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Posted by on Nov 28, 2014 in Blog, Rants and Raves | 2 comments

Now that Thanksgiving’s Over, Let the Greed Stampede Begin!

 

"Black Friday" Marks Start Of Holiday Shopping Season

 

Black Friday is the most grotesque holiday ever invented by humankind.  It’s a collective manifestation of hysterical mobs and mass greed, a corporatist conspiracy designed to cattle prod America into a chaotic buying frenzy.  It’s an outlandish propaganda campaign intended to cage even greater numbers of Americans deeper into debt.  It’s the unscrupulous grand design of the evil axis that exists between banks, retailers, and advertisers to guarantee that the working class stays in hock up to their fucking eyeballs.

 

Have I made it clear that I don’t like Black Friday?

Yet the irony isn’t that there’s a whole day, actually a three-day weekend dedicated to the avaricious pursuit of shopping.  It’s that all this trivial madness comes less than 24 hours after we’ve given “thanks” for what we already have.

Black Friday is hypocrisy at its worst.

Only a day ago, most of us held hands around dinner tables (or in front of the television).  We celebrated our Thanksgivings.  In our hearts, most of us sincerely felt thankful.  Many of us are indeed blessed, especially compared to others in the world who are less fortunate.

And less than a month from now, we shall gather once again.  Mostly around dinner tables (or in front of televisions, if there’s a football game) on another festive occasion.  We shall join hands.  In some cases, we will say prayers.  Once again, we will express thanks for all our blessings.  Moreover, we will extol the virtues of peace, love, and brotherhood.

In between these two holy days that we call Thanksgiving and Christmas, an odd mutation takes place.  We’re transformed into pious pilgrims praying for peace into beastly wolves gnarling in rabid pursuit of cheap electronics and discounted junk, mostly made by workers in China earning $6 a day.

Today, America becomes a giant fuckhouse of evil.  If yesterday was a celebration of “we,” today is the materialization of “me.”  Get the hell out of my way — there’s something on sale I want, and you’re blocking the aisle.

This is my plea for a return to sanity.  It’s one of the few occasions where I openly beg.  Pointless?  Perhaps.  Well-intentioned?  Definitely.  My plea isn’t based on the blatant hypocrisy represented by participating in Black Friday, nor the financial suicide roused by banks urging you to max out your credit cards.  Rather, it’s a simple overture targeted to your common sense.

For those of you scurrying around giant malls right now, what were you thinking?  Couldn’t you have gone out and bought all that shit that no one needs for a lot of people you don’t really like yesterday, or last week, or last month?  You know — periods when most of the stores were empty and you could easily find a willing sales associate eager to help?  What sicko wants to stand out in the cold, fight crowds, argue over parking spaces, wait in long lines, and receive horrible service?  Well, it appears the answer is — just about anyone with a credit card and a pulse.

I know.  I’m different.  I’m a scrooge.  I just don’t get it.  Well, you’re right.  I just don’t fucking get it.

Today will be marred by needless stress and even occasional violence.  Fights have broken out inside stores.  People have been trampled (some to death) and then left on the floor while shoppers make mad dashes for the sales bin.  Then, there are the innumerable acts of road rage and parking lot wars.  I’ll admit, nothing quite rings in the holiday spirit quite like zooming around the aisle full of cars just so you can grab the lone empty parking spot, forcing the loser — probably a 78-year-old woman with a cane — to walk an extra quarter mile to the entrance to Macy’s.

If Black Friday has an eye of the hurricane, it’s the deep discounters like Walmart and Target.  I saw an ad in the newspaper yesterday that K-Mart was opening up its stores at 6 pm the night before.  On Thanksgiving!  The store claimed they’d remain open all night long.  Because, you know, nothing quite shows the family spirit like dashing off to K-Mart on Thanksgiving night.  That shocked me, actually.  Especially since I didn’t know any K-Marts were still in business.  Isn’t K-Mart basically a giant Dollar Store, except that no one actually shops there?

There’s lots of weird stuff going on sale today, too, which only adds to the madness.  Consider what’s advertised at PetsMart.  Stores catering solely to the needs of our pets are scheduled to open up at 5 am.  Doggie beds are on special for $10.  I think anyone who lines up at 5 am to go buy a pet bed is probably walking on the wrong side of the leash.

Speaking of dog collars, Victoria’s Secret is opening up extra early, too.  What I want to know is — wouldn’t most of the people inclined to shop at Victoria’s Secret either be getting home from nightclubs or already be passed out in bed at that hour?  Who wakes up at 4 am to go shopping at a Victoria’s Secret?  Wait, don’t tell me — I don’t want to know.

The most blatant example of society’s guilt and greed are the despicable Lexus television commercials that begin running every year about this time.  The fantasy ads typically show some upscale suburban twenty-something giving the husband or wife a brand new $95,000 Lexus for Christmas.  Yeah, right.  Like that happens in most American households with people who are 26.  Meanwhile, the rest of us who bought our loved ones the Old Spice kit on sale at J.C. Penney are made to feel like total shit.

If you really want to shop for the holiday season and save money, as well as avoid the swarms of crowds, here’s some advice.  Start your shopping (for next year) during the first week of January.   Or, just about the entire month of January.  Everything is on sale, then too!  Just about as low as anything you’ll find on Black Friday.  You’ll get good service.  And, you’ll even be able to find an empty parking place without dropping the F-bomb.

Black Friday is evil.  Stay away.  That way, maybe I can nudge into a store later today and find a great deal.

Read More:  Donk Down — The Best of 2014 Black Friday Fights

2 Comments

  1. I spend most of my money on a beautiful woman and wildly expensive whisky … the rest I just waste.

  2. I know it’s Black Friday because I read your blog today. Had you not mentioned it, I would have been blissfully ignorant.

    No tv and no newspapers = no propaganda = authentic existence

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