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Keller’s Drive-In (Dallas) — The Most Wonderfully Disgusting Burger Joint in the Universe

Posted by on Sep 15, 2017 in Blog, Essays, Restaurant Reviews, Travel | 3 comments

 

 

My unplanned detour off Northwest Highway onto the oil-stained parking slick fronting Keller’s Drive-In prompted a most peculiar of culinary quandaries.  Namely — should I risk my life for a hamburger?  

From the rusty dangling carports taunting wide-eyed anxiety of an imminent collapse….to the dreary landscape beguiling a knife fight between rival gangs….a pit stop at this East Dallas hamburger haven demands a divine leap of gargantuan faith, garnished with an intriguing sense of unease.

Keller’s Drive-In has been around since before I was born — which is to say when all the Kennedys were still alive.  Growing up in Dallas, I fondly remember Keller’s Drive-In as that last great American hamburger joint before the microwaved abomination of corporate fast-food chains conspired to destroy the world and all but obliterated these genuine small-time monuments to food art and guilty decadence.

All I can say is — thank fucking god this awful place is still around and remains so marvelously defiant.

While we’re now in the midst of a trendy faux-renaissance of the good old-fashioned era of the greasy burger, unfortunately, most of the forgers financed by quinoa-nibbling waifs charge at least quadruple the price of the most expensive menu item at Keller’s — and still aren’t even half as tasty.  Fuck them.  Fuck them with triple patty sideways.

See, Keller’s is the raw real deal.  Taste buds never lie.  Where else in this compromised day and age of mass copy-cat conformity can you wolf down a piping hot guilty pleasure and guzzle a cold beer in the front seat of your car (ALL LEGALLY!) for less than ten bucks?  Indeed, Keller’s isn’t just a teary throwback to bygone authenticity given that its days are probably numbered, memories destined to be bulldozed into an Applebee’s next to Chevron.  It’s a cenotaph to anti-political correctness.  Let me put it this way:  If Jesus ever did return and was an auto mechanic instead of a carpenter, and he wanted to re-do The Last Supper, he’d host it at Keller’s.

On this day, I didn’t plan on eating at Keller’s.  Hell, I wasn’t even hungry.  I was full, even.  But you only live once according to my spiritual leanings and if my time has indeed come to keel over from a heart attack or a switchblade thrust into the abdomen by the newest inductee into the Banditos — then so be it.  My friends, this is precisely how I want to go out — with a scrumptiously sinful artery blocker in one fist and some kind of alcoholic beverage in the other palm, all while mutinously singing The Internationale.

Here.  Check out the menu.  Look at these prices!  “The Best” Hamburger clocks in at $2.35.  Throw in some greasy fresh-cut fries for a buck fifty-five.  Then, kill those intestines with a hearty milkshake for $2.25 (not the corn syrup garbage served elsewhere, but the real dairy product where you can taste the cream).  You can also add a cold beer for $1.75.  Holy shit!  I need to rent an apartment next to this joint!  Or, be buried here.

The best burger, plus fries, plus a milkshake, plus a cold beer comes to — cha -ding! — a grand total of $8.90!

 

 

Allow me to become a bit philosophical.

Food is the most obvious revelation and the ultimate confirmation, that above all else, egalitarianism rules.  Screw everything else.  Fact:  We all want to eat well.  Food is the magnet that makes snooty rich people drive into shitty neighborhoods for no other pursuit than that uniquely scrumptious meal you simply can’t get anyplace else in the city, or the universe for that matter.  Food is the epicenter our most inherent of social and commercial bonds, often between the most disparate tribes.

My rental car pulled up next to a Tesla.  Across the breezeway was a lowrider, which looked to be a ’66 Chevy Impala, though I’m not a car guy (thanks Google).  To my left was a soccer mom with her too many kids in a Toyota SUV.  Behind me was an old paintless pickup truck with a bunch of lawnmowers in the back — presumably all “rapists and murderers” doing their part of keep Dallas green and beautiful.  See, lots more cunts live in Highland Park than Oak Cliff.

