Let’s talk about how much smarter my cat is than your baby.
According to science, the average feline has the intellectual capacity of a two-year-old toddler. But I contend the typical house cat is much smarter and far cleaner, and considerably cheaper to raise than a child. Especially if it’s spayed or neutered. The cat, I mean.
Want proof? Let’s compare babies to cats and judge both creatures according to several characteristics.
Here’s my “Cat vs. Baby” scorecard:
(1) EATING — Babies require different kinds of meats, vegetables, and dairy products. Plus, they’re fussy eaters. On top of that, the food must be mashed, strained, or creamed. Talk about demanding! An infant must also be fed several times daily, sometimes every few hours (even when the ballgame is on). Moreover, infants must be spoon-fed by a responsible adult, which takes up loads of valuable time. Even with all the parts in place, the procedure is often quite messy. Ever seen a high chair in a restaurant after the family leaves? It’s disgusting! Babies also require vitamins and other dietary supplements, money which otherwise could go towards booze and gambling. Then, once a baby gets fed, there’s a decent chance it will throw up what’s just been consumed all over your new sofa. The only time I do that is when I bet on the Pittsburgh Steelers. The bottom line — feeding babies is a nightmare. By comparison, cats eat perhaps once or twice per day. Their diets always consist of the same thing — some kind of meat product — either beef, chicken, or fish. A can of cat food costs 89-cents, or 59 cents if you clip coupons. When the cat wants to snack, it helps itself to dry food left out in a small bowel on the kitchen floor. Try doing that with a baby. It doesn’t work. Believe me, I tried once. ADVANTAGE: CAT
(2) CLEANLINESS — Babies relieve themselves multiple times each day, without any warning whatsoever. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just changed the infant into a clean new diaper, the baby doesn’t care. How rude. Such a lack of respect. Raising a baby from scratch transforms you into its slave. You’re reduced to a gladiator, except that no one cheers for you. Your every waking hour becomes devoted to serving involuntary bowel movements. This horrific situation does improve somewhat once babies learn to control themselves around the age of 2 or 3. But they can’t compare to house cats who instinctively know how to use a litter box. Feline bowel movements don’t even begin until they start eating solid food, which is sometimes several weeks after they’re born. Cats even have the decency to cover the mess up themselves before exiting the litter box. That’s what I call “class.” Finally, there’s the bonus option of training your cat to use the neighbor’s yard for its personal needs. You can’t do that with a baby. ADVANTAGE: CAT
(3) VOCALIZATION/SPEECH — Babies cry 24-hours a day. Always while in movies and always on the airplane (especially if I’m on board). They must get kick some sick pleasure out of torturing innocent bystanders. At home, their screams disturb parents desperately trying to sleep, and most of the time they don’t even know what they want. You check on the crying baby and everything’s just fine. So, why in the hell is it crying! A wailing infant is almost impossible to ignore (although I can tune it out pretty good, especially if equipped with an iPod and some strong headphones). Then, once they learn to speak a little, babies don’t say anything intelligent. They don’t communicate anything the least bit thought-provoking. When’s the last time you heard a baby say something that really made you think? Never! Meanwhile, my cat has a one-word vocabulary that can mean at least a dozen different things depending on the time of day, the pitch, and the length of the vowels. A “meow” can mean anything from “welcome home” to “where the fuck have you been — I’m hungry.” My conclusion is that cats express themselves far better and don’t keep us awake crying at night. ADVANTAGE: CAT
(4) SLEEPING — Babies usually sleep 16 hours a day. The cat usually sleeps 16 hours a day. ADVANTAGE: NEITHER (TIE)
(5) BATHING — Babies must be bathed and cleaned several times daily, which always requires an adult. This procedure demands a metal scrub brush, a plastic bucket, a can of Comet, and heavy plastic gloves. Industrial strength Pine-Sol is optional. Goggles and a vapor mask might also be required when creamed spinach is bought at the Dollar Store. Compare this horror with the typical house cat which licks itself constantly and rarely needs any bathing. ADVANTAGE: CAT
(6) CATCHING PREY — Babies are worthless. They don’t catch anything. They won’t eat bugs or mice. Okay, maybe some bugs occasionally if the parents aren’t watching. Meanwhile, my cat is on patrol 24-hours-a-day. It’s like having a security guard and pest control all wrapped up into a 16-pound ball of orange fur. He doesn’t demand a salary or vacation days. He never calls in sick. He even brings me the dead mouse to “show off.” ADVANTAGE: CAT
(7) OBEDIENCE — Babies don’t understand anything, so they never obey commands. When’s the last time you saw a baby take out the garbage or grab a beer out of the fridge? Not happening. Getting them to come when you call is a major cause for celebration. Turn one loose in a shopping mall, and it might end up out on the freeway. By comparison, if I want the cat to come all I need to do is press the can opener and the cat comes bolting down the staircase and into the kitchen. If I yell “no” at the cat, he runs into a closet and hides for hours. Too bad you can’t do that to kids. Well, maybe you can, but you might end up in jail. ADVANTAGE: CAT
(8) EXPENSES — Guess how much it costs to raise a child from birth until age 18? Answer — $245,000. That’s the average cost of food, medical bills, brand-name clothes, toys, video games, cell phones, and whatever else is in vogue for the typical American teenager. In other words — that’s five new Cadillacs, even with the extended warranty and optional gold package. The average hospital birth now costs $10,000. C-section delivery at a so-called “birth center” might cost $20,000. Meanwhile, all the cat needs is a cardboard box and a blanket. Do the math. The mother even disposes of her own umbilical cord. She’s a bargain. ADVANTAGE: CAT
(9) FUTURE PROSPECTS — The expense of providing for grown children doesn’t necessarily end at age 18. Some kids go on to college. Tack on another six-figures for tuition, unless you decide to let the banks shackle them with student loans for the next 20 years. Then after college, the kids might even move back in with you and end up living in the downstairs basement for years. You never have to worry about that with a cat. Come to think of it, the cat doesn’t require being driven to soccer practices nor will it demand expensive dance lessons. The cat never wants to go on the student trip to Europe or spend Spring Break at Daytona Beach. The cat wants to stay right where it is, and sleep most of the time. Moreover, the cat won’t end up as a drug addict or ever get arrested for a DWI. The chances of the female teen and the female cat getting pregnant are about the same. But at least you can “fix” the cat. You can’t “fix” daughters and sons. ADVANTAGE: CAT
(10) DESTRUCTION — Children are destructive. Cats can be destructive, too. But let’s compare. Children outgrow their clothes. Cats shed fur and then grow it back. Children break furniture. Cats scratch furniture. Teenagers throw up after keg parties. Cats throw up hairballs. Children break everything they touch. Cats won’t play with the new $12 toy, even if you beg them. ADVANTAGE: CAT
There you have it. Losers = babies. Winners = cats.
READ: How Your Cat Sees the World
Photo: That’s “Alex,” our 17-year-old tabby adopted from a shelter in Washington, D.C. Today, he lives with us in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to teach him to use the neighbor’s yard yet, but we’re still trying.