Why in the Hell Aren’t You People Ordering the Rainbow Trouts?

You’re all a bunch of bastards.

That’s what you are.

Clueless ignorant bastards!

You obviously don’t have a clue what kind of fish to order at a restaurant.  And because of your blatant ignorance, I am the one who has to suffer from your lack of knowledge about seafood.

On Saturday night, we dined out at Buzio’s.  That’s the seafood restaurant at the Rio in Las Vegas.  Buzio’s is consistently both good and affordable.  I’ve dined at Buzio’s perhaps 200 times within the past ten years.  Yes, that’s — two-hundred.

The primary reason why I eat at Buzio’s so much is — it’s the closest good restaurant to where the World Series of Poker takes place.  It’s within walking distance of the tournament area.  So, when I’m working on the property for nearly 50 days each summer, many of those dinner breaks are spent at Buzio’s, often with close friends and people I haven’t seen in a long while.  Moreover, the dinner break is the highlight of my day.

A few nights ago, I returned to Buzio’s for the first time since July.  It was nice to see the old staff again.  But I was disappointed to see the menu made some changes.  Several entrees have been removed, while others have been added.

No big deal, I thought.  As long as they don’t screw with my favorite entree, damn the rest of the world.

Well, I was in for a shock.  First, there was anger.  Then, tears.  I was stunned to discover that Buzio’s has REMOVED rainbow trouts from the menu!

Can you fucking believe that?

RAINBOW TROUTS!  POOF!  GONE!

Wat’s up with that?  What am I supposed to order instead?  Catfish?  The horror!

Hey, listen up people.  I don’t eat bottom-feeders.  I don’t pay $25 for something an unemployed truck driver can catch off a highway bridge in Mississippi.  And I’m sure as shit not going to order the lobster on my own dime, which costs $70 a whack.  Once, I scarfed down two full lobsters, but that was because it was someone else’s turn to pick up the check.

This devastating development was about as demoralizing as any news I’ve heard all year.  Accordingly, I had to express my opinion to everyone around me, including the other customers who caught wind of my rant.  I told our waiter “Darcy” (like the guy in the “Gone With the Wind” movie) that I was furious they would remove one of the best fish items in the city from the menu.  And you want to know what he told me?  Do you really want to know what Darcy said?  Let me tell you what Darcy said.

Listen to me.  I’m talking here.

Darcy said they took the rainbow trouts off the menu because “IT WASN’T SELLING.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!

Darcy said that.

It was the best thing on the menu!  By far!  And now it’s gone?  Vanished?  What in the hell do people order — hamburgers?  Good grief, people — wake the fuck up!

I’m about to do some serious ass-kicking.  If you pay attention here, you might learn something.  It might improve your health.  It might even save your life.

When someone orders FISH, that often means they’re trying to eat healthily.  They want to eat right.  Good for them.  Sure, I’d love to order gobs of deadly calories and make a pig of myself like most of the rest of you do.  But I have manners and class.  I’d also like to survive past the age of 60 without having to use a walker.

There are some serious health risks with fishes in most restaurants.  Some of the fishes have mercury and other dangerous toxins.  It’s not the fishes’ fault.  They swim in contaminated waters.  So, you might as be eating the poisoned produce right out of Cleveland Bay.  Yes, it’s that bad.

Then, there are the bottom feeders — like catfish.  Let me tell you something.  If you ever order catfish in a seafood restaurant (and you’re sitting at my table), don’t ever count on receiving a dinner invitation from me ever again.  Okay?  You’re embarrassing me.

Oh, and of course, the catfish is still on the menu at Buzio’s.  Fucking catfish!  A bottom feeder that basically survives on sludge.  It’s a pigeon of the sea.

Contrast this with my rainbow trouts, which swim in cold, clean, clear, crystal blue waters.  Healthy eating.  Good for you.  My fish is fucking fresh.  I’ll bet yours is frozen.  And filled with mercury.

Oh, and one more thing:  DON’T TELL ME TO ORDER TILAPIA (however you spell it), BECAUSE TILAPIA IS A FUCKING JOKE!  It’s like the snails of the fishes.  You know how many tilapia have to die to make one decent bite — at least two.  Besides, Talapia has no taste.  I CAN’T STAND TILAPIA!

‘Same with Orange Roughy.  Honestly, when’s the last time you heard someone joyously screams out, “that’s the best orange roughy I’ve ever had?”  Orange roughy is bullshit.

If forced to compromise, I might be able to choke down salmon occasionally (not farm-raised).  Halibut is good too, but it’s always pricey.  So, I usually order that when we’re dividing the check equally and the cost of my dinner won’t matter.  Swordfish is good too, but I have trouble believing they catch that in the wild.  I don’t like eating things that were raised inside a tank.

You disappoint me.  I expected more of you.  So much more.  I thought you people who came to the Rio and could afford to eat at Buzio’s were like me — sophisticated, knowledgeable, and (impossibly demanding).

But no.  You’re the same goddamned jokers who think Olive Garden is a good restaurant.  Yes, you.

You’re the ones who order hamburgers and catfish, which outsells the good stuff like rainbow trout, which now forces people like me to struggle and hunt and peck to find something decent on the menu.

Well, I’m not going to take it!  I’m calling your asses out and taking names.

So let’s get back to what happened on Saturday night.  Darcy the waiter sympathized with me.  He gets it.  He knows what’s right.  He wants to please loyal customers.  So, he went off and got Diane.  She’s the manager at Buzio’s.

Diane really cares.  I like Diane.  Diane came by our table inquiring about how things were going.  Well, this was my big chance.  I had to give Diane a real piece of my mind.  She was very appreciative to hear my opinions.  In fact, after complaining for nearly ten minutes she finally said in frustration, “I really hate to go, but I’ve got to seat some more people and the line is getting really long.”

As I said, I know Diane wanted to hear more about what I thought of the new menu.

Incredibly, Diane later came back to our table.  She informed me that she’ll try and bring back the rainbow trouts this summer, as a “special trial.”  They are going to hold me my own private stock of rainbow trouts.  But she will also keep some rainbow trouts to serve to the common people, too.  Diane obviously doesn’t want to have to deal with me, so she’s flying in fresh rainbow trouts for me during the WSOP.

Well, in that case, I am going to make some demands of those of you who come to Las Vegas every summer.  You know the things that set me off.  So, you better start pleasing me and ordering the rainbow trouts.  Quit with the catfish and tilapia.  Start ordering the rainbow trouts.  That way, if there’s more demand for it, they will put it back on the menu.

Only, don’t mess with my own private stock.  That’s only for me.

READ:  My campaign was too successful — now they are out of trout