Where else but Keller’s Drive-In would I witness a solo visitor from Las Vegas parked right next to an asshole driving a $100,000 car, next to suburban soccer mom, next to a Cheech and Chong wannabee, next to illegal aliens on lunchbreak — all eating pretty much exactly the same incredible meal for the same price?  If that’s not egalitarian awesomeness, then nothing is.

Note, however.  Badass bikers have recently been banned.  [READ “EATER DALLAS” STORY HERE]

 

 

Not often does one accurately describe a popular eating establishment as a total shithole, yet also give it a glowing recommendation.  Well, here you go.  Keller’s Drive-In is a total shithole with fabulous food at ridiculously cheap prices.

Which now brings me to the close.  The culinary encore of this review can be expressed in either one word or perhaps two words.  I’m not sure which.  That word or those words are — POPPYSEEDS.  Ersatz POPPY SEEDS.  I’d crawl over broken glass to devour those poppy seeds.  They’re sewn into every bun at Keller’s Drive-In.  My new sick fetish is poppy seeds.

I’m not sure what exactly is the best thing about Keller’s Drive-In, but the poppy seeds in the bun are right there next to the free knife fight.  Then, there’s the burger.  The burger is so messy, napkins aren’t adequate.  More like you need a beach towel, and perhaps a shower.

Keller’s Drive-In reminds us all of what we once used to be and what can still be, given the will of taste over convenience, the popular demands of quality over quantity, and the indubitable love of great food over mass production.

This is badass greatness on a poppyseed bun slathered in a special sauce.  Blow your dick off perfection with a heart attack in your hand all washed down with a cold brew.

Keller’s Drive-In is absolute magnificence.

 

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North Korea Has Nukes: Let’s All Quit Panicking and Deal With It

Posted by on Sep 5, 2017 in Blog, Essays, Politics, What's Left | 5 comments

 

 

THE RISK OF NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION IN THREE ACTS

ACT I:

So, everyone’s freaking out about North Korea having nuclear weapons.  I get that.

North Korea = bad.

Nuclear weapons = bad.

North Korea + nuclear weapons = worse.

North Korea + nuclear weapons + an intercontinental ballistic missile system + a hydrogen bomb = time to panic.

Let me be clear.  I wish there were no nuclear weapons.  I wish there were no international conflicts.  But, there are nuclear weapons and there are international conflicts.  That’s been the case since the United States became the first — and so far only — nation in the history of humanity to drop a nuclear weapon on a civilian population.  Not once, but twice.

_____

ACT II:

Students of world history everywhere foresaw these crossroads of conflict intersecting quite a long time ago and there was little, if anything, anyone could do to stop the inevitable pile up of geopolitical interests.  The wheels of what’s become a perpetual nuclear standoff were set into motion from the instant gunpowder was invented.  Call it — destiny.  So-called “advances in technology” created musket balls, then bullets after that — then bombs, then chemical bombs, then battleships, then bombs on battleships, then rockets, then bombs on rockets, then ballistic missiles, then nukes, then nukes on everything from rockets to airplanes to submarines.  Next up — baby strollers armed with nukes (don’t laugh — terrorists somewhere are probably working on this now).  And, we aren’t even finished with all the “advancing” yet — assuming the whole damned planet doesn’t blow itself up in a giant mushroom cloud of mass extinction.

Yes, a nuclearized North Korea is precisely what happens when absconding recklessly into the mad laboratory of political miscalculation.  Add one-part American global policeman certain to ignite flash points and a pervasive attitude of resentment (800 American military bases in 70 countries), a bitter Korean War still going on seven decades after the last battle was fought, combined with inevitable advances in military technology increasingly accessible to an ultra-paranoid totalitarian state willing to sacrifice every shred of human comfort within its borders for its own despotic survival — and that singular obsession was bound to spawn a successful nuclear weapons program at some point.

Well, that point is now.  As horrific daily life is for the average North Korean, millions likely starving and brainwashed, the only way Kim Jong-un holds onto his power for several decades (remember — “Dear Leader” is relatively infantile age 35) is to prop up the barricades with fiery weapons that no adversary will dare ever want to face.  That means building nukes and demonstrating the willingness to use such deadly instruments if ever seriously threatened by attack.

