Gather around, my children.
Today’s lesson underscores the fine art of executing a proper obscene gesture.
Here and now, you shall learn the most advanced techniques of shooting the middle finger. There will even be a bonus course on the virtuosity of “double-barreling.”
Obscene hand gestures are a basic necessity of modern life, especially while driving. The most common obscene hand gesture is called “flipping the bird” or “shooting the middle finger.” This is to be used indiscriminately as a reactionary tool in demonstrating one’s extreme displeasure while humiliating the intended target to the greatest extent possible. However, this rule does not apply to Philadelphia, where shooting the middle finger is more common than waving.
READ: How a 6-year-old girl shot me the finger
“Double-barreling” is to be utilized when the single-finger blast is deemed inadequate when additional fury is warranted. Note that one must use extreme caution if double-barreling while driving. The deployment of both hands fired simultaneously at an intended target could potentially put automobile passengers in grave danger. Accordingly, this excessive measure must be used only in extreme cases, such as when someone from the offending vehicle has already shot you a single finger, in which case a double dose of degradation becomes not only justified but absolutely mandatory.
So, here it goes…
Last night’s altercation exemplifies the dangers of an obscene gesture — gone array.
I became involved in a face-to-face confrontation with two people in the parking lot at a local restaurant.
The lot was packed. As I was driving up and down, row after row, I unexpectedly hit a dead end. There was nowhere to go, but back. As I was backing up, another vehicle approached me from behind. As I reversed, the driver in the other car began honking madly. I could clearly see the vehicle. But he blasted me with a discharge of annoying sound that was much longer than necessary, by about three full seconds, in my estimation. Note that a one-second horn blast says “hey, watch out, there’s someone behind you.” A four-second horn blast says, “watch where you’re going, asshole!” Anything longer than a three-second horn blast might as well be a declaration of war. Well, that four seconds turned my good mood sour and shot me into a total frenzy.
I don’t remember which he was called first — “motherfucker” or “cocksucker.” Those adjectives are pretty much the interchangeable dander of my angry vocabulary. Unfortunately, that didn’t settle the dispute. Things deteriorated quickly from there.
As I passed the offending vehicle while backing in reverse, the ass joker blasted me again with a long honk. This one lasted about three full seconds. At this point, my profanity became increasingly more creative. Then, I caught a lucky break. I discovered a way to extract the idyllic act of personal revenge.
Just then, I spotted a vacant parking place over on the next row. I quickly raced my vehicle around the jerk and made it into the empty space before the intruder knew he’d missed the open spot.
Fuck him.
Thinking that would end the altercation with an ultimate declaration of victory, I happily exited my car and began walking towards the restaurant. Just then, the other car whirled around a row of cars and began racing towards me. Then to my utter shock, he blasted his horn again, this time holding it much longer.
What a piece of shit! Now, I wasn’t just thinking slurs and insults. I was openly yelling at them. Directly at the vehicle and the driver. That’s when I noticed a passenger sitting in the front seat. Now, I realized it was two against one.
This was clearly a situation that called for some added artillery. Time for the villainous “double-barrel” to come out and be fired at the enemy. Call it the last resort.
The nuclear option.
Anyway…
Before I get to what happened next, let’s quickly examine the basics of crafting an obscene gesture:
- Make sure that your target can clearly see you. There’s no point in going to war unless the shrapnel hits the offender and inflicts the maximum pain. The target must be in visual proximity to the hand gesture.
- If the offending act was particularly unpleasant, gesture forcefully upward with the same arm corresponding to the hand with the extracted middle finger. Be careful not to move the arm too fast or too quick, or else the target might miss seeing the finger and simply surmise you’re signaling for help.
- If the offending act was really, really distasteful, verbal reinforcement may be necessary. As you extend your middle finger, along with the proper arm movement, scream “fuck you” as loudly as possible directly at the target. Verbal reinforcement is not recommended in places known to stock weapons, such as gun shops.
- Make sure you can see the target’s face. You must be in a position to savor the joy of the target’s distress. If you can capture the moment on video to enjoy for repeated amusement later, this is a huge bonus.
- Be aware of innocent bystanders and potential collateral damage. Make certain an unintended target doesn’t misread the obscene gesture wrongly and think it’s for him/her. This could have dire consequences, especially in neighborhoods infested with gangs.
- If really pissed off, use the “snap” method. This means using the other arm to brace below the elbow while gesturing upwards (Credit: AlkantHang offered this gem).
- Double-barrel finger-shooting is a delicate skill and should only be practiced once steps 1-5 have been fully mastered. When double-barreling, extend the middle fingers of both hands to their full extent. Then, fire.
- Double-barrel finger shooting along with arm hooking must be used only in extreme cases, such as when the target has already double-barreled you, or an athlete did something really stupid that cost you a cover in the ballgame. Double barreling is permitted in sports only where athletes are getting paid, such as the NFL, NBA, and college football.
- Exercise caution when double-barreling while driving. Be sure and either set aside your texting device or a cold beer for maximum safety.
- Plan a viable escape route in advance if the situation deteriorates rapidly. If the target is bigger than you and/or produces a firearm, run like hell.
Oops, there’s one more. I almost forgot.
The most important rule of all when using obscene gestures is as follows.
- Make sure the target you’re shooting the finger at doesn’t know you, and you don’t know them.
Wrapping up my story from the restaurant last night, perhaps you see what’s coming. Just as I was double-barreling the idiot driver who honked at me several times and seemed to be coming after me in a parking lot, something really embarrassing happened. As he rolled down his window, I heard a stunning question that left me speechless.
“Is that you, Nolan Dalla?”
Oh, fuck me silly. Sometimes, life just isn’t fair. As it turned out, the target knew me. Even worse, I knew him. Worse still, it was a co-worker. The target of my wrath was Bob Dunning, of the World Series of Poker staff who was out to dinner with a friend. Oh, and guess who he dined with in a large party?
You got it. Moi.
Oh well. Bob, if you happen to be reading this — I hereby give you permission to cut me off in traffic one time. I’ve already used stock ammunition, which means you can offend me once without retribution. Please use the certificate below.
———————- cut along dotted line ——————–
CERTIFICATE
FREE PASS ISSUED TO (BOB DUNNING)
Permission granted to cut me off in traffic
or commit another GRADE ONE offense
— without retribution–
Expiration 12-31-14