn’t have a chance to get even.
Not yet, anyway.
So, here’s what I’m going to do.
Here and now, I’m offering a $100 cash reward for anyone who can flip the bird and/or humiliate a local Las Vegas driver. The culprit can be best identified as follows:
Gather around, my children.
Today’s lesson underscores the fine art of executing a proper obscene gesture.
Here and now, you shall learn the most advanced techniques of shooting the middle finger. There will even be a bonus course on the virtuosity of “double-barreling.”
Obscene hand gestures are a basic necessity of modern life, especially while driving. The most common obscene hand gesture is called “flipping the bird” or “shooting the middle finger.” This is to be used indiscriminately as a reactionary tool in demonstrating one’s extreme displeasure, while humiliating the intended target to the greatest extent possible. However, this rule does not apply to Philadelphia, where shooting the middle finger is more common than waving.
“Double-barreling” is to be utilized when the single-finger blast is deemed inadequate, when additional fury is warranted. Note that one must use extreme caution if double-barreling while driving. The deployment of both hands fired simultaneously at an intended target could potentially put automobile passengers in grave danger. Accordingly, this excessive measure must be used only in extreme cases, such as when someone from the offending vehicle has already shot you the single finger, in which case a double dose of degradation becomes not only justified, but absolutely mandatory.
Sometimes I get asked about my favorite World Series of Poker moment. My answer is always the same.
This one. Right now. As in today.
That’s because as much as I revere the past — and no one reveres poker’s history as much as I do, although James McManus could give me a solid run for my money — this is a game where everyone is fixated on two things for the time being. Those two things are the present and the future — as in what’s about to happen today and then what follows over the next six weeks.
Opening day is the cradle of all dreams. Opening day is anticipation of the unknown. Opening day is mutual optimism shared by all. Opening day is the belief that just about anything might and can happen to anyone, given the right circumstances. Indeed, every poker player who crosses the Rio Convention Center threshold today and beyond knows that within his or her grasp the impossible dream is actually possible.
The elephant has left the room. But at least it didn’t leave behind a pile of dung.
Talk of the 2016 Republican National Convention taking place here in Las Vegas was precisely that — talk.
Yap. Yap. Yap.
Yada. Yada. Yada.
Given their penchant for Judeo-Christian inspired fantasy, the notion of GOP delegates making pilgrims of themselves and wandering off into the desert might seem appropriate, at least until one considers the factual prescribed destination, which might as well be the 21st Century’s reincarnation of Sodom and Gomorrah. Yet while Las Vegas remains the capital of so-called vice and sin, it’s also become the ultimate hangout for those who value the actual practice of individual freedom. Which is precisely why this city never stood a fighting chance to host the national convention. Because the party that talks all the time about freedoms really isn’t in favor of those things at all.