Hence, Kim Jong-un is behaving exactly as he should, that is, within his twisted distortion of what his nation-state should forever be — a one-man dictatorship.  He would be utterly foolish to scale back any nuclear ambitions now after coming so far, given those advances shall provide his regime not only membership in the coveted country club of players holding a nuclear super driver, but a negotiator that has to be respected if for no other reason than the man with the funny haircut has powers to wipe out his neighbors with one phone call.  It’s reminiscent of the local street thug who yanks a businessman off the street into a back alley and sticks a Glock pistol up to the temple and then blurts out — “So, do you respect me, now?”

Faced with annihilation by giving the wrong answer, what are we to say?

Unfortunately, we can’t take out this street thug, not without pronouncing an instant death sentence upon millions of innocent South Koreans, Japanese, and perhaps Americans who are also within range of the regime’s conventional weapons and nuclear scope.  If we had such powers to secretly rid the world of this menace, extrication by force would have happened quite some time ago.  Recall our nation tried to murder Cuba’s Fidel Casto multiple times and failed miserably.  By comparison, there’s little chance of penetrating an even more formidable line of defense within the psychotic state of North Korea.  Besides, there’s no guarantee that killing Kim Jong-un would even solve the bigger problem of nukes.  His successor might perceive the assassination of the national leader who’s worshiped as a god to be immediate grounds for launching a catastrophic end-all war.  So, let’s dispel the crazy talk of killing North Korea’s leader, at least for now.  That’s probably riskier than launching a military attack.

So, what should we do instead about this “threat?”

How about this:  Nothing.

That’s right.  Do nothing, except play it cool.

Of course, I don’t mean nothing in the sense of abandoning diplomacy.  I don’t mean nothing as in letting down our guard.  A wiser alternative — America’s defensive nuclear capabilities should be strengthened not just because of the looming North Korean threat but also the inevitable acquisition of nuclear capabilities by other rogue nations and perhaps even maniacal terror groups.  A sobering reality is the day will come when wackos somewhere will get nuclear weapons and we damn well better plan for that day.  Perhaps shutting down a few of the 800 military bases spread out in 70 countries could be a solid down payment on strengthening America’s national defense because right now it looks a helluva’ lot more like a national offense.

Quoting rogue journalist Caitlin Johnstone:

“It’s just mind-boggling how they keep selling the same plotline over and over and over again.  A mentally deranged dictator is threatening American safety and abusing his own citizens, and we need to take him out right now before he does any more harm!  People buy into it again and again, like a bunch of kids watching Scooby Doo thinking “This monster’s real for sure this time!”  Then it turns out the ghost was just the creepy old rich guy from scene three and the next episode they’re acting like it never happened.”

_____

ACT III:

The United States has faced identical threats before.  A few times, in fact.  So what, if anything, did we learn from our own history?  Listening both to breaking news and the knee-jerk ramblings our current leaders — apparently nothing whatsoever.

In 1949, the U.S.S.R. successfully tested its first nuclear weapon.  At the time, that closed-off nation was ruled by a cruel despot named Joseph Stalin who had previously murdered millions of his own people in a reign of terror known as The Great Purge.  Many people thought he was crazy.  Across the ocean, when news reached our shores that Stalin had “the bomb,” Americans panicked.  Congress launched investigations.  Sedetionists were imprisoned and executed.  The “Red Scare” led to a terrible scourge known as McCarthyism.

Some 15 years later, Red China successfully tested its first nuclear weapon.  At the time, that isolated nation was ruled by a cruel despot named Mao Tse-Tung who had murdered millions of his own people in a reign of terror.  Many people thought he was crazy, too.  Across the ocean, when news reached our shores that the People’s Republic of China had “the bomb,” Americans panicked.  Over the next ten years, Mao launched the Cultural Revolution, one of the most frightening periods of the 20th Century — all while he had nukes in his pocket

Today, another presumed madman has nukes.  Yet, as harsh as his rule has been for North Koreans, based on all the evidence there’s nothing to suggest that nation has any plans to launch an invasion of its neighbors.  More precisely to the question — who exactly is North Korea going to attack?  Only three possibilities exist:  [1] China — a nuclear superpower and its primary trading partner?  [2] Russia — with nuclear capabilities and nothing really of value within North Korea’s reach?  [3] South Korea — bolstered by a whopping 3.7 million troops (one of the largest armies in the world), plus a dominant presence by American forces backed with nuclear weapons?

