Tasty barbecue shouldn’t be slathered beneath a pool of barbecue sauce. That is, unless it’s a tasty sauce.
When the barbecue sauce is shitty, wanna’ know what happens? The barbecue turns shitty, too — that’s what happens.
When you slather shitty barbecue sauce atop barbecue of undetermined quality, we’ll never discover if the barbecue was any good or not. That’s because it’s slathered beneath a puddle of shitty barbecue sauce, turning the whole fucking plate into an unsolved mystery.
One would expect Bakersfield to be a terrific barbecue town. The city’s outskirts are ringed with giant cattle farms in California’s Central Valley. Cattle roam in green fields eating their way a bite of grass at a time to warm waiting plates of carnivores who are passionate about their barbecue. If those poor beasts only knew of the horror that eventually awaits them, to be humiliated beneath a slathering of shitty barbecue sauce, they’d probably chose something different. Then again, they can’t make choices for themselves. Because, after all, they’re cows and besides — there’s no such thing as free will.
I’m a butter fanatic. Call it a fetish. I know. I’m freaky.
When I die, in lieu of cremation followed by scattering my ashes off a cliff somewhere — instead, baste me in melted butter. Then, deep fry me like a beignet until golden crisp and deep brown. Next sprinkle me with gobs of powdered sugar. Finally, toss me off a cliff. That way a hungry seagull can clutch, swallow and ultimately shit the last final vestiges of my earthy existence. At least my life will have had some meaning.
The great chef and culinary icon Julia Child also had a thing for butter. It was an obsession, really. She didn’t take any short-cuts inside her kitchen, which became an extension of our own homes. Child’s recipes made their way into our dining rooms and transformed how we looked upon food, not simply as a bodily requirement but as an experience. Accordingly, she didn’t resort to cooking with cheap imitations, nor resort of the use artificial ingredients. Convenience, my ass. Fuck that. Julia Child never used “low-calorie” this, nor “lite” that. Ever. And so according to that most hallowed of gospels, there was nor is no replacement for butter. Authenticity has no substitute. As they say, you can’t fake sincerity.
I know. I shouldn’t have used Craig’s List.Been burned before.
But the asking price of the MacBook Pro supposedly in “like new condition” reduced down to just $600 under the bold headline “Must Sell Today” in the computers section appeared to be a bargain. In good shape, MacBook Pros usually fetch around $1,000. Brand new, they can run a couple of grand — which I don’t have laying around right now since it’s near the end of football season. Playoffs are coming up and money is my tool.
If and when the chronicle of capitalism’s decline and ultimate demise gets written, the ideal starting point as to why the fall happened would be today’s grotesque gargoyle of greed — better known as “Black Friday.”
Nothing so acutely illustrates the twisted paradox of our collective values than humbly folding out hands together, bowing our heads, and giving thanks for the blessings we have on one day….and the very next morning (or increasingly, later that same night!) storming out of the house and diving hysterically, clutching credit card in hand, into the national mosh pit of bargain-hunting mass madness. The hypocrisy goes beyond epidemic.
Now, with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve right around the corner, it occurred to me that most of my dedicated readers and followers might not be aware of my rigorous holiday protocols. Should you invite me to grace your merry occasion make it truly special for you and your guests, that means certain qualifications must be met. Note that depending on how important you are, and the prospects that you can either help me financially or with my career, some of these conditions may be flexible. However, the rest of you will be required to meet my demands in full and without question, or risk me blowing you off. Should you wish for me attend, adding significantly to the chances of your holiday gathering being successful, listen up and take careful notes.
Here are my ten demands for attending public holiday festivities: