Your eyes are not deceiving you. The sign above is real.
Question — Who the fuck would pay $36,190 for a mattress?
Thirty-six grand…..for a fucking bed!
What are the box springs made of? 24 karat gold? What was the fabric spun by? Silkworms?
This eye-popping photo shows a queen-size mattress parked on the second floor of Bloomingdale’s at Fashion Center in Las Vegas. The store is closing down. I can’t imagine why, with all these fantastic bargains.
Oh, and this is a queen size. What does the king-size mattress cost? Fifty grand?
Just once I’d like to see a Jackass film crew come in, ask to speak to a salesman, and demand half a dozen $36,000 beds. Then as he’s conducting the transaction and fantasizing about his sales commission, ask to fill out a credit application.
* * *
When Marieta learned Bloomingdale’s was going out of business and would slash store prices up to 50 percent, that seemed like a perfect opportunity to do some serious bargain shopping. Everything half off! Imagine the steals we’d be getting!
We’re currently in the market for a brand new mattress. Don’t ask me why. Frankly, I don’t see the problem with the old mattress. Sure, the cats pissed on it a few times, but you can hardly smell the urine. Besides, no one sees the stains after you put sheets over the bed.
We bought our current mattress about ten years ago, which as far as I’m concerned means the bed has just about reached its half-life. When we bought it new I remember shelling out $3,500 (for a fucking mattress!) and then suffering a huge case of buyer’s remorse afterward convinced that I’d been completely suckered by the smooth-talking Macy’s salesman who used that devastating clincher designed to pad his commission by instilling massive guilt — “Sir, you and your lovely wife are going to spend one-third of your life sleeping. Do you want to spend all that time resting in supreme comfort, or bouncing on some lumpy bed from Mattress Discounters?”
How are you supposed to react to that? ”You’re absolutely right. You wouldn’t happen to know where the closest Mattress Discounters is, would you?”
But this is not the real world. This was Bloomingdale’s. So, I prepared myself for sticker shock.
That said, nothing could quite compare me for the heart-stopping experience seeing a $36,000 price tag attached to a mattress!
Which leads me to ask once again…..who in the fuck would pay $36,000 for mattress? Me — I’d rather spend thirty-six grand on a new Lexus CT — and then sleep in the car.
At least that would make some sense.
* * *
I conducted some research.
I talked to a few of the richest people I know. I’m talking serious money. People whose names you would recognize. People who are worth $20 million and up. One of the people I e-mailed is probably worth $500,000,000. These are people to whom money is no object.
Of those I questioned, those who recalled the price they paid for their beds reported spending between $5,000 and $15,000. And they all bought king sizes!
So, if some of the richest people in Las Vegas don’t spend any more than fifteen grand or so, then who does?
My inquiry triggered further discussion. One of the people I spoke with didn’t think spending $36,000 for a bed was that big of a deal. He (correctly) cited there are far more wasteful purchases and endeavors. People spend $100,000 on luxury cars all the time. Or they stay in fancy hotel suites that cost $10,000 a night. Some people even buy Zynga stock. Talk about throwing your money down a shitter.
Indeed, there’s no such thing as financial sanity, or insanity.
* * *
No rant would be complete without a final moment of outrage.
Fed up with being priced out of the ballpark on mattresses and made to feel like a pauper, next the lovely Marieta pulled me over to the rugs section. We love our rugs. But they tend to show wear over time. Bloomingdale’s seemed like the perfect place to pick up a bargain, particularly a hand-made rug from either Iran or India. Who knows — why might even be able to afford something made of silk.
One rug immediately captured our attention. More like love at first sight. It hung on the wall. This was a giant rug — 14 x 10 in size. The colors were splendid. I was “sold” on the rug from the moment I saw it.
With my Bloomingdale’s credit card faithfully in hand, I approached the rug and flipped over the price tag.
What in the hell was I thinking when I did that? I wish someone had propped me up in a chair first, or fitted me with a set of leg braces. I nearly collapsed to the floor.
For a fucking rug!
That’s more than my house is worth!
What kind of magic carpet ride would be worthy of nearly a quarter of a million dollars?
The answer is obvious — the same fool who would buy a $36,190 mattress.
Hopefully, they don’t have cats.