What exactly is the threat here beyond the obvious risk of some kind of accident?

Does anyone seriously believe the North Korean leader is suicidal?  I don’t think so.  There’s no evidence of this.

Stalin and Mao — two icons who essentially comprise the ideological Mt. Rushmore of North Korea — weren’t suicidal.  Yes, they were cold.  They were cruel.  They were calculating.  They were also survivors, in part due to their imposition of domestic terror and threats to foreign outsiders.  They never came close to using nuclear weapons.  The same can probably be said of Kim Jong-un.

Of course, President Donald Trump lacks the willingness to try and understand the complexity of this crisis.  He possesses no knowledge of history.  For this and other reasons which are painfully obvious, he could not have handled recent developments in Asia any worse — except for launching a reckless first-strike himself, which he’s actually threatened to do in more than one tweet-crazed instance.  Trump’s dangerous rhetoric has accomplished nothing of value, othering than pushing North Korea into a dangerous corner.  Instead of “backing down,” as he falsely claimed the regime would do, North Korea is going full-steam ahead with their nuclear program.  They’ve even accelerated their testing.  Given Trump’s threats and demeanor at this point boosted by scandal and an imploding administration, North Korea would be crazy not to refine their nuclear capabilities.

Far worse than nukes parked permanently inside North Korea is America’s declining credibility in the world, not only to our enemies, but among friends.  Since North Korea called down President Trump’s tempestuous bluff, the United States now has few cards left to play.  We threaten to unleash “fire and fury” one day.  Then, this past weekend, the president admonishes our most essential ally in this conflict, South Korea, for engaging in diplomatic talks.  Simultaneously, we threaten to suspend all economic ties with China, the world’s second-largest economy and probably the best leverage we have in trying to negotiate with the North Koreans. Given all the double-talk and messy clean-up afterward by his increasingly frustrated subordinates, to describe President Trump’s doctrine on the Korean crisis as “confusing” would be overly generous.  It’s more like — incomprehensible.  It’s the crayon drawing of a 3-year-old.

Here’s a more reasonable alternative.  Stop panicking about North Korea having nuclear weapons.  This day was destined to come.  It’s happened before with eerily similar brutal hard-line regimes, and yet somehow we’re all still here.  And, it will likely happen again in another part of the world in the near future, what with “advances” in technology and all combined with a thriving pipeline of weaponry supplied by unconscionable death merchants seeking profits.

Alas, the only widespread panic that’s entirely justified remains the presence of a stooge occupying the White House right now who’s at the helm of this nation’s great military power, an incoherent hot-tempered narcissist prone to illogical impulse at any time of night or day, an entertainer-in-chief hopelessly lacking any of the critical skills of his cooler and more clever predecessors — from Harry Truman to Richard Nixon to Ronald Reagan.  Even on their very worst days, no one ever thought any previous president might be crazy enough to send the missiles flying.

Indeed — perhaps, it’s time to panic after all, but for entirely different reasons.

 

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True Heroism

Posted by on Aug 29, 2017 in Blog, Essays, Personal, Uncategorized | 1 comment

 

 

Today, I woke up in a cozy bed.  I drank a fresh cup of coffee.  I took a hot shower.  Then, I turned on the television set and devoured a hearty breakfast.

Right then and there, as the ghastly images of an unprecedented natural catastrophe in Houston flashed before my eyes, it occurred to me that several million people living in Texas and Louisiana weren’t able to enjoy the simplest of pleasures most of us take for granted.

Deep down, I do think most people are good people.  I believe most people want to help others when they can.  Despite our differences, I’m convinced that most people want to help their neighbors and fellow citizens in times of crisis — even those they do not know.  And, I’m just as certain that most people don’t care about the color of someone else’s skin, or how he or she votes in an election, or what lifestyle is chosen — good people will usually do the right thing when acts of human compassion are needed the most.

The relief effort now underway in Houston shows the better side of all of us.  Yes, we are petty.  Yes, we are spiteful.  Yes, we are flawed.  Yes, we make mistakes.  But we also care.  We want to reach out and help people in their time of need.  Many have already done so.

