I Hereby Volunteeer to Play Quarterback for Army
How’s it possible there are more than half a million enlisted men serving in the United States Army right now, and yet not a single one of them can throw a froward pass?
I figure the troops go through basic training, right? Don’t they learn how to pitch hand grenades? How much more difficult can it be to toss a football?
Army has consistently had the worst quarterbacking in college football for 70 years. Go ahead — try and name a single Army quarterback. And don’t say Roger Staubach – because he played for Navy.
Believe it or not, there was actually a time when Army fielded some great football teams. They even won the national championship three times. So what in the hell happened? Shouldn’t the people in the Army be tougher than everyone else? Shouldn’t they be kicking ass and taking names? Who is tougher than a bad ass who carries a 100-pound backpack 20 miles during boot camp? And that goes for the starters as well as the reserves. Let’s see someone from USC do that.
Right now, I’m looking at the statistics of yet another dismal display of Army quarterbacking. The 2013 team has used a rotation of two quarterbacks. Their combined statistics this season includes a grand total 11 completions on 27 attempts, and that’s in two games! Translated, this means Army quarterbacks are completing about 5.5 passes a game, slightly more than one per quarter. That’s horrific! And it’s been this way for as long as I remember.
Right now, Army is playing its third game of the year. Through the end of the first half, Army has three total completions for a total of 18 yards. That should be one drive of a normal college football team.
Out of 565,000 enlisted men, this is the absolute best they can do?
Well, I’ve made my decision. I am willing to make a sacrifice for my country. And so – I hereby offer my services to quarterback the Army football team. All I ask for is a week of practice before my first game and round-trip transportation to and from West Point.
Yes, I am serious.
I guar-an-fucking-tee you I could throw for more than 18 yards in a half of football, and that’s against anybody. Even Alabama. I might get my neck broken, but there’s no way anyone in reasonably good shape who has an IQ over 100 and has the arm strength to toss a football can’t generate more than 18 pathetic yards of passing offense. Hell, that’s the distance from here to my refrigerator door.
That’s the deal. Let me be the Army starting quarterback. I’ll even give up drinking and gambling the rest of the season. I promise you I could do better than the linguini-armed losers who are currently taking snaps for the Black Knights.
I’ll even do my best to cover the pointspread.