“There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all.”
— Muhammed Ali (as told in a discussion with Hunter S. Thompson)
[1] That’s it! Enough is enough! Whoever is financially liable in the Camp Lejuene class-action lawsuit, I’m now cheering for the defendant.
[2] The thing I miss most about old-fashioned telephones was being able to slam down the receiver and hear the bell inside go “bang!” Fuck, I miss that.
[3] To the jerk who let their dog shit in my front yard. Eventually, I’ll find out who you are and where you live. I plan on doing the exact same thing to you. See how you like it. And by the way — I don’t own a dog.
[4] Herschel Walker’s abortion history with women falling out of the woodwork reminds me of the classic scene from I Love Lucy where she’s working at the candy factory.
[5] Did you hear about Herschel Walker’s genetic testing kit regarding his offspring? It’s called “23 (that we know about) and Me.”
[6] Pull out, Herschel! Pull out! (of the GA senate race, I mean)
[7] Whoever thinks banks are smart might want to rethink this. MasterCard just told me they’re increasing my credit line by another $2,000 in the middle of football season.
[8] There are 2 kinds of people in this world — people who are good at math, people who are bad at math, and people who really, really suck at math.
[9] An Irrefutable Law of the Universe: The more money you spend on the cat’s food or toys, the less like he is to pay attention to it.
[10] Drinking sometimes makes me forget what I wanted to say, which is probably why lots of people want to buy me drinks.
[11] Crackpot congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene is reportedly on Donald Trump’s “short list” of VP running mates in 2024 (assuming he runs), which practically guarantees that he’ll never be impeached again by the Democrats.
[12] My wife keeps telling me I never listen. She complains about lots of other stuff too, but I forgot exactly what.
[13] Does anyone besides me find that ugly guy in the brown suit in the late-night colon-cleanse infomercial to be a potentially fascinating “how did you get here?” conversation?
[14] If Jerry Falwell is in heaven for being a Christian and George Carlin in hell for being an atheist, I sure know what party I’m hoping to get invited to.
[15] True story: Right now, I have 16,349 messages in my gmail inbox. If one of those emails just so happens to be from you, well, you’re pretty much fucked.
[16] My Serenity Prayer goes like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to….oh, fuck it, God. Just give me cash. Plenty of cash.
[17] I see Elton John is in the middle of his “Farewell Tour.” Question: Is this Farewell Tour #4 or Farewell Tour #5? I’ve lost count.
[18] I wonder if people in Tahiti go ballistic that there’s a pizza underneath their pineapples and then get all pissed off about it.
[19] So, all the Republicans predicted the stock market would tank under President Biden. Now, suddenly, they’re all pissed that it tanked. Gee, why didn’t they just take out their money after Biden took office? Morons.
[20] I don’t like dolls. Especially talking dolls. Talking dolls creep me out.
[21] All of the sudden, I stopped getting unsolicited Facebook messages from pretty naked girls in Ukraine who want to get to know me better. Gee, was it something I said?
[22] For centuries, why does Russia always seem to have a leader who’s an asshole? Geez, you’d think they’d get at least one regular guy after all these years.
[23] Can you even imagine the greatness of what the Rolling Stones might have done if Mick Taylor hadn’t left the group after 1974?
[24] I used to think working as a sewer repairman was probably the worst job in the entire world. Then, I spent 30 minutes on the phone yesterday with someone who works in medical billing. I now stand corrected.
[25] Okay, so now that’s 1,893 weeks in a row that I’ve never heard of the artist or the song at the top of the Billboard Hot 100.
[26] Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa is running for re-election this year. He’s fucking 89!
[27] The label on this bag of cookies says it contains four servings. They lied.
[28] Republicans promise they’ll undo EVERYTHING President Biden has done. Does this mean they’re reversing his infrastructure bill? I’d sure like to know this before I drive over a crumbling, rusted-out 117-year-old bridge.
[29] Some people really, really, really suck at math. See #9.
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