Yet, some people do go the extra mile.  Some people make the added sacrifice.  Some people risk their own lives to try and save others.  These are the true heroes.

In the past few days, I’ve seen and read amazing stories of some remarkable people.  They have opened up their homes to total strangers.  They have driven hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles, towing ramshackle boats to rescue those who are stranded in their flooded homes, who are waiting for a hero to arrive.  They have donated money, and food, and emergency supplies.  They have taken in pets and moved them into foster homes.  They have worked tirelessly around the clock — all while I slept, while I drank a fresh cup of coffee, while I took a hot shower, while I watched television, while I devoured a hearty breakfast.

A Houston police officer even gave his life.  His name was Steve Perez.  Wait a minute….his name *IS* Steve Perez.  Say that name.  Say it aloud.  He deserves to be known and remembered, not as a “was” but an “is.”  Steve Perez is a hero.

I’ve written before that I’m far more impressed by casual acts of kindness and random good deeds than the supposed marvels and talents of those who are rich and famous.  We sure have a peculiar way of defining our “heroes,” all too often associating personal valor with the talent to throw a ball or look beautiful in a movie.  Too frequently we misconstrue heroism with money, fame, and power.  Willfully accepting these shiny objects of superfluous celebrity stands as the very antithesis of being heroic, since doing so calls attention to oneself instead of one’s character and deeds, and letting genuine acts of human compassion speak for themselves.

Alas, the true heroes among us are not famous.  More often than not, true heroism is anonymous.  Heroes work in nursing homes, often for appallingly low pay and for little recognition.  They serve as caretakers, sometimes without the reciprocity of simple gratitude.  They willingly volunteer to help the less fortunate.  They fight to defend wildlife and protect the environment.  They commit their lives to justice.  They go out on nightly patrol, trying to keep our streets and neighborhoods safe.  I will admit, these heroes are much stronger than me.  They perform admirable deeds that in some cases I do not think I could do.  I think that’s what makes them heroes.

Right now, Houston has a serious problem.  It’s a problem of unfathomable size and scope.  Dealing with these problems will not be easy.  But solving the very worst of Houston’s immediate problems will be an absolute given, a certainty, all thanks to the many heroes out there working and volunteering as I type and you read, heroes with names we do not know.

 

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10 Ways to Tell a Sports Handicapping Service is Dishonest

Posted by on Aug 28, 2017 in Blog, Essays, General Poker | 5 comments

 

 

When you see ads featuring douchebags driving fancy cars fanning wads of cash surrounded by sexy girls — run in the opposite direction.  They’re all crooks.  Every one of them.  Here’s the truth:  Real sports handicappers don’t call attention to themselves.  Real sports handicappers don’t toss around $100 bills like confetti.  Real sports handicappers don’t hang out in Las Vegas nightclubs.  Real sports handicappers work their asses off — because that’s what it takes to win.

 

It’s that time of year again.

The start of football season means two things.  First, sports gambling ramps up big-time.  Second, an infestation of predators will be hunting for fresh prey.  These predators are known as “sports handicapping services.”

Fortunately for us, dishonest sports handicapping services are easy to spot.  In fact, they make it way too easy.

Here’s some advice that’s never once failed me in my 20-plus years on the sports gambling scene and more than a decade living here in Las Vegas.  That advice is as follows:  When somebody looks and acts like a scumbag, he’s usually a scumbag.

Want to know more of the warning signs?  Okay, let’s do this.  I’ve compiled a list of things to watch out for.  Here are 10 ways to tell a sports handicapping service (also known as “touts” or “sports advisors”) is probably dishonest:

 

[1] When the Handicapper(s) uses a Pseudonym

Any successful sports handicapper should be willing to use his real name in all of his business dealings.  This is especially true when your hard-earned money is involved.  Sure, some handicappers may employ a catchy nickname for marketing purposes, and that’s okay.  But each of us has a legal first and last name.  Anyone who’s honest about what they do for a living should be willing to be known publically.  I’ve discussed this sticky point with some full-time touts who insist they use pseudonyms for legal reasons and/or to maintain privacy.  I call bullshit.  If you can’t take pride in what you do for a living, or you’re uncomfortable with your customers knowing your identity, then you shouldn’t be in the business.  Here’s a question:  Would you take financial advice from someone who doesn’t use his (or her) real identity and instead relies on a fake name?  Of course not.  This should also apply to anyone you trust to provide sports picks.

