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Posted by on Sep 23, 2014 in Blog, Personal, Rants and Raves, Travel | 2 comments

A Rent-a-Car Rant

 

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Few common annoyances are more irritating than waiting in a long line.

Except for one thing.

 

And that’s needlessly waiting in a long line while witnessing precious time being wasted on an inane conversation.

Consider the gasket-blowing exasperation I experienced yesterday at a local Fox Rent-a-Car counter.

What was I thinking?  I must have been out of my mind to make an online rental reservation with a company called “Fox.”  The thing was, their dinky little compact car was $6 cheaper per day.  Plus, the sweltering bus ride from the airport was only an additional three miles from the main building where all the real car rental agencies were based.  As the saying goes, you get what you pay for.

One glance at the rental office, and I knew instantly that the wrong decision had been made.  The line was backed up all the way to Albuquerque.  Three bored-out-of-their-skulls rental agents who each looked to be about 22-years-old worked so slowly, they seemed to be operating in reverse.

Me (thinking to myself):  Man, I’m fucked.

I just don’t get it.  Where did all these cheap bastards come from?  I guess they wanted to save $6 bucks a day.

When you’re standing in a line, five minutes seems like ten, and ten like twenty.  Twenty minutes seems like an hour.  And just about anything that happens around your temporary encampment turns into a major irritation.  I waited 30 minutes (translation:  15 minutes).  That’s a long time when you’re forced to stand and the only television in the entire room is tuned to Fox News.  As I said, I waited 45 minutes.

But what really busts my balls is standing in a long line and overhearing people at the counter needlessly wasting time — especially mine.  Try listening sometimes to the ridiculous questions asked by customers.  Why does every gasbag who gets to the counter in front of me feel compelled to tell his life story to a complete stranger?  Then, in turn, the agent has to tell his life story.  It’s the rental car center’s, Oprah Winfrey Show.  Only it plays 24/7.

Me (thinking to myself):  What’s taking so long?

By this time, I’ve morphed into mumbling.  First softly to myself, and then more brazenly to others.  Loud, but not too loud.  Then, as time passes and I witness more sofa psychiatrist bullshit up at the counter — people telling their problems, conversations about sports teams, talking about the weather, bitching about the airlines — just about every conceivable human problem in existence.  One exchange even includes a breakdown of the Bears-Jets game to be played later that night.  Just what I need — football picks from the rental guy.  As this trickle of unnecessary information flowed into a stream and then a mighty river, the decibel level of my displeasure increased, along with my irritation.

Me (thinking to myself):  Why the fuck is that man asking for directions?  Download a MapQuest app on your cell phone, asshole!

Then, with about four people still camped in front of me, something happens behind the counter that should have ignited a riot.  Without warning, one of the rental agents decides to go on a break.  So now, we’re down to two agents to handle the land invasion of the Chinese Army, with suitcases in tow.

Somewhat closer to the counter now, I can hear everything that’s said during the transactions.  And now, I’m really getting pissed.

A sweaty woman stands there.  She’s blocking progress.  Seems, she can’t find her driver’s license.  Now, get this.  The dumb broad stood there for 45 30 15 minutes, forced to wait like everyone else.  During that time, couldn’t she have entertained herself by rifling through her personal belongings hoping to locate the missing driver’s license?  No driver’s license = no rental car.  Instead, she wastes three minutes of everyone’s time who’s in line behind her emptying out her purse and pretty much burns what’s left of my patience to a crisp.

Me (now talking to myself):  Can you believe this?

Now, I’m thinking it’s time to bullrush the counter, you know, grab the next renter by the arm like a child and announce upfront, “Mr. Jones wants the subcompact, he declines the  insurance, but he’ll take the fuel option….now let’s fucking go!”

A few other people are mumbling, too.  Others stand stoically, like mummies.  After four more life stories get told by those ahead of me, finally it’s my turn.  I finally death march the final 15 feet up to the rental counter and am warmly greeted by a smiling Hawaiian.  Suddenly, I feel at ease.  I made it.  Hopefully, there’s a rental car in my near future.

Me (thinking to myself):  Whatever you do, don’t engage him in conversation.  Just answer “yes” and “no” to his questions, sign the form, and then make a mad dash out to the parking lot for the car.  Don’t waste time.  Be courteous to the people waiting behind me in line.  Talk as little as possible!

Hawaiian Rental Agent:  Hello, Sir!  So, how’s your day been, so far?

Me:  Fine.  Thanks.

Hawaiian Rental Agent:  So, what’s been happening so far this morning?

Me:  Uh, well, it’s 8:45 am, and just about every waking hour of it so far of it has been spent standing in a long line.

Hawaiian Rental Agent:  Yeah, sometimes the line gets kinda’ long.  Here at Fox, we like spending a little extra time with each customer.  ‘Cuz that’s what we’re all about, serving the customer as best we can.

Me:  So now, I get you all to myself.  Oh, joy!

Hawaiian Rental Agent (smiling):  That’s right.  We don’t do the robot thing here.  Can you imagine standing all day long and asking the same old questions of everyone you see?  I could never do that.  I like to find out what’s going on in people’s lives and try and make people feel better…..

Me:  But what about all the people wai…..

Hawaiian Rental Agent:  ….see, we’re not like Enterprise Rent-a-Car where they do the “Men in Black” routine.

Me:  Huh?  The “Men in Black” routine?  What do you mean?

Hawaiian Rental Agent:  Yeah, at Enterprise they’re all suited up like “Men in Black,” or something.  They have to stand like robots all day and just ask the basic questions.  That would drive me insane to have to do that.

Me:  Wow!  Well, I guess I’ll have to avoid Enterprise Rent-a-Car in the future.  I can only imagine how bad that would be.

Hawaiian Rental Agent:  Yeah, tell me about it.  I have a friend who works for Enterprise.  He hates it.

Me:  Sounds like torture.  Hey, uh, just to speed things up a little, you can mark me down for a decline on the additional insurance and full tank of gas option.  I’ll take a pass on that.

Hawaiian Rental Agent:  Wait.  You don’t want the extra insurance?  We have silver, gold, and platinum packages — most people take the silver.  It’s only $12.95 more a day and it gives you $100,000 worth of protection.  But there’s a $1,000 deductible.  So, if a stone flies off the road and the windshield cracks, you’ll be liable for the entire amount.  It’s only $12.95 a day for the protection. 

Me (to myself):  I just fucking said I don’t want the added insurance and full tank of gas option!  Why won’t Dr. Phil listen?

From there, the situation slowly deteriorated.  I got grilled on the fuel option, too.  Sparky tried to upsell me on the convenience of not having to stop at the gas station and even asked me about my travel plans.  What should have been a 3-minute transaction took about nine full minutes, three times longer than necessary.

See, that’s precisely what happens to everyone.  The simple questions pull you in and then the trap snaps shut.  Life stories aren’t planned.  They just sneak up on you and spill out.  Across counters.  Between total strangers.  Sort of like the lobster who doesn’t realize he’s boiling until it’s too late.  You get caught up in a simple routine.

When I finally departed the rental counter about to go on my way, I glanced behind me at the unfortunate co-dregs of modern-day travel who were still waiting in line.  Some were muttering profanities to themselves.  Getting all pissed off.  Impatiently forced to stand and wait while glaring at me for taking so long — and telling my life story to the rental agent.

Next time I need a rental car, I’m heading to Enterprise.

2 Comments

  1. one word: national. sure, they can be a little more expensive but you just jump in the car and go. also, their quality of cars tend to be better than most cars. i highly recommend their service.

  2. Fox prices are lower because they try to upsell you on crap you dont need. The sales people get commission on those sales.

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