I Don’t Like Native Folk Dancing
Is there anything more pathetic than native folk dancing?
I mean, except for infants, lacrosse, and light beer. And of course — Sheldon Adelson.
Those horrors aside, I fail to understand any conceivable reason native folk dancing should still exist anywhere in the world in the 21st Century. When did these idiotic dances start? The 1600′s?
Folk dances are a ritual as outdated as hunting for dinner with a spear. Accordingly, since it lacks any real purpose, I want it banned. Native folk dancing should be against the law. Not just here in America, but worldwide. These dances must stop.
Listen what happened to me last night. I went to dinner at an Indian restaurant here in Las Vegas. While struggling decipher a bunch on unpronuncable names on the menu, two televisions were blasting Indian music inside the dining room. By Indian, I mean the country over there somewhere next to China. Not Arizona. My entire dining experience consisted of some confusing ritual I didn’t understand. It looked like belly dancing, but I wouldn’t know the fucking difference. Mind you, this Indian show was being shown during a ball game I wanted to watch that I had money on.
Instead of the restaurant trying to please me, management assumed guests would prefer native folk dancing whilst dining.
I conducted a quick survey. While I sat there stewing, I scoured over the dining room. Not one person was watching the folk dancing on television!
NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON!!!
So, why was this freakin’ frack being shown? Huh? I demand an answer!
Why was I — and the entire place — forced to listen to some wailing flutes serenading curried women? And the girls weren’t even taking their clothes off, which totally prick teases any illusory anticipations.
FACT: NO ONE LIKES THIS SHIT!
A serious question coming. Have you ever met anyone who enjoyed this stuff? I mean anyone in the history of the universe?
NO ONE LIKES NATIVE FOLK DANCING!
Well, guess what happened? Never mind, I’ll tell you exactly what happened. I sat there for 45 goddamned minutes, that’s what happened. I had no choice but to sit and suffer in silence. Like a fucking hostage. While waiting for my dinner — which took like forever, I was stuck in a booth watching dark-skinned women with polkadots between their eyes waving see-through veils while dancing around in the desert while a dozen flutes were playing. And the songs never seem to fucking end. They go on forever.
Of course, I couldn’t understand a thing they were saying. I want someone to answer me — what’s the point of all this? Music you can’t understand. Senseless dancing. What’s accomplished after all that music and dancing?
And another thing. These dancers are not real. They’re fake. Does anyone really believe the people who wear those whacked-out costumes really live their daily lives like that? No! So, they’re lying to everyone. They’re deceiving people. And I don’t like it one bit. I don’t like to be lied to and deceived. This has got to stop.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve been jerked around. I watched a native folk dance in person one time. Let me tell you something. I didn’t like it.
A few years ago, I drove through an Indian reservation while heading to the Grand Canyon with my family. These were the Indians from Arizona — not China. The “Indians” were all dressed up. They performed a dance show for tourists. While guzzling down a draft beer and wolfing down a bratwurst, I tried to immerse myself into their local culture. You know, fit in. Basically, the dance show consisted of a couple of Indians sitting on their asses banging on drums while the other “tribe” members danced around the stage wearing little more than feathers. Of course, there was a tip jar. More like an open guitar case. After each dance, the Indian kids come around to shake down the tourists. What a fucking racket!
Nothing made any sense whatsoever. There was no plot to it. The show flat out sucked. I think people should start complaining about all this.
As for the music, it was fucking dreadful. The same three notes were played over and over again. It was worse than a Fleetwood Mac album.
Well, they sure as shit didn’t full me. I wasn’t buying the lies even though I charged an $85 pair of turquoise earrings to Visa that I was told were “hand-made” by actual members of the tribe. That phoney ass dance act was a fraud before they even took the stage. The “tradition” schtick was pretty much shot to hell the moment the so-called “Indians” pulled up in a $42,000 Toyota Land Cruiser and got out wearing Kobe Bryant jerseys.
Which brings me to another thing I don’t like.
These Indians need to stop squawking about their ancient lands being “sacred.” Sacred, my ass. Supposedly, these tribes believe their lands are protected by some kind of heavenly spirit. Sorry Chief Black Feather, or whatever your name is, but you pretty much blew your “sacred land” schtick when you opened a giant casino and trucked in 2,800 video poker machines.
But getting back to dancing. Let’s all unite and put an end to this masquerade — once and for all. All of it. American Indians, or Indian Indians, or Cleveland Indians — no one wants to be tortured by watching native folk dancing. Let’s liberate those poor souls forced to attend and pretend to like these awful shows on family vacations.
So let it be written, so let it be known: I don’t like native folk dancing.