 

[2] Handicappers Using Phoney Academic Credentials

Over the years I’ve noticed many scumbag handicappers use “Doctor” or “Professor” in their titles.  This would be perfectly fine if they actually had academic credentials — particularly in fields such as statistics, psychology, or some other discipline related to sports gambling.  Fact is, these “doctors” and “professors” are frauds.  They’re liars.  Years ago, a scam-capper who went by the name “Dr.” Ed Horowitz was exposed as a cocaine addict and was found to be a convicted felon.  More recently, “Dr. Bob,” a college dropout who lit up the sports betting scene about a decade ago when he went on a (perhaps random) hot streak which caught the attention of mainstream media, has no doctorate in anything.  He’s still around.  Be careful about who you trust.  Academic titles shouldn’t be slung around loosely with the intent to establish a false credibility so as to fool people.  Academic credentials should be rightfully earned.  No sports advisory service to my knowledge has any doctors of professors working as full-time handicappers.  Perhaps they do exist and if so, they could post a copy of the doctorate at the website.

 

[3] Living a High-Roller Lifestyle

There are legitimate handicappers and honest sports services making a living researching games and then giving out the plays, and perhaps even betting on those picks themselves.  Every single one of them puts in massive numbers of hours.  This is especially true for bona fide sports services that really do care about their clients, which are few and far between.  If you see advertisements (or worse, “reality television” shows or videos) with douchebags posing with fancy cars surrounded by pretty girls, or fanning huge wads of cash — run in the opposite direction.  They’re all crooks.  Shit stains.  Scum.  Every one of them.  Here’s the truth:  Real sports handicappers don’t call attention to themselves.  Real sports handicappers don’t toss around $100 bills like confetti, nor hang out in Las Vegas nightclubs.  Real sports handicappers work their asses off because that’s what it takes to win in this business.

 

[4] Touting Only Recent Win-Loss Results

This is a red flag that screams — scam!  We see this frequently, especially on print ads and all over social media, including Twitter and Facebook.  “We went 8-2 our last 10 plays!  Sign up now!”  So, the service claims that they went 8-2.  So what?  I can flip a coin and it might come up 8 heads and 2 tails (there’s a 3 percent chance of this happening if you flip a coin ten times right now).  But why is the service bragging about only the last ten picks?  What happened the previous 20 picks?  Or previous 50 picks?  You can be absolutely certain — if the service had enjoyed a longer winning streak, they’d be bragging about it.  Fact is, the service might have gone 2-8 the prior week and ended up with a 10-10 overall record.  Minus the usual 10 percent vig plus the service’s subscription fee, congratulations — you’re well on your way to going broke.  All that matters in sports handicapping in the long term.  One day, one week, or even one month is almost meaningless.  Unless a service can provide a legitimate W-L record over a lengthy period (at least a year, and preferably several years), they should be avoided no matter what claims they make.  [One more thought:  A trustworthy service shouldn’t have to constantly brag about themselves — winners become self-evident]

 

[5] Failure to Post Comprehensive Win-Loss Record

This is closely related to the previous red flag.  All handicappers should publically post their comprehensive W-L results.  This is easy for a website to do.  All plays should be archived so that customers and potential new clients can see for themselves how the handicapper has performed.  That said, be careful because many sports services have been caught “scrubbing” their dirty records.   These unscrupulous services appear to maintain an updated listing of all recommended wagers, but they go back later — a few weeks or months afterward — when no one remembers the losing picks.  Then, they scrub away the losses.  Removing ten losses from 100 picks can make a 50-50 coin-flipping handicapper look like a genius since the falsified record would be hitting 56 percent winners.  One very strong indicator to know if a sports service is honest or not is to look carefully for losing streaks and losing seasons.  Oddly enough, this is a somewhat reliable indicator of integrity.  If a sports service has a few losing seasons, but also more winning seasons on their record, that might be worth consideration (provided they don’t have other red flags).  In short, be more inclined to trust a handicapper and/or sports service that admits to bad streaks and losing seasons.

