Starbucks makes strong coffee. I love strong coffee. So, I love Starbucks.
Quod erat demonstrandum.
But Seattle, we have a problem.
Your pastries suck!
This morning — make that this afternoon, which is when I finally rolled out of bed — I ordered one slice of “cinnamon swirl coffee cake.” Big mistake! The cake was so mushy, I couldn’t eat it. It was like the cake was soaked in milk and then left to stand all day in its miserable sogginess. Disgusting!
I find this to be an outrage!
Furious at forking over $2.25 for a slice of soggy jizz cake, I immediately demanded to speak to the manager. A 22-year-old girl ignored the half of dozen people standing in line waiting while she talked to me and my problem. I’ll give her credit. She seemed genuinely interested in my culinary critique for about 30 seconds. But after a minute-plus of instructing her on how the cake should actually be made, she finally informed me that everything is made in a factory and shipped to the store location. With that, she returned to take the orders of by-then angry customers.
After some additional discussion, the “manager” offered to replace my soggy jizz cake. The deal seemed fair.
So the sappy jizz cake was substituted for a slice of blueberry cake instead. The yellow sponge cake appeared to be yummy. It was plentifully stocked with blueberries. She even waived the usual $2.25 cost.
Hoisting the fresh delicacy to my lips in anticipation, I was horrified to chomp into something that had the texture of a dish sponge.
What in the hell is going on with these cakes at Starbucks!
This blueberry cake was soggier than the coffee cake!
What the fuck!
Here. Take a look at this monstrosity:
By my math, that’s two shitty jizz cakes that entered my mouth out of two.
Too moist. Too soggy. To much jizz.
Cooking lesson: When you press on the cake, it should “bounce back.” A fresh cake will indent temporarily and then return back to its original shape. But the Starbucks’ jizz cakes do not return to form. The indentation stays on the cake after you press on it.
Through some logical and intellectual willpower, I came to draw some rather astute conclusions about the situation at Starbucks. I’d like to share these blessings with you now:
1. Starbucks is a giant evil corporation. All they care about is making a profit.
2. Starbucks will do anything it can to maximize its profits.
3. Starbucks wants the shelf life of its pastries to last as long as possible. So, they interfere with the natural order of baking and methodically jizz up the cake.
4. The jizz cakes last longer than the regular dry cakes. So, Starbucks makes more profit by sacrificing quality.
5. We should boycott the Starbucks’ jizz cake.
Quod erat demonstrandum.
