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Posted by on Aug 31, 2014 in Blog, Personal, Sports Betting | 2 comments

Rules and Guidelines for Trying to Reach Me During the NFL Season

 

nolan-dalla-2014

 

Rules for Reaching Me During the NFL Season:

 

September 1st means one thing — the start of football season.

This past weekend was my final free Sunday, at least until early February.  That’s five months from now.

From this point forward Sunday will no longer exist.  Most of my Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Mondays will be tied up, too.  Plus my Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  So, if you need to reach me over the next five months via any modern communication device — be it by phone, text, e-mail, or social media — here are some explicit instructions for establishing contact:

(1)  DO NOT under any circumstances contact me ON ANY SUNDAY between now and the Super Bowl.  Period.  Exclamation point.  Your inquiry will be dumped into an instant dead zone and shall be discarded.  Anyone who knows me realizes that interrupting me while multiple NFL games are playing is akin to blasphemy.  If you call during halftime when all my second-half wagering takes place, expect to be F-bombed and ripped to shreds me to decline to answer.  Exceptions are made for those who cook and/or serve me beverages, actions which are to be conducted strictly during commercials.  Moreover, my primary meals are to be timed at precisely 4:30 pm PST — which is the half-hour gap between the afternoon late games and Sunday Night Football on NBC.  Sunday is not just a bad day to reach me.  It’s a total blackout.  If anyone plans to pass away on a Sunday between now and the Super Bowl, please make it a different day.  Thanks.

2.  DO NOT contact me on Mondays.  This goes for two reasons.  First, some Mondays I’ll be scrambling around town desperately trying to raise cash running errands.  Second, there’s the “get-even game” Monday Night Football, which will dominate my entire evening and totally consume my emotions because it’s the final bail-out opportunity before having to grease the man with C-notes I’m such a huge fan.  Since I sleep late on Mondays following a busy weekend, this day is shot completely almost before it begins.  So, don’t even bother.

3.  DO NOT contact me on Tuesdays.  By this time, NFL lines and totals have been released for the following week’s games.  That means I’m already seeking how to get un-buried take full advantage of the weak numbers.  Unlike amateur handicappers who wait until ten minutes before kickoff, I’m trying to steal what I can early from the betting forums, I’m hard at work during the middle of the week trying to gain an edge.

4. Wednesdays sometimes provide a rare opportunity to reach me, that is, assuming a miracle happened I won the previous weekend.  However, there’s a good chance I’ll be out somewhere blowing my winnings.  Try paging me at Lee’s Liquors in the Zinfandel section, or in the Pot-Limit Omaha game at the Aria.

5.  DO NOT contact me on Thursdays, either.  This year, the NFL is starting its new “Thursday Night Football” weekly slate of games.  Hence, this day of the week basically turns into Monday all over again, but hopefully without Jon Gruden cliche-ing all over himself in the broadcast booth.

6.  Friday might seem a good day to reach me.  But it’s not.  I always tell myself I won’t bet money on a bunch of idiotic 19-year-old kids who can’t read or write and have terrible tastes in music college students since it’s tough enough beating the pro game.  But along the way the previous week, I’ll see or hear something that compels me to wager $500 on Akron, Northern Arizona in the first half, and the UNDER in the Rutgers-Temple game.  Of course, this will also force me to scream at the TV watch the games, played the following day.

7.  DO NOT contact me on Saturday, since by this time I’m usually betting multiple second-halves of college football games I had absolutely no intention of getting involved in, but which suckered me in just looked too good to pass up.

8.  The most dangerous time of the week to contact me is about 2 am on late Saturday night.  That’s when the Hawaii game is being played, and I’ve surely got what’s remains of my dwindling bankroll a healthy-sized wager riding on the Rainbow Warriors in the fourth quarter, screaming for the “garbage score” that will keep me in action on the following day.  I hate love Hawaii football games.

9.  Now that it’s Sunday again, repeat steps 1 through 8.

10.  If I’ve taken a particularly brutal series of beats and got buried, all contact with me by any means is to be suspended by a power of +1 for every additional $2,500 lost.  What this means is — if I lost between $1-$2,499, I will need one extra day to recover during the following week.  If I lost between $2,500-$4,999, I will need two more days to recover.  If I lost between $5,000-$7,499, I will need three extra days to recover.  If I lost between $7,500-$9,999, I will need four days to recover.  If I lost $10,000 or more, don’t worry about reaching me since there’s a damn good chance I will be calling you checking on your cash situation.

To all my family and friends, I’ll talk to you again in February 2015.  Now, don’t anyone die or get married between now and then.

Most importantly, if I call — PICK UP THE PHONE!

TAG: How to talk football

2 Comments

  1. Jesus!

    Jesus and POTUS are easier to reach.

    YOU need PEOPLE.

    My people could then reach your people.

    Ask for a raise or people, my best advice… exclamation point. (!)

  2. This needs to be in Sports Illustrated. I’m not kidding.

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