 

[6] Different Levels of Service or Clubs — Based on Price

This is a dirty trick used by most dishonest sports services.  They offer different levels of service for their clients based on the price.  Often, you see “VIP” clubs and other elite offers which presumably provide a higher level of service (which implies better sports picks — but is junk just like the rest of their stuff ).  If I’m relying on someone else’s judgment, I want his best stuff at all times.  This would especially be true if I’m paying for information.  While the time period of a subscription is indeed a legitimate way to categorize clients (giving discounts to those who purchase a full season, rather than one month, for instance), no sports gambler should ever be receiving second-rate plays.  Any service with segregated membership clubs is a scam.  Without exception.  Here’s the reason — it’s playing the odds.  The more clubs a service offers, the better chance one of those clubs will get hot and produce a winning record.  That way, the service can market its best-performing club to future suckers (and ignore the inevitable losing records).

 

[7] Beware of Hype

Here in Las Vegas, several daily and weekly radio shows feature sports handicappers as regular guests.  These “experts” break down games and provide their picks.  While many are worthless so far as value, just about all of them do provide accurate information.  Most public handicappers who appear in major media work very hard to provide analysis, injury updates, and other data which can help the listener to make a solid pick.  Even those who don’t win in the long run can provide valuable insight on a game we may not know otherwise.  Hence, I do respect these handicappers who are willing to share their opinions.  That said, gamblers should avoid the braggarts and screamers.  Beware of so-called “experts” who spend lots of time touring their records and marketing next week’s picks.  YouTube.com is filled with these videos of self-promoting scammers who spend most of the program telling the world how great they are.  Stay away from them, unless you’re looking for a laugh.  Note:  One example of an excellent resource for gamblers is the daily video analysis released by Teddy Sevransky and Pauly Howard HERE.

 

[8] Any Sports Service Promoting a “Game of the …..” is a Fraud

No sporting event is so lopsided that it merits being promoted as a “Game of the Year.”  Yet, we see this garbage advertised all the time.  This is marketing targeted directly at saps and suckers.  Gambling is a long-term endeavor.  Gambling is about percentages.  No game is a lock.  Ever.  The most egregious violation of this “Game of the….(whatever)” is often witnessed early in the football season.  Dishonest sports handicapping services advertise their “Game of the Year,” sometimes even in early September!  How does a service know there won’t be a superior wagering opportunity later in the season, in October, November, or December?  There’s a reason for this and it’s a sure sign of dishonesty:  Scammers know most gamblers still have money early in the football season that will inevitably be lost from week-to-week.  So, they hype early season games to try and take advantage ignorance and desperation.  You will also see the hucksters promote multiple “Games of the Year.”  If you see anything like “Game of the Century” advertised (yes, this is quite common), that service is a scam 100 percent of the time.  These aren’t reliable handicappers.  They are clowns.

 

[9]  Touting Parlays

Parlays are bottom-of-the-barrel traps for chumps and suckers who lose consistently and are desperate to crawl out of the financial hole.  Some sports handicapping services are so vile, they prey on these most vulnerable who believe in the fairy tale of parlays — gamblers who hopelessly need a longshot winner to get back to even.  Hey — it’s tough enough to pick more winners than losers over the long run, let alone make two or more picks on a single betting ticket.  Yet, we often see “side and total” parlays advertised for the biggest games, especially the golden goose of fleecing for the sports handicapping industry, which is Monday Night Football.  Some services even promote 3- and 4-team parlays.  This is insane.  It should be a crime.  I’ve made perhaps 100,000 sports wagers in my life, and I can count on one hand the total number of parlays I’ve bet (they were all weather correlated — like when a hurricane slammed into Florida a few years ago and I bet several games in the region to go under due to rain and high winds).  Parlays are for losers.

 

[10] Beware of Concentration on Sides / Beware of Concentration on High-Profile Games like Monday Night Football

Betting sides (and nothing else) is at best a break-even proposition for 95 percent of all gamblers.  The lines for NFL and most college football games are rock solid.  Oddsmakers don’t make mistakes (or, if they happen — they’re very rare).  Value comes when we have reliable information that’s not widely known nor factored into the line (yet), which is far more common on propositions — such as the number of yards rushing a running back will gain.  There’s also still some value in second-half (halftime) wagering.  In short, the more exotic the wager (betting obscure players, quarters, etc.) the better the chances the number might be off since it’s impossible to calibrate every proposition of every game with complete accuracy.  Incredibly, very few sports handicapping services give out propositions, quarters, first-halves, and so forth.  They focus on numbers that are virtually unbeatable — sides and totals.  There’s a reason for this:  Most sports bettors want to bet on something they understand and can easily follow.  Very few gamblers take the time to consider a rash of cluster injuries along a team’s offensive line which might lead to allowing more sacks.  In such situations, betting OVER the sack total would be a far wiser wager than betting the side.  Again, very few services concentrate on these opportunities.  Similarly, sports services that always give out picks on the most popular games aren’t doing their customers any favors.  Betting values are much more likely to be found on an Arkansas State-Louisiana Lafayette game that almost no one cares about instead of the New England-Green Bay game.  Seriously — do you think a handicapping service knows anything special about a game likely to be watched by 50 million viewers?

 

My conclusions are as follows:  Avoid sports handicapping services.  You can probably pick just as many winners (and losers) as the typical “professional.”  Moreover, if you add in the cost of the service — which can be hundreds and sometimes thousands of dollars — making a steady profit is even less likely.

A final word:  I have many friends in the sports handicapping business.  I know many of the biggest names known to most serious sports gamblers.  Some of them are honest.  Many are hard-working.  Most have experienced temporary flashes of profitability which launched their careers as public handicappers and provided some measure of client confidence.  But remember — all glory is fleeting.  Caveat emptor.

 

Disclaimer:  I have publically posted my football picks for more than 20 years.  I have posted more winning seasons than losing seasons.  Over the past five NFL seasons, my pre-game recommendations have been posted on this website.  In more than 1,000 plays, I have a produced a very small profit — but a profit nonetheless.  I have never once sold my picks, nor recommended any sports handicapping service.

 

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Writers on the Storm

Posted by on Aug 26, 2017 in Blog, Essays | 6 comments

 

 

TEXAS HURRICANE IS A FALSE FLAG!

Don’t be fooled by the fake news of a “hurricane.”

There’s no “hurricane.”  It’s a false flag.  

It’s a false flag created by evil Leftist-globalist financier George Soros and his corrupt cronies at CNN to boost ratings.  They want to distract America from President Trump’s fight to #MAGA.

Someone with a Russian-sounding name told me they saw ads were posted on Craigs List. They’re paying $25 an hour for “extras” to stand next to giant wind turbines and get their hair messed up. I heard organizers are spraying the extras with garden hoses, so it looks like they’re standing in the middle of a hurricane. They’re “performance actors,” just like the Leftists who were hired a few weeks in Charlottesville to stir up shit. It’s probably a racket, paid for by Soros.  Someone needs to look into this.

You can’t trust the film footage you see, either.  Notice they always show the same flimsy palm trees blowing?  Palm trees are everywhere — especially in Florida.  Those look a lot like Florida palm trees to me.  Not Texas palm trees.  Florida palm trees.  I’ve got people down in Florida doing an investigation into the origin of those palm trees right now, and you won’t believe that they’re finding.  My theory is — that’s probably stock footage from some other old storm, most likely in Florida.  That’s what I heard.  I’m just saying.  Someone needs to look into this.

I’m also hearing the scenes of that flimsy piece of sheet metal blowing off the empty shed in high winds is fake.  You know the footage I’m talking about.  CNN shows some shackle of a metal shed out in the middle of nowhere, and all the sudden the sheet metal blows off the roof.  Wow!  That really looked real.  Someone needs to look into this.

Listen up.  There’s no way this hurricane is real.  It’s fake.  Fake news.  Seriously, do you think the President would pardon a convicted racist on a Friday evening and then spend the entire weekend on vacation (AGAIN!) if he *really* believed there was a hurricane slamming into a state that he won the in 2016 election?

Hell or high water — NO!!!

Someone really needs to look into this.

Mr. President — you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

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